Datingmonkey

Hello

2008-02-14T10:32:00.000Z

If it's love you're after, you' ve come to the right place. This superb blog will tell you everything you need to know about internet dating, and may well help you find the lady or gentleman of your dreams. Scroll down the page to get started; if you want more, click on the "Archive of Excellence" down there on the right where you'll find even more spankingly useful information, including Cat And Dog Logic Applied To Internet Dating, Understanding Mens' Dating Profiles, and How To Write An Internet Dating Profile.

Do have fun. And if you've got any questions about superweb love, send 'em in.

Internet Dating Does Work

2008-02-14T03:28:00.008Z

It wasn't internet dating that led me to move from London (England) to Montreal (Canada) in order to be in the loving arms of a self-haircutting French-Canadian veterinary research pathologist; it was my other blog.

But that's another story, and for another day, perhaps when hell freezes over. The point here (if there is one), is that I realised today that eight good friends of mine are in really good 'relationships' (including happily married and/or with children!!!) with someone they met off of the internet (or who I met off of the internet and introduced them to).

In 1905, when I started internet dating, it was still horrifically embarassing, like admitting your ladyparts were malodourous however many fragranced washes you applied, or admitting that you wanted to make sweet love with Jim Davidson or lick raw pork.

Now, however, 87% of Canadian students have had sex online, and people are beginning to realise that it makes more sense to meet someone through internet dating than it does through the traditional means, e.g. in a bar, at the party of someone you think is a cock, or in the office (where, frankly, you would do anything to alleviate the ghastly tedium).

So, do I think internet works? Not that you asked, but I'll give you my opinion anyway: Fuck yeah. And if it doesn't work immediately, just keep going; as my friend Louis says (met through an internet date 6 years ago; now living with another good friend of mine), "you only have to get it right once".

Pip pip!

What Womens' Internet Dating Profile Photographs Actually Mean

2006-08-24T13:39:00.002+01:00

One for the gentlemen. Save time and effort by using this beautiful cut-out-and-keep guide to understanding what those ladies' profile photographs really mean. If you're a lady, a simple but perky click here will take you to the mens' version. Don't say I didn't warn you.

With Cat

38. Wants kids. Now.

Hippy Chick

Very pretty. Lovely figure. Beautiful skin. Does yoga 5 times a week. Talks about Chakras a lot, doesn't drink or smoke, very 'spiritual', has windchimes and a spirit guide. Flat full of stuff from year out in India. Works for a charity. Has annoying lispy voice and bats eyelids a lot.

With Friend At Glastonbury

Works in PR in London. Called Charlotte. Pretends she likes music. Thinks she is cool, but still has the pony Daddy gave her when she was 14.

Short Hair, Ruddy Complexion

Gay, but doesn't want to disappoint her mother. Or has ticked the wrong search box.

Self Portrait In Bedroom

Dangerous serial killer. Keeps past dates in the cellar. In a box.

Honest Self Portrait

Likes cake. Has strange things caught in folds.

Partially Clothed

May send you an invoice after date. Lives in council flat in Egham. Collects cuddly toys. Chainsmokes Superkings and drinks Malibu and Coke.

Engaged in Outdoor Pursuits

Doesn't shave. An 'enthusiast'. Churchgoer. Very clean.

Engaged in Urban Outdoor Pursuits

Wiry, like a whippet. Dry skin. Sweaty crotch. Has a difficult relationship with food. Thinks kissing is unhygienic. Slaps men on the back. Never wears skirts.

With Friends

You always scan the picture and hope she's the pretty one. She never is.

Supermodel in Domestic Setting

"I the simple lonely girl. I search good for the man for creation of strong family. I have no harmful habits. I like to prepare. Like to knit and embroider. I also love animals, I love a nature. I love good weather and good people. I like to dream slightly."

Trans: I am Russian, looking for husband.

Makeover shot

Insecure. And scary. And delusional.

Describes self as "bubbly and curvaceous"

Porky, but cheerful.

Describes self as weighing "a few extra pounds"

Really quite fat.

Picture of self somewhere hot, backpacking

From posh suburb taking year out before going to University. Big teeth. Enthusiastic. Doesn't wash much. Dull.

Perky self-portrait taken in parents' house

19, very annoying, probably called Nikki. Training to be a hairdresser. Thinks all firemen are 'fit' and harbours dreams of being a 'glamour model'.

Picture of self looking whacky with gay best friend

Deeply insecure, actually quite pretty. Nervous around straight men. Talks in funny voices the whole time. Drinks too much.

"Late 30s"

Not a day younger than 45. Husband left her for secretary (called Nikki - see above). Has 'needs'. Drinks too much.

With horse

Enjoys 'outdoor pursuits' and has strong thighs.

Internet Dating Translation Tool

2006-08-15T09:43:00.000+01:00

I know. Millions of profiles to plough through, and so little time to find the lady or gentleman of your dreams. But what does it all mean? When he says he likes dogs, does he mean he is blind? When she says weighs 'a few extra pounds', does she mean she weighs twenty stone and doesn't get out much?

Help is at hand. This handy guide will help you negotiate the hundreds of profiles that turn up when you press 'search'. First tip: when's the last time you believed someone who kept telling you they were honest? Exactly. With the online, you can't see the whites of their eyes. Still. Chin up!

"I love snowboarding, skydiving, scuba diving, bungee jumping and jumping off high things"
"I am an accountant. My name is Trevor. I live in Milton Keynes."

"I am looking for a woman who is as happy in a little black dress as she is in a pair of Wellington boots."
"My name is Henry, and I live in Gloucestershire. You will have to make room for Labby the Labrador in our marital bed. I love Nanny best."

"I enjoy going out and staying in."
"I will never have anything of any import to say about anything, ever."

"I am looking for a committed relationship."
"I am a commitmentphobe looking for a series of one-night stands with emotionally unstable women"

"I am just a normal guy looking for a normal woman. Looks not important."
"I am clinically insane, and rarely wash."

"Hi i am New to London, looking friends and Good Times!!!"
"I am from Russia, and looking for residency."

"My weight could be most accurately described as: a few extra pounds"
"I weigh at least 250lbs and have to do internet dating because I can't walk anymore. I have strange things caught in folds."

"Blonde"
Really?

"I am a 42 year old woman"
"I am 50, and my husband has just left me for his 37 year old secretary, Patricia. I think they've been at it for years but I can't be sure. But I've pulled myself together, and I'm up and at 'em: no-one's going to stop me being happy."

"I am average looking."
"I fell hard from the ugly tree, hitting every branch on the way down."

"I am attractive"
"I am plain. You wouldn't remember my face if you were introduced to me twice, but I'm not actually ugly."

"I am very attractive"
"I look after myself and in a certain light, am not unattractive."

"I am very good looking."
"'I am a delusional, narcissistic fool."

"I like independent women."
"I refuse to commit, and I will be particularly reluctant to commit if you earn more than me and are funnier/more intelligent than me."

"I live life to the full."
"I do not know what I am saying."

"I am looking for someone to make me better."
"I am me, and I will not change, so don't even try it; just accept me for who I am."

"I often enjoy a round of golf"
"I am a twat."

"I've been concentrating on my career and have just noticed that all my friends are married with kids."
Two options here:
1. "Fuck me, better pay attention and get on with it"; or
2. "I have had to fill my life with work because no-one wants to go out with me."

"I like cuddling up on the sofa with a DVD and a bottle of red wine."
"I am so dull I can't think of anything else to do with the time I have left over from tending my terrapins."

As it goes everyone really likes doing this, but you shouldn't say it out loud. And for the record, you need at least 2 bottles.

"I can't believe I'm doing this!"
"I am a bit embarrassed that I am this desperate." Come on, love, we all are: it's fine.

"I can't believe I've had to resort to this."
"I am angry that someone has gorgeous as I am is like everyone else, really."

"Looks aren't that important to me."
"I care very much how someone looks, but don't think I'm good looking enough to be able to say that."

"I asked my friends how they'd describe me, and they said kind, funny, and generous to a fault."
"I have 3 friends: 2 men called Andy, and a woman called Helen I went out with once. We were all at university together."

Like people who are murdered (who are always described in the most glowing terms - do only the good die young, or was Joel pulling our legs?), friends ONLY ever say 'kind, generous, loving, funny'. And perhaps 'crazy'. Or 'kooky' if they're a girl. If I asked my friends what they thought of me they'd laugh until they couldn't speak.

"My friends can't believe I'm single."
"My friends ply me with consolatory words when I am being drunkenly maudlin."

More like they wish you weren't single, then they wouldn't have to hear you going ON AND ON about it the whole time and looking at them resentfully at couples-only dinner parties.

As it happens my friends can believe I'm single, but not in a bad way.

"I have just come out of a relationship."
"I need someone to make me feel better, for I am very, very lonely and confused."

Avoid. At all costs. Whatever you do. Really. They are not over it, whatever they say. If someone mentions an ex, or the fact that they've just come out of a relationship, it means they are still thinking of the other person, and therefore will not have any room in their head for you. I have said this elsewhere, I know.

"I'm a crazy, kooky girl just looking for love, smiles and cuddles!!!!!!!! :-)"
"I am mentally deficient and like glitter."

Does Internet Dating Work?

2006-08-03T19:55:00.001+01:00

It depends on what you want, of course. From a new hobby, to selecting from a range of foreign ladies in search of a Green Card, internet dating will provide all you require. The only conditions? Patience. Oh, and honesty. It generally gets you what's good for you, rather than what you think you want.

I would like to be entertained.

Absolutely guaranteed, my cheeky friends. End of story. Reading profiles, sending emails, meeting strangers for dates; telling all your mates about the bloke with the spit: all immensely entertaining. Particularly now that internet dating is so mainstream that only people who live in boxes and eat insects think it's weird.

I would like to enter into a long distance relationship with someone in Alaska, converse via webcam every night for 8 months, then get married. Then I would like to instal them in my house in a suburb of Glasgow and feed them packet noodles. And we will be happy.

Easier than meeting a single man in London who is over the age of 37 and isn't a cock, to be frank - so yes, the superweb will you this thing if that's what you want.

I would like to find someone with whom to conduct an extra-marital affair.

I think there are sites dedicated to this very thing. However, you should be ashamed of yourself, you bad dog. And when your spouse finds out, may they burn the hair from your head with a cheap lighter.

Has it worked for you?

Yes. And no. I'll do it again when I'm not such a porker though, THAT'S for sure.

Could you give me at least 10 other examples of other people who have met online and are now happily shacked up?

Yes, now piss off. This isn't a competition.

I want casual sex with strangers

Do you? Why's that then? Luckily for you, internet dating is jolly good for this. It is remarkably easy to find a number of people willing to sleep with you with virtually no introduction. And these people can be found on all types of sites: the 'normal' ones and 'specialist' ones.

People on 'specialist' sites tend to be honest about it, whereas 'normal' sites conceal people up for a bit of opportunistic relationship-free shagging. Some people are honest about it in their profile; some aren't.

I want to meet new people and make friends

Again, no problem here. Easy peasy. Just be honest about what you're after (i.e., don't lead people into thinking you're up for a relationship when you're not) and go and meet people. You may like some of them. You may not like others. Either way, there's lots of people out there, most of them probably perfectly nice. And a lot of them are probably like you, even if you only like weasels and cake.

I want to get married

Calm down, for God's sake. You have to go through the 'meeting someone and starting a relationship and sustaining it over a long period of time' bit first. Call me old fashioned. However, if you really just want to get married to any old person, you can probably buy a Thai bride or a Russian husband, both keen to get passports. Your life will be a cavalcade of horror, but that's up to you.

I would like a relationship. Any old one will do. Don't really want commitment.

If you don't want commitment at some point, why do you want a 'relationship'? Sounds like you want someone to sleep with regularly and go to the cinema with when you haven't got anything else to do.

Not particularly fair on the other person, but if you are absolutely honest in your profile, you may find someone else who'll put up with it. But you + the person who'll put up with that = probably both a bit unhappy, so I'd try and see if you can understand that most people want a good relationship because, on the whole, a good relationship makes life a bit more enjoyable. (And there's a reason why people have been getting shacked up and trying to be monogamous since the dawn of humanity, but that's another story.)

I would really like to meet someone and have a relationship that both of us enjoy, see what happens, but approach it with a desire for it to succeed.

Oh, why is it that the 'nicest' things sound vomit-inducingly cheesy? Shame really. Anyway, well, yes, internet dating does work for this. But (oh, but, but, but): as Feargal Sharkey once said, "A good love these days is hard to find."

You probably will find it, but it will take time, a lot of dates, a lot of honesty, a lot of patience and a bit of resilience. And that's without taking into account your own habitual approach to relationships. You may find someone you want to have a relationship with through the internet, but the internet won't guarantee its success. Obviously.

I want a new job.

Um, no, probably not good for that.

I really need a recipe for cake.

No, not good for that either.

I am looking for a timeshare apartment in Malaga

No.

Monkey?

Very possibly.

Your Internet Dating Questions Answered with Datingmonkey

2006-08-02T20:17:00.000+01:00

Lawks. There's something in the air. I could barely open the heavily-leaded front door of Datingmonkey Towers this morning because of the enormous amount of correspondence I've received in the last two days from enthusiastic readers. Here's a sample.

Should I take my mother on a date?

Hola Datingmonkey!

How you hangin'? Listen. Here's me and my Mom on holiday in Mexico City. She's my best friend. I love her more than anyone in the world. But a guy's gotta move on, and it's time for me to meet a wife. But how can any woman live up to my beautiful Mommy? Should I take her on my dates and get her to choose? (I'm already making a lot of progress by searching for women who meet pretty much all my Mom's physical attributes, although no WAY could they ever be more beautiful.)

What do you think?

Stan, Ohio

P.S. Dad died when I was five and a half. Mom hasn't got a boyfriend because I said she couldn't.

Dear Stan

2 questions: are your feet swollen? And is your mother's name Jocasta? Yes? You're asking me why? No matter.

Now, before going any further, please read this. If you haven't got the hint, go to the obviously splendid Ohio Psychotherapy Directory, phone up the person with the name that you like the best, and say the following (no moving away from the script, if you please): "Hello my name is Stan. I have an unconscious desire for the exclusive love of my mother, and have murderous thoughts about any man that tries to assume the role of father-figure. Help me."

These simple steps should help. In the meantime, please remove your profile from all internet dating sites immediately.

All the best

DM

There's something wrong with my internet girl

Dear Datingmonkey

I have met a super girl and we've been on about 10 dates. I really feel there's something developing between us that could have long lasting potential. But there's something about her that I can't put my finger on. I'm not sure if it's something about the way she looks, or if it's something else - but it's really standing in the way of me entering into a longer-term commitment. Could you have a quick look at this picture? Can YOU see anything untoward? It's really annoying me now.

Thanks so much.

Reg, Lyme Regis

Dear Reg

Not sure about the earrings, and the hair's a little harsh. Otherwise, fine.

All the best

DM

Cliff Richard's Getting In The Way Of Love

Dear DM

Thanks for all your hard work on behalf of the internet dating community. We all appreciate you more every day.

Here's my problem. I've been emailing a girl I met on Match.com. She seems great. Tomorrow night we're moving on to 'webcam action', but she's asked if I can wear a mask bearing the face of Cliff Richard when we talk. Do you think that's weird?

Thanks DM. And keep up the good work.

Ken, Melbourne

Dear Ken

Yes, if you don't like the work of Sir Cliff. If you do - get her to slip on a Lulu c. 1968. Could be fun.

Best

DM

How To Get A Date With Someone You Meet Online

2006-08-02T19:42:00.000+01:00

Think it's going to be easy, do you? Think you just slip into your 'sweat pants'*, crack open a bottle of sweet white wine, flip open your 2001 Dell laptop and find a boyfriend?

If only things were that simple. Luckily, I am here to help.

General Pointers

Avoid annoying punctuation
Multiple exclamation marks and smiley after smiley are really fucking annoying. Don't use them if you want to be asked out on a blind date, unless your correspondent is also a fan, in which case you deserve each other.

You can't hide desperation
The stink of desperation is hard to dispel. If you are desperate, stop online dating immediately and contact your local psychotherapist. No, finding a nice lady or man is not going to make you feel better in a profound or lasting way.

You can't fancy someone you haven't met
You can like the look of them and think they sound good, but you can't fancy someone you haven't met. Fact.

Don't go on holiday to Fantasy Island
You're only meeting someone for a date. Do NOT start idly flicking through Brides magazine before you've seen if they can use a knife and fork or not.

What do I do when I see someone I like the look of online?

Don't panic, don't get overexcited, and don't expect too much. Remember: you haven't met yet, and you are not at the 6th form disco, seeing people of the opposite sex for the first time. Read the object of interest's profile carefully. Write an email that is fairly lighthearted, but indicates that you have read their profile and are interested. (NB: writing an email indicates that you are interested. You don't have to say it too.)

What do I do if they don't reply?

Leave it. Don't write again. Options are:

a) they're not interested
b) their computer has broken
c) they are away
d) they are thinking about what to say if they reply.

If someone's interested, they'll reply. It's as simple as that.

What do I do if they write back and they sound like an idiot?

Give it a few goes. Exchange a few emails. If you still don't like the sound of them, write and say it's been lovely talking to them, but you're not sure you've got that much in common. Or something.

What do I do if they write back and they sound nice?

Durr. Write back. But don't get overexcited.

Should we talk on the phone first?

Er, yes. For all you know he may have a tongue that's too big for his mouth, or sound like George Osbourne (who was at school with my brother and was a twat even then, apparently). If they sound OK on email, and you have an OK conversation on the phone, chances are you'll have a good date (even if it doesn't lead anywhere). I once met someone without talking to him first and he sounded just like a stupid golden labrador would sound if it could talk. Awful.

Is there anything I shouldn't mention before we've met?

Don't whinge, bitch or talk about your ex. (In fact, don't do that generally. It's undignified, boring, and makes you sound like a twat.) Don't mention therapy, your terrible childhood, or your gimp mask (unless you're on certain types of site).

Is there anything I should mention before we meet?

Yes.

a) children
b) ex-wives/husbands
c) prison record
d) number of James Blunt albums owned
e) heroin addiction
f) alcoholism
g) sex addiction
h) bankruptcy.

What do I do if they ask to see pictures of me naked?

That, my friend, is your business, and will in some way be dictated by what kind of site you are on. (If you know what I mean. Hem hem.) Otherwise, I'd tell them to piss off out of it and get their adolescent pervo-kicks elsewhere. Or send you some money via PayPal first.

Should I ask him out?

Internet dating is one of the few places where everyone seems to forget that the ladies can't make the first move. The point of doing it is to meet and possibly have a relationship. Therefore, suggesting that you meet for a drink is fine, if that's what you want to do.

Should I ask her out?

Yeah.

How long should I wait until I suggest we meet?

Don't piss about. If you live within 50 miles of each other and are getting on on email, there's no reason not to do it within a couple of weeks. Remember: you haven't met yet, and it might not work out. And if it doesn't, there are more people to meet.

There's also a little thing about long, long email exchanges turning into a virtual relationship. It is all too easy to start having fanciful notions about someone you haven't met yet - notions that are rarely met when you meet. So don't do it.

Is it OK to meet more than one person in a week?

Fuck, yeah. You're talking online, not going out with each other. (Yet.)

Is it OK to meet more than one person in a day?

If you've got the time, why not?

Is it OK to meet more than two people in a day?

Are you unemployed and gagging for it?

Where should I suggest we meet?

Somewhere informal, where you're not stranded with each other if one of you wants to make a quick escape. Good idea: pub for a drink; gallery (cheesy but true, plus you get to check them out). Bad ideas: dinner; theatre; cinema; London Eye shut in a pod going round and round and round and round; a mountain; your mum's house.

Now what do I do?

Put on some clothes that suit you and that you feel comfortable in. Wash. (Do that bit before you put the clothes on.) If you wear makeup, don't slap it on. Don't get pissed before you meet. Tell one other person where you're going and with whom. Then just go and meet them, and be yourself.

And remember, Wise Datingmonkey Say: It's Only Real Once You've Met.

Bonne chance, my dating friends.

* what, exactly, are 'sweat pants'?

You Can't Do Internet Dating All The Time

2006-07-18T14:58:00.000+01:00

The people who become 'addicted' to internet dating are the ones that don't realise you can just walk away from it for months at a time (or years, in my case). It's always there. You're not going to miss someone speshul because you decided you just can't be arsed with it for a bit. It's there for you to use when it suits you. Do it when you're in the mood. When you're feeling perky about yourself and nothing much is worrying you. Or you're very bored. Any of those. They're all good. It's just another way of meeting people.

Internet Dating Is A Seasonal Pursuit

2006-07-18T14:48:00.000+01:00

Early Spring (rain), Autumn (wind, rain, leaves, etc) and Winter (rain, snow, hail, freezing Arctic winds, freak Mistrals due to global warming), are the times for internet dating. It's dark, everyone's pissed off, and everyone's wearing slightly too tight jerseys and thick socks. That's when to do it, when you can meet in dark pubs or in galleries on rainy afternoons. Not turn up sweating slightly because you're running late and have had to run from the bus stop.

Summer only lasts 3 weeks anyway, so it's no great loss. So, put down your laptops, put on your most flattering t-shirt and 'shades' (whatever they are), and get outside. Buy someone an ice cream. Offer that pretty girl on the train your spare bottle of water. No-one cares. They're all half-dead from heat exhaustion anyway.

My New Internet Dating Profile

2006-07-17T10:19:00.000+01:00

I've had a pop, and I'm liking it. If it gets your dogs barking and you fit the description, get in touch. Please supply photo. I look like my Blogger profile photograph (up on the far right: are you blind? And if so, how can you read this?), so if you like hairy hands in a lady, you're laughing.

"Unemployed, porky (but quite good-looking), bird seeks man who won't fall over if I run at him. I will cook, do some washing, pay for other people to do basic DIY that I have neither the time nor the inclination to do, speak French on French holidays (or in French-speaking countries), type fast and be in a good and reasonable mood 90% of the time. I am a clean homeowner with more than ten friends, a cat I despise who lives on a cardboard box, and a cheerful family. I enjoy watching home improvement television programmes during the day, going to the gymnasium, eating North Staffordshire Oatcakes, and reading books.

Things I like in a gentleman include kind eyes, large hands, thick jerseys in winter and the ability to grow a beard. Thick socks and hair preferable, but I have no objection to a baldy if he's got a way with words. Employment status and bank balance relatively unimportant, but should be able to pay for own bus fare. At least three out of four limbs and pulse preferred. Ability to use apostrophes correctly vital. Must not use any of the following expressions, ever:

- "take a pew"
- "me and my better half"
- "pardon me"
- "moist, thick slices"
- "shall I pop James Blunt on the soundsystem?"
- "Pappy wants a special cuddle"
- "I've always liked fat lasses. More to grab hold of"
- "If I'm honest, I've always wanted to live in the Surrey area. Better class of person"
- "I've made raita for dinner."

Must not be weird, but odd is acceptable. Proof of at least 2 years of Freudian psychotherapy preferred, or written statement confirming sanity from local Justice of the Peace. Must dislike but be able to tolerate mentally deficient, overweight cats that live on cardboard boxes, and be good at kissing. Must not take himself seriously. Should bear in mind that I am 37 in October, so more in the mood for visits to Homebase than smoking crack. I am fond of children, but do not press my face against the window of Mothercare keening into the empty evening.

London area preferable, although will relocate if it goes well for a year or so and we can't think of anything else to do."

I Thought You Had To Be Clever To Read The Guardian

2006-07-12T13:11:00.000+01:00

But no, for they feel it necessary to email their members (including past members, e.g. me) with some truly excellent advice, including:

Enhance your profile with a great photograph and we're sure you'll see your success rate increase. A few tips for looking good:

* Choose a clear well-focused photo that has you as the main subject.

Funny, that. I always thought you should post a picture of your cat wearing a fez and smoking a pipe. But thanks to The Guardian, I'll get it right next time.

How Long Should I Wait Before We Meet?

2006-07-10T11:07:00.001+01:00

Dear Datingmonkey,

How long should you wait before you actually meet someone you meet online? I've just started and I've been emailing with someone for about a week and he seems like a very nice guy. But I'm afraid if we wait too long to meet and he or I are disappointed, it will be a lot more of a letdown. Plus, Ithink I've already told him too much and it will be awkward meeting him at all.

So what's a good amount of time to wait?

Sincerely,

Ellen

Dearest Ellen

Thank you for your excellent question.

Before you wonder about when you will meet, SPEAK TO HIM ON THE PHONE. Someone who sounds great on email may have a voice like Pee Wee, or a tongue that's too big for his mouth. Neither of these lead to good dates, in my experience. (If he doesn't want to speak on the phone he's either married or insane, so avoid him.)

Anyway, assuming you speak on the phone and you like the sound of him, arrange to meet. (The cunning thing about speaking on the phone is that it usually comes up in conversation, so you don't have to worry about it.)

When? Well, I've met people on the same day and after 3 months of emailing. I suggest within 2 weeks, if you can. That way, as you say, you avoid 'disappointment' (which is in fact just being pissed off that you've spent that amount of time emailing a total idiot with a tongue that's too big for his mouth), and you get it over and done with. Because the longer you leave it, the bigger a deal it becomes.

And finally: it's only a date. In the grand scheme of things, if it goes wrong it doesn't matter. And if it goes wrong? Just get online and find someone nicer to go on a date with. And if it goes right, it means you haven't wasted weeks emailing someone you'd rather be with in person. Result all round, I say.

Oh, and don't worry about having told him too much. What's said in email suddenly seems totally unimportant once you meet. I'm not sure why; it just does.

Good luck!

DM x

How To Make Money From Internet Dating

2006-07-08T12:45:00.000+01:00

Genius. If you're strapped for cash and find yourself without true romance after a spell of high-intensity internet dating, just sue the internet dating site. How I wish I'd thought of this myself. I'd be fucking rolling in it.

The monkey hotline tells me of a woman who is suing a site for 'mis-matching' her after she had to 'endure' 8 terrible dates with men that she felt weren't suitable. Very clever. This way, not only does she make a complete arse of herself by bothering to make such a fuss, but she also - somehow - takes no responsibility for the fact that the dates didn't go well. Strange, really, as she's obviously a fuckwit (which would have had no bearing on how the date went, of course).

If that route doesn't suit you, you can follow the example of some people in the Americas who are suing Match.com and Yahoo! Personals for posting fake profiles (to suggest there are more foxes online than there actually are), and intercepting emails. A brief consideration of online dating sites' business models would suggest:

1. They have millions of members
2. Posting fake profiles takes time
3. They probably couldn't be arsed to post fake profiles, as it takes time, and they've got millions of members anyway.

Still, makes for a good reason why you're not shacked up, however unlikely it seems.

Then - and how I laughed - there's another. When you join a dating site, you fill in your search criteria. With the best will in the world, even I - with my limited ability to use a keyboard due to the monkey paws/12" Powerbook keyboard size ratio - can fill in an internet dating site 'search criteria' form without too many mishaps.

Anyroad up, some bird in America is apparently suing a site for not setting her up with a nice Jewish boy. Their argument is that she didn't accurately fill in her search criteria. For a month. Poor love. Still, she reckons they owe her $4,000.

And finally, the married man suing a site for not letting him join because - well, he's married, and theirs is a singles-only site. 'But how can I start my life again?', he bleats from across the ocean. By finishing the relationship you're in before you start another one, would be my tip.

I'm getting on the phone to my solicitor RIGHT NOW. Some 6ft 9 fat bloke I was on a date with once said 'bite my balls, and hard' over a drink of wine and a bowl of peanuts in a fashionable West End drinking venue, and I think I'm still from suffering post-traumatic stress syndrome. And that, obviously, is Match.com's fault.

Inter-species Love: A Reader Complains

2006-07-06T15:30:00.000+01:00

Dear Fallacious Blogger,

I am writing to say how disappointed I am in your highly misleading web page. I have dropped in on three occasions now and have yet to find any material relating to simian-human relationships. As a regular animal lover, I was expecting a service similar to the excellent findafox.net or chihuahuachat.com, facilitating relaxed interaction (and maybe something more) between open-minded people and other species.

Imagine my confusion, then, at finding only the turgid repetitive rehearsal of the man-woman, woman-man, same-species tedium that the more enlightened of us have left behind.

This type of deception seems to be the stock in trade of so-called dating sites: I was similarly let down last year when I approached the Singles Network in search of a tennis partner.

Sincerely,

K.E. Babhouse
Purley

Dear Babhouse

What do you want me to do about it? I'll happily 'open the floor' to supporters of inter-species love, but it's a specialist market. Know what I'm saying?

So saying, I'm a monkey, you're a man, and I'm in the Purley area on Friday. Fancy a go?

Yours

DM

P.S. I don't do fellacious though - hope that's OK.

Summer Special: Internet Dating Profile Picture Clinic: Part 2

2006-06-30T23:17:00.000+01:00

Such has been the popularity of my internet dating profile picture clinic (in which I offer my loyal readers objective advice on their photographs), I've hardly had time to comb the lice from my monkey head. Here's a selection of today's submissions, but keep them coming in, friends: it's what I'm here for. Email them to me. Come on, don't be shy - we're all friends here.

Hello to Dating monkey
Hi from Japan!!!! on some days my legs don't work. We made special computer table at school. Show it, yes? No?
Love from
Kitten

Dear Kitten

Miaow! When you say 'legs don't work', what do you mean exactly? Do send a reply soonest and I'll get onto this immediately.

Nice bunches.

Love from

DM xx

Dear Datingmonkey
After many years of wearing contact lenses I've finally 'bowed to the inevitable' and am now wearing full-time spectacles. (A choice that became inevitable after 5 consecutive bouts of viral conjunctivitis.) What do you think? Keep them on for the photograph, or take them off? Plus, as you can see I have had a loose perm. Do you think it's succesful?
Thanks in advance.
Janet, Bury St Edmunds

Dearest Janet
Darling, you've got SUCH a sweet smile that I don't think either your specs or hair are going to make much difference.
Good luck!
DM

Yo, DM!
I'm thinking: summer. I'm thinking: relaxed. I'm thinking: stylish, cool, popular, and familiar with the ladies' favourite, the cocktail. Thoughts?
Keep it real.
Jeff, Ealing

Dear Jeff
I'm thinking: cock. So I am also thinking: it must be working!
Keep it - as you say - real.
All the best
Datingmonkey

Dear Datingmonkey
Having recently achieved a 2:2 in Industrial Communications from the University of Dorset, I thought this picture (posed in a studio and taken by a professional photographer, naturally) would appeal to the more intellectual lady. Let me know if you agree, and don't be afraid to be honest - I'm feeling confident about this one.
Yours
Chris, Plymouth

Dear Chris
Honestly? You look like you're looking up an 18 year old Marketing Studies student's skirt. You therefore look very slightly like a dirty old man, but only very slightly.
Very best wishes
DM

Dear Datingmonkey
I have recently had some facial remodelling work done. I know my teeth are a bit prominent but do you think it's OK to use this photograph or do you think it might put people off?
Thanks very much.
Lucy, London

Dear Lucy
Wassup, sista. The best kinds of gentlemen like a lady with a bit of 'bite', as they say, so I say: keep the teeth IN.
With love
DM x

Phantom Internet Pregnancy

2006-06-30T11:08:00.000+01:00

I met someone for a date once. He was weird. I deleted his phone number from my mobile. When he rang the other day, I didn't recognise the number. And I picked up.

J: Congratulations.
Me: What on?
J: You're pregnant, aren't you?
Me: No.
J: Yes you are.
Me: No I'm not.
J: But you sent me an email saying you were.
Me: No, I didn't, because I'm not.
J: I don't believe you.
Me: I'm not pregnant.
J: Well, I sent you an email saying hi and you replied saying you were pregnant.
Me: No, I didn't. The last time I spoke to you or emailed you was over 8 months ago.
J: Yes! It was then!
Me: What was?
J: When you told me you were pregnant. And I emailed back and you didn't reply and I thought you were angry with me.
Me: Why would I be angry with you?
J: For thinking you were pregnant.
Me: What?
J: Do you think someone's pulling a fast one on us?
Me: Sorry?
J: Do you think someone's taking the piss?
Me: Like who? We don't know anyone in common.
J: I thought you would have had it by now.
Me: Had WHAT?
J: The baby.
Me: The imaginary non-existent baby?
J: Yes, that one. I mean I reckon that if I emailed you over 8 months ago, you will have had it by now.
Me: Yes.
J: I was in your paper last week. Did you see it?
Me: No.
J: It was great.
Me: Oh.
J: Yes.
Me: I'm very busy. I can't talk at the moment. I have to go.

Guest Spot: What Happens When You Take A Friend On A Date

2006-06-29T15:26:00.000+01:00

Tired Dad wrote this. It was a comment on my last piss-poor post. I like it.

* * * * *

It wasn’t via the internet. And it wasn’t *me* bringing a friend.

I am 20. I am student and barman.

Unfeasibly beautiful woman returns at end of term from her far-away University and always acquires casual work at the same bar as I. We get on. I pretend not to like her.

This amuses her.

We get on even more.

She jokes about us going out together.

Beauty is one thing. But self-awareness, wit and intellect are another. They rarely go together. Except in her case.

She is massively out of my league.

Fuck it. I ask her.

I see the moment of blind panic in her eyes. I shut it out. She still says yes. She is that wonderful.

I know I KNOW that so far as she is concerned, me grabbing her by the hair and bending her over her mother’s kitchen table is a far-off possibility.

But we get on. We are friends. I make her laugh.

Maybe.

I choose a suitably out-of-the-way venue. The city has more pubs and restaurants per square mile than anywhere aside from London. I am well known. I do not want to be troubled by regulars, barmen, waiters, chefs or proprietors, all of which know me.

SHE BRINGS A FRIEND.

Not only for security. I have seen said friend giving me the eye. One I have not returned.

*You have no chance* is the gist of this gesture. *But here are some scraps from the table.*

I buy them both a drink. Of a non-alcoholic nature. ( They were BOTH driving?!)

I think the evening could not be going worse.

In walks SadSack.

SadSack is a regular at my bar. Bit pudgy. Late thirties. Who regales me with tales of the Jag he is reconditioning. Of how he finds it quite hard living with his mother. Of the work that he does for the Ministry of Dfence that he cannot tell me about. But most of all HOW HE DOESN’T HAVE MUCH LUCK WITH THE LADIES.

Obscenely Beuatiful Woman is delighted to see him and invites him over.

Me and SadDack very quickly get very drunk. I know this will be the happiest ending the night has to offer.

Ridiculously You Wouldn’t Believe It Unless You’d Seen Her Beautiful Woman and Now No Longer In The Slightest Bit Interested Friend leave quickly.

SadSack shakes his head in a sorrowful manner. He reaches for my hand. Instinctively I take it.

We shake. As we do so, he says,

‘What do we poor sods think we’re playing at? I mean, as if?!’

I have just shaken on a Faustian pact. But not with the devil. But with the Prince of a Bit Shit.

I then spend a year shagging anyone slightly below my league and generally being a bit caddish in order to shake-off SadSack’s perceived kinship.

I was 20. Leave me alone.

All is ace now. Today-and-forever’s Stupidly Beautiful Woman is still massively out of my league, but our two children level it out.

Summer Special: Internet Dating Profile Picture Clinic

2006-06-25T17:08:00.000+01:00

When summer comes, thoughts turn to love. And what better way of finding it than a spot of light internet dating?

But it's not that easy to get it right when it comes to photographs. So, for this week only, I will be offering a free and objective point of view on your profile pictures. Do send them in.

Dear Datingmonkey

I'm looking for a classy guy. I think of myself as a classy lady, so I think this gives off the right signals. What do you think?

Thanks.

Jackie, Dunfermeline

Dear Jackie

No, sorry. Common. Like you charge for sex. And spend your earnings on Lambert & Butler and Bacardi Breezers. And what's with the eyeliner? Very '83.

Best wishes

DM

Dear DM

I think mystery is the thing that keeps relationships alive, so I thought I'd put up this 'mysterious' photograph, with the title 'Mysterious Lady'. I think it's a winning formula. What do you think?

Thanks ever so much.

Beverley, Swansea

Dear Bev

Did your neglectful mother get drunk one night in 1973, leaving you in the vicinity of an easily-accessible pan of boiling chip fat?

Best

DM

Dear Datingmonkey,

I'm thrilled to pieces with this super photograph - informal but smart, I thought, with the splash of colour from Mummy's tea cup. What do you think?

Yours ever,

Giles

Dear Giles

Thank you for your enquiry.

I suggest a more informal shot - an insouciant pose against a tree, with, perhaps, a pipe in hand? More importantly, however, your winsome smile suggests you are not 'au fait' with the workings of the ladyparts. If this is the case, can I suggest a tweed cap as an addition to your ensemble?

All the best, and do let me know how it goes,

DM

Dear Dating Monkey

I think this one gives off 'sassy and sexy'. What do you think?

Thanks.

Jo, Bexhill

Dear Jo

Very good effort!

All the best

DM

Strange Men I Have Met From Doing Internet Dating

2006-06-20T00:07:00.000+01:00

My judgment went on holiday for a few years. I think it had a good time, but it knew it had to come back eventually. Now it chooses wisely and well, and I, as a result, am happier. Don't get myself in as many harum-scarum scrapes, mind you, but this monkey is 36 now and too old for that nonsense.

Still, put 'em all together, and these stories will help you understand that you shouldn't spend time with:

1. The insane
2. Alcoholics
3. Daily Mail journalists
4. Immensely tall Canadians
5. Men who drive purple Lotuses.

The Strange Men I Have Met From Doing Internet Dating:

1 x therapist. Bonkers. Lived in a bedsit in Stoke Newington with two tiny cats and held my hand a lot. We had a strange evening stranded in a cheap hotel in Brighton on nylon sheets. Nothing happened, mind you. Must have been the sweat. He would sit cross-legged at my parties and my friends thought he was nice. He wasn't really, but he did remind me how good 'National Express' by the Divine Comedy is.

1 x complete and utter fucking lunatic met through someone I met on an internet date, setting off a chain of events including trying to launch a branded disposable golf tee in Cardiff, a fight in a bar in France, an ex-girlfriend who lurked like a ghost, another fight or two (including one in a car park in Swansea), an incident in a house in Devon involving a roast chicken, a visit to Safeway, a bottle of Chateau Talbot, a walk on which I was 'accidentally lost', a dog, a blowjob in a conservatory and my ex-best friend, a sheepskin rug, a comedy house sign, endless trips to Wales and back, a pie in Bad Bend Cottage, ghost-like ex girlfriend turning up in to my birthday party in a hippy skirt, 5 Welshmen in my flat in London, embarrassingly soulful singing, truly appalling poetry (awarded only by the internet), and occasional hand holding.

He has now, I think, lost touch with all his friends and lives in the hills in Wales with a plasterer (male) and keeps in occasional touch with his 4 children by different women.

1 x novelist. Bizarre evening in a pub in Pimlico. Handsome but unhinged. I read his novel afterwards. It was awful.

1 x enormously tall Canadian.Started telling me his secrets, bought me cocktails, offered nights at the Savoy drinking more cocktails then disappeared without a trace. (NB: he thought I might comment upon him in my blog. I said I wouldn't. Then he didn't bother to get in touch. Go figure, as I am sure he would have said.)

1 x bi-polar posh boy who played me Allanis Morissette, read me his poetry, and sent me photographs of other women's breasts

1 x man who brought his car steering wheel on our date and then got stuck in his Lotus trying to leave.

1 x journalist for the Daily Mail with a strange mouth who ate underseasoned Persian food and dribbled.

1 x owner of stationery website who sat silently through dinner then left.

1 x alcoholic who took it upon himself to join me on holiday with my friends, encouraged my alcoholic ex-best-friend (AEBF) to drink, shagged her in the orchard, earned the nickname 'Colossus', and asked me to 'turn the radio down -some of us are trying to get some sleep' - in my own house. AEBF and he then tried to leave without saying goodbye, were discovered at the last minute, and ended up trying to drink themselves to death for weeks in AEBF's father's villa in Provence. Universally reviled by all, he sent me an unsigned cheque for some money he owed me with a thank you letter, and is now living with AEBF in her flat in Hammersmith.

Oh, and 3,241 men who I can't remember.

Oui, c'est moi, Datingmonkey

2006-06-10T04:37:00.001+01:00

I've gone to France*. But they have the internet there too so my posts, whilst of course maintaining their current high standard, will have a little added 'je ne sais quoi' over the next few days.

Coming soon: Guide to Ladies' Profile Photographs. With examples.

A bientot, mes amis!

DMx

* With a bloke I met off the internet.

The Secret Iconography of Profile Photographs

2006-06-04T21:37:00.000+01:00

Alarmed by the amount of profiles that come up when you press 'Search'? Wondering how you're ever going to be able to read them all? Concerned that you'll miss 'the one' because your eyes don't work anymore?

The time of confusion is over, my friends. Have this handy guide by your side as you search the online for love, and discover how easy it is to sort the love wheat from the dating trash simply by looking at a tiny photograph on a profile.

WEARING SUNGLASSES

No eyes. Just empty sockets. Leading to a brain full of feathers.

TINY SPECK IN THE SKY IN PUFFY SUIT

Skydiver or Dangerous Sport Fan. May die soon.

RELAXING IN AN ENVIRONMENT THAT SUGGESTS A POOR EYE FOR INTERIOR DESIGN

No taste. I wouldn't be keen, myself, but then there's - well, no accounting for taste.

WITH DOG

Both caring. And sharing. Or blind - but check for white stick.

WITH CAT(S)

Weird.

WITH BABY

Knows what makes the ladies go 'aaaah'. Do not trust him.

IN PHOTO WITH ARM ROUND WOMAN CUT OUT OF PHOTOGRAPH

Divorced or separated. Probably bitter.

IN PHOTO WITH OTHER WOMAN

a. trying to prove he was once Getting It;
b. gay, with best friend (lady);
c. not over ex;
d. annoyingly hearty, and says "I'm crazy, me!"

IN 'PROFESSIONALLY TAKEN' PHOTOGRAPH

EITHER off-the-scale insecure OR an actor/tress OR really reckons themselves OR just weird. Either way, it's not good.

SMILING STRAIGHT AT CAMERA IN CANDID STYLE

Probably nice.

POUTING AT CAMERA
Probably an idiot (applies to men and women, obv)

LOOKING SIDEWAYS UP AT CAMERA AND POUTING
Definitely an idiot (ditto)

LYING IN BED ON SIDE LOOKING UP AT YOU FROM PILLOW
Reckons he is Mr Loverman. Usually a bit puffy and looks like he'd sweat a lot. An unsexy idiot. If it's a lady, she reckons she's all that, OR is called Pat, lives in Stevenage, has a husband in the army and a lot of 'needs'.

PLAYING A GUITAR

Smokes dope all day. Sensitive. Rough hands.

SHAVED HEAD, PHOTOGRAPHED AGAINST FRESHLY-CREOSOTED GARDEN FENCE SOMEWHERE LIKE WEMBLEY

Dangerous killer.

DRESSED IN AMUSING CLOTHES AND GURNING

Deeply insecure, actually quite nice, and thinks is only worthwhile if making everyone laugh.

IN CORPORATE SETTING IN SUIT

No friends as only picture he has is of self at work.

WITH CAR

Tiny cock. Obviously.

STARING MOODILY OUT OF WINDOW IN SEMI-DARKNESS
Ugly, but likes poetry.

RIPPLING TORSO

Cut photo out of Littlewood's Catalogue.

WEARING SURREALIST OUTFIT

Reckons is insteresting, therefore probably isn't.

Things To Watch Out For If You're Looking For A Gentleman Caller Online

2006-06-03T23:09:00.000+01:00

You're going to love this. And don't thank me. It's entirely my pleasure. I just want to give something back to the world.

a. Establish type of relationship with mother. If good (loving, affectionate, slightly wry, for e.g.), proceed. If obsessive, avoid. If full of hate, try the Tavistock Centre or other local mental health centre

b. Work out how many friends they have. If lots, and if they are normal, proceed. If only one or two, work out if he lived alone in a box for 20 years. If so, run away. If no evidence of friends at all, just no. Unless you don't have any friends either, in which case you might be good for each other

c. If someone is over their ex, they do not mention them in their profile, or indeed every 20 minutes in normal conversation. Talking about someone = thinking about someone = not much room in their head for you.

d. Talking about marriage/love/never leaving you within five dates. They are either fantasists, trying to get over another relationship, or not actually seeing you for who you are; just someone to go out with. You will be disappointed. Do not believe them. If they are still saying the same thing after 20 dates, you're fine. (I always fall for this one, by the way, so don't think I don't know what I'm talking about.)

e. Do not ever go out with anyone who plays golf (unless they do it ironically)

f. Or physicists

g. Or therapists (unless you think your cat is a baby, in which case proceed)

h. Or men who have profile pictures apparently shot at twilight with a disposable camera

i. Or at their computer lit by their screen

j. Or naked

k. Remember: if you have a degree, NVQ is not enough

l. If the face shot's not straight on, he's not a looker. If he posts a picture of his cock, he thinks he's dirrrty, but is in fact just looking for whatever everyone else is looking for. I'd avoid him if I were you, though.

m. Bad spelling and/or lazy grammar. This particular point means I always end up going on dates with copywriters and journalists, but that's another story. I'd look out for the IT boys who can write. They're always more interesting than you think.

n. People who don't have a picture up are suspect, unless they've hidden it and it's only available to their favourites.

o. If he likes salsa or ceroc dancing, mentions his car, has a photograph that suggests the interior decor of a blind man, lives with his mother, or marks 'Likes KFC' in his profile, just don't.

p. If he's online EVERY NIGHT, either both his legs are broken or he hasn't got any friends and never goes out.

q. I am suspicious of people who don't sound like they swear. Ever.

r. Pictures that were shot in a studio. By a 'professional' photographer.

s. What, exactly, does "I live life to the full" mean?

t. "I like feminine women" means a) he is gay; b) likes tiny women with crispy blonde hair who squeak, get waxed every week and never let "their man" see them without full slap on. (They like fake pink Juicy Couture 'sweatsuits' too, by the way.)

u. Excessive use of exclamation marks, unless obviously ironic

v. Or LOL (obv)

w. No, they're not really looking for marriage.

x. If their favourite books, films and music shows rubbish taste, avoid

y. Mistrust men who like West End musicals (except Sondheim at the National, bien sur)...

z. ... or who think Cirque du Soleil is 'a magical experience'.

Ballooning Senior Citizen Love - And All Thanks To Online Dating

2006-06-01T23:15:00.000+01:00

It really has been quite a week at Datingmonkey Towers. Our postbags have been stuffed to bursting with testimonials from happy couples, each and every one swearing by the power of online dating.

But this is the one that really pulled my monkey heartstrings.

Betty and Raymond, both 93, were both feeling isolated. Recently bereaved, they were living in retirement homes at opposite ends of the country (Raymond in St Ives, Betty in Aberdeen) - and although they shared their days with similarly jolly OAPs (some more continent than others), the real source of their isolation was their love of balloon sculpture which, although bringing them great personal and private joy, often left others confused.

Betty finally took the plunge last May, and posted an ad on Guardiansoulmates.co.uk. Ray picks up the story: "I had a feeling in my waters that morning, which is no mean feat - first time since 1984, if I'm honest - and I just had to try out this dating on the line. My great-great-niece encouraged me, took a really nice photograph of me in my jacket, and 'posted' it for me. I could hardly believe it when Betty sent me an electronic memo the next day via the fax machine - there she was, as pretty as a picture, holding on tightly to a balloon sculpture of the new partially-built Wembley Stadium!"

Betty and Ray married last month, and are pictured here with their own inimitable artists' impression of their wedding day.

I'm Fat: Can I Find Love Online?

2006-06-01T22:51:00.000+01:00

Hell, yeah! Mike and Nikki met via Datingdirect.com last November, and were recently married in Dungeness Town Hall. Nikki's daughter, Kylie, was chief bridesmaid, with Mike's first daughter from his 3rd marriage in place as Matron of Honour.

Cat and Dog Logic Applied To Internet Dating: Pt 2

2006-06-01T15:20:00.000+01:00

"Although I am an irritating lapdog, it is in my best interests that my owner finds love online for then they will be happy, and take me for little runs when they go on a 'walk in the park' with their new paramour. Therefore, I will not obstruct access to their computer. Wanna touch my neckerchief?"

"Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Dead eyes, with feathers behind. Me. Me. Me. Food. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Stroke me. Me. Evil. Evil. Kill. Kill."

The Internet Dating Questions They All Want To Ask

2006-05-31T00:00:00.000+01:00

Dear Datingmonkey

I am, of course, a huge fan. Both literally and metaphorically, as I both admire your work, and weigh over 23 stone. But now: to the point. I have three questions:

1. Does internet dating work?
2. Do you think it could work for me?
3. Is internet dating just another way of meeting people, or an example of the deterioration of traditional societies and the erosion of community?

Yours ever,

Carlos, Leighton Buzzard

Dear Carlos

1. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't.
2. Dunno. Probably.
3. First one.

Hope that helps.

Datingmonkey x

First Ever Internet Date: More Evidence From A Fan

2006-05-30T11:04:00.000+01:00

Following my recent revelations about the first ever internet date, a fan writes:

"You are a towering genius, a bottomless well of perpetual inspiration to us all. Only you could have unearthed this photo.

I remember that date as if it were yesterday (Alzheimer's gets you like that). I was the old bloke (yes, even then) in the corner, sipping a pint of Toad's Piss (like Snakebite but with Southern Comfort). The Eagles were on the jukebox, which had somehow stuck on 'Hotel California' and I was savouring a humble Number 6 and reading about a promising colt called Arkle.

He couldn't keep his hands off her, not surprising since she had one of those skimpy Laura Ashley numbers. She did keep shifting away from him, and I'm not surprised. I could smell the Brut from the other side of the bar."

First Internet Date Uncovered

2006-05-29T23:03:00.000+01:00

Historians at the University of the Easternmost Tip of England (formerly Tunbridge Wells Polytechnic) have uncovered evidence of the first internet date. Joe Last, now 49, was quick to relive memories of their pioneering technological first.

"It was 1977, and to be honest, we didn't really know what we were doing", said Joe this morning. "One minute I'm helping her with her Chemistry coursework; next minute she's asking me to touch her clogs with my hand. And all down to that little baby, the IBM AD2001 Lo-Tech Port-O-Ble. Still got it in the attic, as it goes - what do you reckon it would get on eBay?"

Veronica Lake, also 49 and pictured on the left of this photograph, refused to comment. "He kept sending me 'code'. I thought he was a bit dirty, really, but everyone was shagging everyone else so I thought, well, why not? I've told my daughters to stay away from the online, if I'm honest, although apparently it's good for car insurance."

Does It Matter What Music He Likes?

2006-05-29T22:23:00.000+01:00

Of course it bloody well does. Anyone who owns a James Blunt album doesn't deserve to have ears. Fact.

(NB: this post is just an excuse to show this excellent picture of Kraftwerk's 1981 B-Side, 'Computer Love'.)

How To Escape From A Bad Date

2006-05-28T09:22:00.000+01:00

What do you do if, 3 minutes into a date, your realise he's pointless cockmonkey?

I have found that the usual methods (running away, shouting 'OH MY CHRIST YOU ARE NOT WHAT I WANTED' in his face, pretending best mate has phoned and is dead, etc), may be less effective than 'subtly' dropping any of the following into conversation:

- does he want kids?

- does he believe in marriage?

- would he like to come to church with you on Sunday and meet your parents at the same time?

- would he like to see a photograph of your cats?

- would he like to accompany you to Phantom of the Opera?

- would he mind if you licked his face?

- doesn't he agree that Jean-Marie Le Pen represents all that is true and right in the world?

- doesn't he agree that Julian Lloyd-Weber was the really talented one?

- doesn't he agree that everyone's over-reacting, and of COURSE Bush was right?

- does he agree with you that sex before marriage is wrong, but that God wouldn't want you to be unhappy, so it's OK to do 'anything but' as long as it's in the dark, because that way God can't see?

You can, of course, just leave when he goes to the bar. Or say 'I'm very sorry, but I don't think this is working for me'. In fact, you could be grown up and honest about it. But that's not as much fun, is it?

A question from a concerned reader

2006-05-27T13:57:00.000+01:00

DM, you gotta help me.

I've been emailing this guy for 4 weeks, and it was going well (or so I thought) - we were going to meet for beers and a Mexican meal next Tuesday.

He's just emailed me to ask if I like 'dressing up', and mentioned a stethoscope he bought off a site that imports second hand medical gear from Malaysia.

I'm no prude, but this kind of concerns me. I'm keen to meet him (he's cute, and we've got a lot in common), but I'm not sure I'm ready to embark on a relationship with a man who's going to want to 'check my pulse' so soon in our relationship.

What do you think?

Thanks DM.

Concerned, NYC

Dear Concerned,

Thank you for your enquiry.

Let's get to it. Nothing is 'wrong' in the confines of a loving relationship in which both parties agree to indulge in whatever pecadillo gets their mutual dogs barking. But as you say - is this not a little early to mention his sexual preferences? So saying, I'm sure there's something YOU like in the sack that might frighten the horses a bit if brought up too early in a burgeoning relationship.

But - you like the sound of him. He is attractive, you've been emailing him for 4 weeks, and you're clearly keen to meet him. I suggest you say kindly but firmly that you are a little alarmed by his early mention of his medical preferences, and ask him to keep them to himself until you have, at least, met.

Go and drink beers and eat fajitas, or whatever you do when eating 'Mexican'. And if he whips out his stethoscope on the first date, I suggest you whip out some chloroform and a rag, also freely available from the Malaysian websites you mention above.

Yours in Dating

DM x

PS Would you look good in a saucy nurse's uniform? If so, I suggest you give it a pop. You never know. You might like it.

Dog and Cat Logic Applied to Internet Dating

2006-05-27T09:44:00.000+01:00

Today, I give you the greatest gift of them all: Dog Logic. What is this thing, I hear you cry? Well, it's simple. When in doubt, think like a dog - a tactic that is particularly useful when you are doing internet dating.

It ain't that difficult. Just react the way a dog would. For e.g.:

I am hungry = I must eat
I am tired = I must sleep.
I see an arse = I must stick my nose in it. (OK if a dog, unless you go to That Sort Of Party, I suppose)
There is a tree = Piss.
There is a fire = Lie down and sleep.
There is a cat = Kill. (I heartily endorse this aspect of being a dog, as it goes.)

So, what have we learnt? Dogs look at the evidence before them, interpret it correctly, and act upon it.

Right, kidz, let's step it up a gear, apply it to internet dating, and see what happens.

Man has not replied to email = man not interested.

Man has not telephoned after date = man not interested.

Man has requested repeat viewing on first date = probably interested.

Man then follows up with telephone call again requesting repeat viewing = definitely interested.

Man enjoys second viewing, then does not request third viewing = you did that thing. Yes. That one. (Or showed picture of cat, you spazzer.)

Lady has licked her lips a lot and showed you a suggestion of bosom = fancies a rummage in a back alley.

Lady sits with legs and arms crossed frowning = thinks you are a tosser.

Lady shows you picture of cat = terminally insane

Lady tells you she is fat/ugly/boring over & over again = not worth the effort

Lady tells you she likes seeing you = she means it

Man tells you he likes seeing you = he means it

Man uses picture you took of him as profile picture when re-posts profile after you have split up = over you (oh, SO over you)

Man goes out with you, then goes out with ex-girlfriend, then re-posts profile = has split up with ex again, but still so over you.

Now let's think about cats. What do they do? They piss about being annoying and making faces that suggest there's some sort of existential analysis going on behind their empty eyes. Cats are in fact astonishingly stupid, which is why they eat mice and that. So, what happens when we apply cat logic to the same situations? Let's see, shall we.

Man has not replied to your email = yeah, well, he's like on holiday

Man has not telephoned after date = he's working really hard, but I know he likes me because he smiled. Once.

Man has requested repeat viewing on first date = I have a boyfriend.

Man then follows up with telephone call again requesting repeat viewing = I have definitely got a boyfriend.

Man enjoys second viewing, then does not request third viewing = he's just afraid of commitment.

Lady has licked her lips a lot and showed you a suggestion of bosom = lady has funny sticky lips and is a bit hot.

Lady sits with legs and arms crossed frowning = lady is very tired indeed and preoccupied with her terminal illness.

Lady shows you picture of cat = lady is lovely and I want her to stroke me

Lady tells you she is fat/ugly/boring over & over again = poor poor lady! I will stroke my head against her until she strokes me and makes me feel better too.

Lady tells you she likes seeing you = lady wants to go out with me! Must run away! Must run away!

Man tells you he likes seeing you = man wants to marry me! Must subscribe to Brides magazine!

Man uses picture you took of him as profile picture when re-posts profile after you have split up = he is sending me a signal that he loves me still by using a picture I took

Man goes out with you, then goes out with ex-girlfriend, then re-posts profile = he is sending me a signal that he still loves me by re-posting his profile, because he has lost my 3 email addresses, 4 phone numbers, can't remember where I live or work, and can't remember my surname.

Any wonder I spend most evenings out with a stun gun hunting down the local feline population?

The Busy Executive's Guide To Profiles

2006-05-25T10:12:00.000+01:00

Millions of profiles. Seconds to read each. You haven't got time to waste.

Bear these points in mind as you browse, and love will come skipping into your inbox before you can say 'let's run it up the flagpole and see who salutes it'.

For the Ladies:

Dismiss immediately if profile includes the following:

Bad spelling

Pictures: Facial topiary, i.e. over-elaborate sculpted facial hair; blurred photograph; in a photograph with another woman

Where I live: I share a flat with friends (if over 43); I live with my parents (if over 30)

Hobbies: Civil War re-enactment; Star Wars conventions; gynaecology

Marital status: Separated; I have just got out of a relationship

Pets: reptiles; more than 2 dogs; llamas

I am looking for: 'Looks not important - all I am seeking is a good heart and 3 out of 4 limbs'

For the Gentlemen:

Dismiss immediately if profile includes the following:

Bad spelling; excessive use of exclamation marks; LOL; smileys

Pets: I live alone with 3 cats - 'my babies'

Marital status: I have been single for 7 years; I am trying to rebuild my life after my husband left me for his secretary

Photographs: With soft toys; with lots of female friends looking 'wacky'; photograph taken after a 'makeover' day at the local high street photographer

About me: "I am a kooky, bubbly, fun-loving girl who likes going out and staying in. I'm looking for someone to protect me, and laugh in the rain"

Good luck, busy people. You deserve to find love too.

A QUESTION FROM A READER

2006-05-24T01:20:00.000+01:00

Hi Datingmonkey,

I am a huge fan of your blog - I think you're hilarious. Here's my
question:

I've never tried internet dating sites, but am considering it. Mostly, I'm afraid of getting caught on one of those sites. How do you deal with the possible humiliation of having your profile seen by somebody that you know and then being considered a desperate or pathetic?

Thanks!

Ellen

My dear Ellen

I am pre-disposed to answer your question seriously as you are a Fan, and Heaven only knows they are few and far between. Still, you are obviously a woman of great good taste and for that, I salute you.

To your question, my dear.

Two options:

Option One

On most internet dating sites, you can 'hide' your photograph and only make it visible to those to whom you choose to make it visible. This is excellent if you are nervous of being discovered by a sneering colleague, but (unfortunately) not so good if you want to attract a lot of attention - as the simple fact is that profile photographs attract more attention.

Option Two

Take the bull by the horns, and the horse by the bit. Say it loud: "I'm internet dating and proud". I honestly believe that it isn't either desperate or pathetic anymore. In fact, amongst my group of friends (none of whom are desperate or pathetic), if you're single, you're a bit weird if you DON'T do it. I remember when I started internet dating about 7 years ago it was a bit weird, and you were allowed to be a bit embarrassed by it; now, people go 'oh' when you tell them how you've met your new boyfriend.

I suggest you go for it. Do it with grace, spirit, and a bit of elan. Get a big smiling picture of yourself. Write an honest, funny, sweet profile. Go and look and lots and lots of boys. Go on lots and lots of dates. Have fun doing it. You will meet a lot of people. And one of them might just be right for you.

And now to these people you are afraid of 'catching' you do it. Here's a thing: they'll only catch you doing it if they are on the sites themselves. But more to the point, anyone sneering at anyone making an honest attempt to find a lovely partner should have a sharp slap delivered to the back of their head, and be told to grown up in very severe tones. I don't think I'd care much about the opinion of these out-of-date looooo-sers, whose idea of socialising is probably going to the bar they always go to with the people they've always known, drinking 14 quarts of beer, trying to get off with the nearest person they can lay their hands on, then going home and falling asleep fully clothed on their sofa encased in a miasma of their own stench.

Listen, you sound like a sweetie. If you're a bit shy, try the 'hide profile photograph' option. (Match.com does it and is a good place to start). Then, if you feel braver, expose yourself (as it were). And if anyone dares judge you, put your chin up, look them in the eye, and say: "And your point is what, exactly?".

With love (and tell me how it goes)

DM xxx

PS you can also meet a lot of top new friends by doing internet dating. I met 3 great friends doing it, let alone all the rest of it ...

IT'S A LOVE SUPERMARKET

2006-05-21T17:44:00.001+01:00

I propose applying some cunning tricks used by retailers to internet dating sites, thereby improving the internet dating customer experience.

BOGOF, aka Buy One, Get One Free

Do I really need to explain this?

Loyalty Cards (1)

You get points for every date you go on. After, say, 10 dates, the site gives you free access to all the pretty boys they've been keeping for themselves in a secret file in the office.

Loyalty Cards (2)

You get points for every message you get. Then something happens. Don't know what. Free membership or something. Cake, perhaps.

Sale

All the mingers' profiles get bigged-up for a week in a bid to shift them off the site and into a relationship, therefore improving the overall customer experience.

Computers for Schools Vouchers

Collect virtual 'tokens' as you date, and help build a programme that introduces internet dating to schools.

Obviously this is a brilliant idea as it is inevitable that in 5 years you'll be seen as a freak if you didn't meet your partner online, so let's equip the kidz now with all the information they need (how to interpret profile photographs; what profiles actually mean, etc - see May archive). Oh, and you'll be giving something back to society. Nice one.

Marketing

Yes, I know they do it, but they could do it better. What about nicking Waitrose's line? 'Quality Totty, Honestly Priced'? And I'm sure we could do something with that Asda arse-slap.

Direct-To-Door Delivery

You organise your date, then the site brings them round in a van for you to look at before you commit to 30 quid's worth of drinks, a £20 cab fare home and having to beat them off with a shitty stick when they try and stick their hand up your skirt after the third Manhattan. If the one you've chosen isn't available, they'll bring round 'the nearest equivalent'.

Premium Range

'Finest' or 'Simply the Best' - either is fine. These are the particularly comely ladies and gentlemen the sites run special checks on, and are guaranteed mentally sound, mainly fed on organic free range food, clean and intelligent. They also come with a bit of traceability info, i.e. references from 3 ex boyfriends or girlfriends.

They cost a bit more but the quality's really worth it.

Own Brand Range

Average men and women who want to live in a Barrett home, enjoy Eamonn Holmes' National Lottery show and buy all their clothes from Next.

Customer Services

You phone up the site to see if they've got any 6ft freelance writers with blue eyes who are good at kissing and making biscuits in stock. They say yes, then you get put on hold and transferred to Bakery.

TODAY'S FIRST QUESTION

2006-05-19T23:36:00.000+01:00

Dear Datingmonkey,

Everyone's doing internet dating, if you believe what you hear at West London dinner parties. Thing is, at 27, I don't think I'm desperate enough to do it. OK so I haven't met anyone I'm interested in in ages, and I've been single for 2 years. I'm not unattractive, I've got a job that I like and that pays OK, I've got lots of really nice friends, and I don't think I'm a total idiot - I just think that doing it means I've given up.

What do you think?

Thanks a lot.

Jack, Fulham

Dear Jack,
Are you mad? Get online and get some lady action, unless - of couse - you are a gaylord. Is that perhaps the problem? Either way, have a pop. Put 'likes men and women' in your profile. See what happens. Have a go on both. Meet some new people. See what tickles your fancy. It's the only solution.
Good luck.
DM x

TODAY'S SECOND QUESTION

2006-05-19T23:17:00.000+01:00

Datingmonkey

Oh, it's all so sweet, your advice, isn't it. Everything's so fucking nice in internet dating land when you're around, isn't it. What is it? Had some 'good luck' yourself? Is that it? I'm not impressed, as it goes. In your world, you assume that everyone's OK really, and that no bad shit happens. I've just this very night had some twat email me after 5 dates, the most recent of which was last night, telling me he really liked me but didn't think it was going to work out. Why did he bother seeing me so many times? What have I done wrong? Why does this have to be so fucking difficult?

Cheers

Jess, Hackney

Dearest Jess

Listen. I don't think everything's OK in the world, so I certainly don't think it's all OK in internet dating land. Being single is lonely, boring, tough, and much more difficult than being in a relationship with someone you like and who likes you. Yes, I've met someone recently, but that's not the point and it doesn't change the advice I'm going to give you now.

The first thing to say is at least this chap was honest. He saw you a few times and he decided that you weren't the right girl for him. It doesn't mean that you're not the right girl for someone else. It's always disappointing if you're single and meet someone who's interesting who you think's interested in you and it doesn't work out, not only because that particular relationship hasn't worked out, but because it's so utterly exhausting and annoying having to start again.

The second thing to say is leave it alone with this one, don't ask him why (my dear, the indignity! It's enough knowing that he's not interested - and no, you don't need 'closure', you spaz), and just, well, get online and find someone else to go on a date with. And if that doesn't work out, do it again. And keep going until you find someone you like.

But being bitter and angry ain't going to help. It ain't attractive. The whole dating malarkey is undignified and a bit shite, but it's also quite entertaining and all sorts of weird shit can happen. Don't expect too much from it, and that way you won't be disappointed when it doesn't give you exactly the thing you think you want.

And anyway, he was patently a retard if he didn't like you. Most chaps like a gal with a bit of spirit and by jiminy, you sound spunky.

Love

DM x

QUESTION OF THE DAY

2006-05-18T16:10:00.000+01:00

Dear Datingmonkey

I have had 6 dates with a gentleman caller off of the internet. I slept with him on dates 1-3, had a brief fumble on date 4, and a cheek-kiss on date 5. On date 6, however, he didn't touch me at all, not even by accident. I also haven't heard from him for over a week.

What does it mean?

Yours anxiously,

Jackie, Ruislip

My dear Jackie

Thank you for your enquiry.

Well, regardless of the shagging part, if you haven't heard from him, he's not interested. Why he's not interested I couldn't tell you, and I'm not prepared to speculate.

Well, actually, I am.

1. He was after a quick round of cacher le saucisse, as my imaginary French penpal Henri used to say, but not after a 'relationship'

2. He slept with you before he decided if he liked you or not. You are a girl, therefore you assumed that he slept with you because he liked you. Wrong. He slept with you, then decided he didn't like you that much, so didn't bother with a repeat viewing.

3. You smell weird. That's not the same as smelling bad. Some people just smell weird. It's something to do with hormones and that.

4. You smell.

5. You are foxy, but a fucking idiot.

6. You lie on your back in bed staring at the ceiling and wincing.

7. You showed him your 'special drawer', and he was afraid.

Either way, it doesn't really matter. You're not going to see him again.

But what can you learn from this? Easy. Don't sleep with someone on the first date. Or the second. Or the third. Or even more than that, if you don't feel like it. Not from some fucking stupid adherence to the cunting 'Rules', but because you get to know someone and find out if they're the kind of cock who shags you a few times, and then stops calling.

Hot love

DM

The Madman of Chiswick: A Cautionary Tale About Inbreeding

2006-05-17T20:51:00.000+01:00

Posh as you like, he was. Proper posh. Unintelligible on the phone. Said 'ears' instead of 'yes'. That kind of thing. Quite funny though, in a way. Lived in Chiswick and worked in the City (quel surprise). And from his photograph, quite astonishingly handsome.

I met him one evening in a pub. In Chiswick. A few emails had been exchanged. Nothing remarkable, really. So seeing him in the flesh was quite a shock because he was, as his photographs suggested, quite astonishingly handsome. Odd, though. Talked about himself a lot. We drank some wine and talked about something. Can't remember what. And he said, come back to my flat for a cup of tea and order a cab. Nothing untoward, you understand. Plus there was obviously nothing 'like that' going on.

And my word, the flat. The top of an enormous house. Full of beautiful paintings and furniture in that over-crowded posh person's way. We drank tea and he showed me some photographs of his father winning the Monte Carlo Grand Prix. By now, it was clear that he wasn't quite right. Lots of stories about slights real and imagined; slightly cruel stories about things he had done to women who had slighted him on the line. I was fascinated, rather than afraid.

We sat down. "May I read you some of my poetry? Seamus Heaney was a family friend and he thought some of it was rather good". "Gosh", I said, "best not, I have the most appalling habit of giggling when anyone reads poetry out loud, however good it is, and I'm afraid you'll be very offended."

He started reading his poetry. His poetry was not good. It was about death and moles and stuff. To read it, he assumed an over-dramatic and v-e-r-y s-l-o-w voice; the voice of someone doing a very bad impersonation of Lawrence Olivier c. 1949. I was biting my hand. "And now - some music", he said, leaping to his feet.

He turned on his "soundsystem" and out came Alannis Morisette. He started swaying. "When I was in the hospital they recommended that I get a very good soundsystem. If you're bipolar, like I am, you often have very sensitive hearing. This cost £10,000". "Oh", I said. The cab came. "I don't think we'll be lovers, but it would be rarely good fun to have you round to supper with some chums one night", he said. "Lovely", I said, and disappeared into the West London evening.

The next day, he phoned me. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that. I started ignoring his calls. He started leaving increasingly strange messages. He emailed me (and 30 of his friends) a picture of a woman's breasts. "This bitch strung me along, and now I'm getting back at her by sending you all the photograph she sent me". I replied saying: never send me anything like this again. You have been very unkind, and you should apologise to her. He replied saying I was right, and that he had apologised.

One day, he emailed me again asking me to write to the management of the site we had met each other on, asking for a character reference because he had been banned from the site for 'abusing other members'. I said I wouldn't get involved, and didn't know him well enough to give him a character reference.

And the reply was interesting. " IF YOU DO NOT REPLY TO MY EMAILS I SHALL BLOCK YOU FROM ALL MY EMAIL ACCOUNTS AND I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN."

Oh, I thought.

INTERNET DATING CONUNDRUM 4

2006-05-14T00:21:00.000+01:00

Does internet dating work?

Well, do pubs, bars, offices, supermarkets, school reunions, funerals, weddings, galleries, parties, blind dates set up by your friends, speed dating events (whatever they are), dinner parties, evening classes, singles' events, festivals, cinemas, personal ads in papers and arranged marriages 'work'?

Depends what you mean by 'work'. A way of meeting someone can't in itself guarantee the success of the relationship. However and wherever you meet, and whether you choose to start a relationship with someone relies on you applying your own judgement. If your judgement is skewed and you keep going out with tosspots, then that's your problem. You can't blame the method by which you met.

My judgement, by the way, is excellent, which means when someone says "so, has internet dating worked for you, then?" I just roll my eyes and offer then a biscuit.

Am I addicted to internet dating?

2006-05-12T16:16:00.002+01:00

Dear Datingmonkey

I think I'm addicted to internet dating. I check my emails 20 times a day, and every time someone nice emails me, or wants to meet, I get really excited. Then, if we meet and there's no spark, I just feel disappointed. And the way I get over the disappointment is to start all over again.

It feels like I'm trapped in a vicious circle and I can't break free - so turning my back on it all seems to be the only answer.

What do you think?

Your friend,

Dave

My dear boy,

Come now. This all sounds very over-dramatic.

I suggest you think a little differently about internet dating. You are only getting in a tizz because you are confusing all these little emails and 'winks' and brief meetings in pubs and all the rest of it with an actual and real relationship.

Internet dating is - as I keep saying - merely a way of meeting people. It is also extremely entertaining. There is nothing wrong with checking your email a few times a day to see if you've got any emails. There is nothing wrong with checking out the talent on the line. There is nothing wrong with getting a little frisson of excitement when you come across a profile of someone who does not appear to be a mush-faced cockmonkey.

So keep calm, enjoy it, don't invest too much emotional energy in it and if you decide you want to stop doing it for a bit, then fine. I guarantee you'll be back within 2 months, having realised that anyone worth shagging is doing online dating, and spending evenings in ogling profiles rather than hanging out in pubs 'n' clubs.

Love

Datingmonkey

It Must Be OK, It's On EastEnders

2006-05-09T11:51:00.000+01:00

Worried that internet dating's still a bit, er, niche? Can't be. It's on EastEnders.

It's only a matter of time before Asda and Tesco launch internet dating sites, earning you ClubCard points for every date you go on. The NEC and Olympia will be given over to 10 day Internet Dating Fairs, and people will be faintly embarrassed at dinner parties if they have to admit that they didn't meet their partner online.

Even now, tossy Islington meeja types are sitting around sratching their chins and saying things like 'So, like, we need, like, an internet dating site for people like us, darling - your marketing skills, Tash's PR background and Jonny's IT talent's all we need - and I met a super little chap at a party last week, does the design thing ....'

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Profile of the Year

2006-05-08T16:46:00.000+01:00

Ex Career Bitch seeking solvent husband

About me and what I'm looking for

Fed up of working so am looking for someone rich to marry me so that I can have kids and watch daytime telly. Have done the independent, successful yet charming thing and it hasn't worked. So here's the direct approach - and what do you have to say about it?

Now there's a girl after my own heart.

INTERNET DATING CONUNDRUM # 3

2006-05-07T22:59:00.000+01:00

I've met someone I really like through an internet dating site. We get on really well, but I still feel a bit weird about it - I'm a bit embarrassed and think it's a bit spoddy, which means I'm not taking our relationship entirely seriously. Should I be worried?

I hear ya.

Listen. A lot of people worry about this stuff. Reasons include:

1. You pay money to meet someone.
2. You 'meet' without meeting.
3. There are a lot of chancers and weirdos out there.
4. Computers are spoddy.
5. It's for saddos.

Fear not. Answers thus.

It costs money.

So does going to a bar, buying a new 'top' (whatever that is), having your nails done (US only - we don't bother with that sort of nonsense in the UK), buying rounds of drinks, and getting a taxi home.

At least with internet dating you can spend about £20 a month and sit at home and check out the talent. It may work. It may not. But it's better than the grinding fuck-awful depression of 'going on the pull' which usually ends up with an unsatisfactory one night stand, or coming home and eating cake in front of the telly and realising you've caned £80 in an evening for absolutely no reason.

Looking for someone = getting out in the world. Unless you are planning to stand outside your house with a placard, you are going to have to spend some cash, if only on a bus fare and a cup of tea.

Conclusion: the monetary transaction ain't important.

You 'meet' without meeting.

Yeah, that's the point of internet dating. Also known as: millions of people being put before you to choose from, based on some basic search criteria. (In my case: do I like the look of their face? Can they write? Are they funny? Would we have anything to talk about? Don't worry about it any further than that, there's no point.)

Conclusion: you only actually 'meet' once you've, er, met in the flesh. Then it's real life. Before then, you haven't really met. You're just increasing your chances of meeting someone you might like.

There are a lot of chancers and weirdos out there.

Have you been outside recently? Just travelling to work and paying attention will tell you that the world is full of complete idiots and lunatics, as well as a lot of perfectly ordinary, nice people. More chance of meeting a freakshow in my local pub than there is on the internet, of that I'm sure.

Conclusion: What's your point?

Computers are spoddy.

Oh, grow up. It's not 1985. You may have noticed that you are able to bank, shop, insure, make music, make films, talk to your best mate in Australia in real time, find anything you want in about 2 seconds flat and generally have access to the world via a thing which is, in my case, about 12 inches by 10 inches, made of metal, and has a lead that goes into the wall and does something clever. That's not spoddy. That's fucking genius.

Conclusion: One of my best mates is a very talented artist who, for a day job, happens to design some sort of mind-fuckingly clever systems for banks that make people able to do stuff with billions and billions of dollars. If you can do that, there's a high chance you're quite clever. And to do it well, you have to be able to communicate with other people. Which means you will also have social skills. I always think you should take particular interest in people who say they work in IT but write beautifullly. These people are clever. Computers are not spoddy.

It's for saddos.

No it's not. I'm not prepared to discuss this any further. It's just not. We're past the tipping point (or whatever wank expression you want to use). If you're single and over 30 and DON'T do internet dating, you're probably certifiably insane.

Don't worry. It's just another way of meeting people. What you do with the relationship is up to you. If you fuck it up, or those relationships keep going wrong, it's easy to blame 'internet dating' - which is the same as blaming the pub you met your boyfriend in for the relationship going wrong if you split up.

See?

Hot love

Datingmonkey

x

How To Write An Internet Dating Profile

2006-05-07T11:43:00.001+01:00

Lord, have you looked at internet dating profiles recently? Great swathes of nonsense, spewing unchecked across the digital highway. But how do you write a profile that will attract the partner of your dreams? And how do you avoid making those everyday mistakes that make otherwise perfectly nice people absolutely repellent?

Fear not. Follow these instructions to the letter and you'll be shacked up before you can say 'I fancy a winter wedding'.

Be honest

There's simply no point in lying on your profile. You'll get found out in the end anyway, and it's exhausting trying to remember what you've said to whom.

If you're as fat as a pig but say you are of 'average' build, your paramour is going to gag into his/her cocktail when you meet.

If you've only got 3 out of 4 limbs, fess up now (Heather McCartney. Need I say more?)

If you're a librarian, don't pretend you're an air hostess.

If you've got kids, say so (you ever tried hiding an 8 year old for more than 2 months? No? Don't start now).

The thing about the internet is that even if you're a 5ft man with long ginger hair and an interest in topiary, you'll be able to find someone who'll be looking for someone like you. That's why it's good. So be honest. It might take a bit longer, but it's worth it.

Do not - I repeat not - use any of the following expressions

"I like going out and staying in"
"I live life to the full"
"I love snuggling up on the sofa with a DVD and a bottle of red wine"
"I am looking for a husband"
"I have 3 cats"

If I need to tell you why, do us all a favour and remove yourself from all internet dating sites immediately.

Spell checks are there for a reason

Much as I like a well-turned apostrophe (in a sexual way, if I'm really honest about it), the thing about badly written and spelt* profiles is that they're just really annoying to read. So use the spell check. That way, not only will you look like less of a fuckwit, your profile will be less irritating.

* Update, June 2010: I have just read this again, what with yet another comment about how 'spelt' is a typo. And I am amused, because I think I did it on purpose, what with it being in a paragraph about spell checking, etc. Also, usually my speling is quite good usualy and it's the kind of joke I quite like. Either way, it's not worth getting knickers in a twist about.

Paragraphs are good

Great blocks of dense type. Long, long lists separated only by semi-colons. Poor use of capital letters. All these things make life difficult. Punctuation exists to make life easier, not to complicate it. Try to use it. (If you don't know how, The Economist can help.)

Your computer is not a telephone, and you are not 12

No need for C U l8tr and that kind of nonsense then, is there? Lazy writing = lazy mind, probably inside the head of an idiot.

Don't get clever with photographs

Fancy photography = you are a cock.

Straight on, smiling if possible. Without other people in the frame. Try for a head and shoulders shot as your main picture, and a full body one for the second (if you've got one - if you haven't, describe yourself honestly).

Don't be too selective

If you're too specific in your requirements (6ft 1, green eyes, likes cats, lives in Bedford, doesn't like peppers), you could be missing out. That's all I'm saying. Be sensible (it is reasonable, for example, to not want to meet a fundamentalist Christian if you're an atheist and vice-versa), but don't start applying a weirdo mental list of attributes to your 'match' criteria.

And anyway, if you haven't had any luck with your existing match criteria, go for the opposite of what you've been looking for so far. You'll be married within a year.

Don't go on

Yeah yeah, I know, life's been tough, hasn't it. All men/woman are evil, you've been treated badly, you had a bad childhood, things are shit. Whatever. Internet dating is about meeting people. What happens after that, and how intimate your relationship is going to be, happens AFTER you've met. A miserable twat isn't fun to go on a date with. That's it, really. Misery does indeed love company, but the company usually shouts 'lovely party, darling, must dash' and leaves, or makes a quick exit via the loo window when misery is at the bar.

Be realistic

If you live in London and they live in Edinburgh, it's not going to be easy. If you own a cattery and they are allergic to cats, it's not going to work. If you've got a PHd in astrophysics and their idea of fulfillment is a copy of 'Hello!' and a packet of ginger nuts, what are you going to have to say to each other?

Think carefully about what's really important to you

Do you really care if someone's got a degree or not? Does it matter if they haven't got money, as long as they're happy? Does it matter that they like tripe, and you don't? If you like hardcore S&M, should you be looking for someone who doesn't?

Tell the truth and have faith, my friends. If you're not happy with yourself the way you are (or at least 70% of the time), you shouldn't be looking for a relationship anyway. Go figure, as our friends in the United States say.

I wish you monkeyspeed.

INTERNET DATING CONUNDRUM # 2

2006-05-05T10:08:00.000+01:00

Every date I go on is rubbish. The men either leave early, or don't want to see me again. I think they're boring arses too, so I'm not that bothered - but how come I've been on over 20 dates, and I haven't had one 'success'? It's not like I'm ugly or anything - in fact, I'm a very good looking, 5ft 7, size 10 blonde - and I'm very bright.

Is it me, or is it them?

Dear Correspondent

As ever, a number of options here:

1. You've just had bad luck.
2. You are picking the wrong types.
3. You have the social skills of a small monkey
4. You are an insufferably cocky twat.

Only you will know which of these applies, so we'll move on to the advice part.

If you're meeting the wrong sort of person (whatever that is) change your search criteria. If you've always gone for men who are 6ft 4 with PHd in astrophysics you're fucked anyway - but what I'm saying is be less picky about the stuff that doesn't really matter (height, whether they have the same class of degree as you), and more picky about whether they sound like you'd have a laugh or not.

There is no way you can have had that much 'bad luck'. 20 dates? All shit? Look to yourself, my friend. Which brings me on to ...

Social skills are kind of important. It's not that difficult. Don't cock on endlessly about yourself. Ask the other person questions, but don't interview them. Even if you think they're boring, pretend to be interested. That can often make people feel more comfortable, and then they actually do become interesting.

Sounds to me you're a bit of a dick as it goes. Stop being so full of yourself, and you may become more attractive. Then your dates will be more successful.

Good luck!

I remain,

Datingmonkey

INTERNET DATING CONUNDRUM #1

2006-05-02T23:02:00.000+01:00

"We've been on ten dates, but his profile's still online: is he interested in me, or is he waiting until someone better comes along?"

Options for your consideration this warm Spring evening:

1. Yes, he's interested in you. He's just checking to see if you've still got your profile up. You were made for each other, you stalkery freaks.

2. Yes, but he's also just making sure there's not someone prettier, funnier, more articulate, thinner, and all-round better than you out there, of course.

3. Yes, but he is also seeing 5 other people. You have competition. Be afraid. Be very afraid. And slightly paranoid.

4. No, not really. That's why he's seen you 10 times, regularly phones you up, emails you a few times a week, has met your friends and has asked what you're doing weekend after next. WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK HIM?*

* Remembering, as you do, that he will also have noticed that your profile is still up.

Listen, you meet someone you like. Your profile is still up. You get emails. You go and read the emails because you haven't got anything else to do. Then your membership expires and you don't renew it , or you just get fed up with reading all the emails when you're not interested anymore and hide your profile or cancel your membership.

Look, this stuff just isn't worth getting your knickers in a twist about. Just look at the evidence (i.e. amount of times you see him/talk to him, etc). Weigh it up vs. all the imagined scenarios you can. Ask a straight question (not in a mad tearful way: in a nice straightforward way). If that doesn't work, the relationship's probably fucked and he's probably a twat. But you're probably a bit unstable if you're worrying about it that much, so are you sure you should be trying to meet someone?

Hmm.

The Difference Between Internet Dating In America and In The UK

2006-04-29T07:14:00.001+01:00

People in America take it quite seriously. We don't.

I'd comment on the French too, but they haven't got Broadband yet.

It's only internet dating, but I like it, like it, yes I do.

2006-04-24T23:01:00.000+01:00

Oh the joy. The pure, unadulterated joy of going through an inbox you haven't looked at for 3 weeks.

"But Datingmonkey! What's in your box?", I hear you cry. Now that, my friends, is my business. But my internet dating inbox is another thing altogether.

LOOK at the vaguely aggressive email from someone I wasn't aware I had ever corresponded with. "I have given you my number but you haven't phoned me so I have decided you aren't interested. Have a nice life." I say, he sounds cross.

SIGH at the grammatical excellence sewn into the very heart of "Hi!! U look fun, want to meet up for some chats??!" Of course I do, my dear!

WONDER at the fact that some people read your profile and think that you will have anything in common, when you are you, and they are them, and them is 59 and from Stoke on Trent

GASP at the number of people having 'family troubles' meaning they are "unable to meet up, even though I suggested it a few weeks ago" (Again, amnesia on my part: when did this exchange happen? Have I really been that drunk for this long? What is my name? Who am I? Where am I going? WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT? GO AWAY)

LAUGH at the fact that the person you were seeing 'for a bit' (i.e. under 3 months) last year (who is quite nice really) is using a photograph you took of him when you were on holiday as his Main Profile Picture.

Oh, I could go on, but I won't. And why haven't I checked my inbox for weeks? Because I haven't.

DATINGMONKEY'S DEBATE FORUM CHATCENTRE FOR HOT TOPICS

2006-04-23T10:18:00.000+01:00

What do you do if you meet someone off of the internet and realise within seconds that he's a pointless cockmonkey?

I have found that the usual methods (running away, shouting 'OH MY CHRIST YOU ARE NOT WHAT I WANTED' in his face, pretending best mate has phoned and is dead, etc) may be less effective than 'subtly' dropping any of the following into conversation:

- does he want kids?
- does he believe in marriage?
- does he believe in the one true Lord, Jesus Christ?
- is he an anal virgin?
- would he like to see a photograph of your cats?
- would he like to accompany you to Phantom of the Opera?
- would he mind if you licked his face?
- doesn't he agree that Jean-Marie Le Pen represents all that is true and right in the world?
- doesn't he agree that Julian Lloyd-Weber was the really talented one?
- tell him you can't see what all the fuss is about, and that of course Bush was right?
- tell him you don't believe in sex before marriage, but that God wouldn't want you to be unhappy, so you'll do 'anything but' as long as it's in the dark so God can't see.

Anyone else got any ideas?

LIVELY DEBATE CONTINUES AROUND ...(Well, it doesn't, but wishful thinking is the premise upon which internet dating is built, so it would be foolish not to indulge myself occasionally)

1. "Does doing internet dating make me a loser?" (Mike, Boston)

2. "Is internet dating simply another way of meeting great people, merely facilitated by the explosion in digital technology?" Kiki La Rue, Richmond)

3. "Does she mean it if she's 38 and says she 'maybe' wants kids?" (Paul, Newcastle)

4. "Does 'bubbly' mean 'fat and annoying'?" (LG, London)

5. "Does the Lord love women who use the internet to find men for casual sex?" (EB, Nebraska)

6. "No news from him for 3 weeks: he must have died, right?" (Kate, Melbourne)

7. "Today I cradled my cat in my arms and kissed him and called him "Bubba". Do you think my desperation will leak out of me when I meet men off the internet?" (CP, Ealing)

8. "Anyone got any ideas on how to screen out the desperate late-30s bitches with the biological clocks ticking? They lie about their ages and shit, and what's with using 10 year old pictures? They're always 40lbs fatter than they say they are, too, and kinda ugly." (Chas, NYC)

9. "Why is James Blunt?" (Everyone, The World)

10. "What does it mean if his profile picture shows him with a woman, but her face has been scrubbed out with a pin?" (Jackie, Barnsley)

11. "Can I trust a man who, in his profile photograph, leans on his red Ferrari, and wears a large moustache shaped like an upside down hirsute banana?" (Liz, Canary Wharf)

12. "She looks like my mother. Is it wrong to fancy her?" (Patrick, Sussex)

Datingmonkey's Guide To UK Internet Dating Sites

2006-04-20T21:47:00.000+01:00

The point of internet dating is to meet new people. Therefore, the more members a site has, the more likely you are to meet someone. Fact.

So, much as it galls me to admit it, the big ones are a good place to start if you're new to it all; they're well-designed, easy to use, quite a laugh and, well, full of potential lurve interest.

If you've been doing it a while and aren't having much luck, try guardiansoulmates.co.uk or loveandfriends.com. Particularly good if you're over the age of 25 and can hold open a big newspaper with both your hands.

Right, first bit of advice: try and be on more than one site. It's the same as drinking in more than one pub. And if you are on more than one site, I'd use the same profile and photographs. Not sure why; it just seems sensible.

www.guardiansoulmates.co.uk

Very high fox count. Join immediately. Quite London, but maybe that's because I live in Brixton and put 'lives within 10 miles' as one of my search criteria. Enough eccentrics to make it interesting, and very few boring cocks from Merton - although it has got, as you would expect, a fairly high tofu shoe-wearing vegan count.

Getting increasingly stalker-y though: you can see who's looked at your profile, which is a bit gutting when it's someone you like the look of and they've looked at your gurning monkey gob and the inane witterings of your profile and just moved on.

No rubbish 'winking' (otherwise known as "you look Ok but I can't be arsed to write to you"); fans and favourites and all that. Nice to use though, although according to 'My Matches' I should be getting jiggy with a 40 year old estate agent from Basildon with whom I have a 98% match. And that, obviously, is preposterous.

On the whole I've met some high quality gentlemen on it though, if you discount the man who wasn't over the ex-girlfriend he split up with over a year before we met, the alcoholic and the man I nearly met who said he was 42 and was in fact 49. I pointed out he was only 6 years younger than my mother. That shut the fucker up.

Dates gone on with men off it: c. 15
Romantic action: 6
Friends made: 3

www.dating.telegraph.co.uk

Like the Guardian, but more tweed than tofu.

www.uk.personals.yahoo.com

This nearly works. But it doesn't quite yet. What's good about it is that it's far less stalker-y than the other sites: you can't see who's looked at your profile or when someone last logged in. You also have to enter a security code to send a reply, and you can't delete a message without sending a 'courtesy reply'. I like that, because it encourages people to be well-mannered and that's always a nice thing.

But ... and this is the big but. It's great it loads of ways and should work brilliantly; it's just the quality of totty on it ain't all that. I had a couple of interesting emails but on the whole it's 'HI BABE YOUR PROFILE CAUGHT MY EYE WE'VE GOT A LOAD IN COMMON' (no we haven't), and one man asked me if I liked llamas for the simple reason that, well, he bred llamas. No word of a lie, as they say in Peckham.

It also lacks a bit of charm; it's almost too professional, slick and American. And let's face it, we're used to things being a bit shit in Britain, so that's a bit frightening.

www.match.com

Oh how I wish I could say I hated it. But I don't - for the simple reason that there are loads and loads and loads of people on it (and I've just met someone amazing on it - proper amazing, not 'not a twat' amazing), and it's quite a laugh to use. The fact is that however flash/charming/fun to use a site is, unless the people are on it, there's no point.

If you're new to internet dating, join Match.com. It's safe and friendly and easy to use and - well, there's a load of people on it. And that, my friends, is the point of it all.

One thing: they don't take Switch. How spazzy is that. I had to borrow a mate's Visa card to join. What a pain.

Dates gone on (in the old days when I had a Visa card): 10
Romantic action: 4
Number of men met who whisked me off to suite in Covent Garden Hotel, showered me with delightful presents then disappeared: 1
Friends made: 1 (very high quality one)
Really lovely new people just met: 1

www.udate.com

Is it just me, or is everyone on Udate really minging? Has one of those online chat facilities but all the men on it try and make you go to msn so they can tell you what they want to do to you. But the main thing about it is that (unless I'm totally imagining it) all the men on it are really pikey. Apart from one posh bloke who I think is in to S&M. I think it's owned by Match.com, so it's sort of like their slightly common cousin from Luton.

I hate the design of it too. I think it's designed for pikeys who want a quick fumble in a hotel in Swanage, if I'm honest.

Dates gone on: 3
Romantic action: 1 (about 5 years ago before it was really pikey)
Men met who look nothing like their picture and dribble: 1
Friends made: 1/2 a one, vaguely

www.loveandfriends.com

Kind of nice and cuddly. Quite thoughtful. Fewer idiots. Fewer writers and stuff and more accountants, which is fine, but you get my point. My best mate (ex-Online Dating Rejector) met her boyfriend on it and neither of them are cuddly. Or nice, come to think of it. Still, I like them, and they've just moved in with each other after a year.

I love the profile tool. It asks you questions that are nice to answer and might actually say something about you. There's something about it that's a bit tatty though, which I really like; it's a nice contrast to match.com. There's something about loveandfriends that I really like; it's a bit Heath Robinson, and very British - which makes it very charming. You get the feeling that most people on it are probably quite straightforward and nice. A good one to join if you're a bit older, i.e. over 35. Like me.

Dates gone on: 6
Romantic action: 0
Friends made: 1

www.datingdirect.com
For some reason dating direct really annoys me with its mean little text boxes and horrible purple and pink. It's mean-minded, somehow. You get hardly any space to write a profile; the pictures are hard to see; it's got really limited functionality and it's just no fun. If Match.com's advertising campaign does one thing to make me happy, it'll be to get them more members so that Dating Bloody Direct can't bang on (in their terrible Tube card ads) about how they're the UK's number 1 dating site. Oh just piss off. All of you. Now.

Dates gone on: 3
Romantic action: 0
Number of alcoholics met who pretended to be interested then got off with similarly alcoholic ex-best friend in France, then kept sending me unsigned cheques: 1
Friends made: 1 (very high quality)

www.sexintheuk.com

This is a weird place. I should have guessed from the title. It's loads of people looking for a last-minute shag, or 'erotic chat', or housewives from Birmingham (and their husbands) looking for a "3-sum". What's disconcerting is the chat facility: you don't put a picture of your face up, you put a picture of your knob up. If you are logged on for more than 2 seconds someone will try and chat with you. Usually goes like this:

Hi babe wanna chat?
No thanks, busy
Cum on you feeling horny?
Er, no, I'm watching Coronation Street
Do you wanna be spanked?
Er, no
Cum on babe u and me let's have fun
Etc.

It's absolutely fascinating - not because I find it titillating, because I don't, but because people are extraordinarily honest. I've had conversations with dwarves who like spanking, civil servants who like shagging women over size 26 and numerous obviously unemployed illiterates from Newcastle.

The day I thought I could never go on again was when a 66 year old man who looked like Father Christmas offered me "full nine inches", followed by an absolutely delightful 54 year old man who was obviously in the wrong place. I re-directed him to dating.telegraph.co.uk.

www.nomorefrogs.com

Impossible to use, and absolute rubbish. I have no idea what's going on.

Internet Dating: Can I Expect A Good ROI?

2006-04-18T14:08:00.000+01:00

The best things in life aren't free. This short piece may give you some idea of what ROI (Return On Investment, not Republic of Ireland - do keep up at the back) you can expect from your internet dating site membership fees, and includes a possible way of re-couping your hard-earned cash. Especially if you're still sitting alone one the sofa chainsmoking and watching out-takes of 'Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps' on a Tuesday evening.

I first tried internet dating in 1999. Of the seven years that have since elapsed, I would estimate that I have been 'active' for 3 years. (Not continuous years; bits of years put together to make three, interspersed with long periods of gainful employment, boyfriends, friends, incipient insanity, and generally trying to do things that are constructive). The maths works out a little like this:

£40 (2 x £20 pcm) x 12 x 3 = £1,440

For this investment, I have acquired:

4 x boyfriends + 5 x very good friends = 9 x gentlemen

£1,400 : 9 = £160 per head.

Here's how you can recoup your cash. If someone you meet online and like but don't fancy (or vice-versa, or by mutual agreement) meets a friend of yours and they 'get it on', you could consider charging commission. I would suggest 25%, which would mean a total possible refund of £40 per head, and would cover:

- cost of membership of site;
- emotional energy (time + energy + mild disappointment)

You could of course just thank the Sweet Lord of Internet Dating for the fact that this is how people people actually do meet: it's just a series of weird coincidences, and if Karma exists, they'll return the favour.

On the other hand, you could just stick with it. After all, you only need to get it right once.

Why Datingmonkey Must Exist to Dispense Advice

2006-04-09T13:22:00.000+01:00

There's zillions of people trying to find love on the line, but can you find any advice written by people who actually do it? No you cannot. If you want you can get advice from the following places:

1. Books like 'The Rules for Internet Dating' which should, in my view, be burnt on the Pyre of Righteousness;

2. Books like 'How to Find Love Online and Win!', written by people called Dr Steven J Hoffenburger;

3. Very boring articles in magazines and newspapers written by people who have never even looked at an internet dating site, let alone posted a profile and gone on a date;

4. Blogs written by 24 year old girls in Ohio about their experiences ("He was just so cute, but I was kinda confused when he mentioned poetry!!!!!!", etc);

5. Blogs written by 35 year old men for other 35 year old men who have no friends and would explode attractive woman looked at them;

6. Po-faced but sensible advice written on the sites themselves, which are good reminders about safety but don't tell you much else.

I'm not saying I know much about anything, but I've had a pop. I'm a lady, so this is written from a lady's perspective, but as I reckon men and women are mostly the same (apart from skirts and stuff), a lot of it'll make sense if you're a man. In fact, if you're a man and you'd like to add something, I'd like to hear from you. (Not in That Way, unless you're over 6ft and like monkeys.)

In conclusion: I've met a load of fantastic people, and some people so awful they're funny. Has it worked? Well, I'm not shacked up with anyone, but I've made some very good friends and had a laugh. And as a friend of mine once said, "you only have to get it right once." And if I'm doing it, then someone like me's probably doing it too. That's how it works. And no, it's not weird anymore.

Good and Bad Things About Internet Dating

2006-04-09T11:08:00.000+01:00

Internet dating is good. Sometimes, it can be boring, which is bad. It can be hard work.

Mainly, though, it is entertaining. Oh yes.

You see, all you do is turn on your computer, press some buttons, sometimes pay a bit of money, and there, within reach, are millions and millions of ladies and gentlemen for you to look at and choose from. Sometimes they even choose you. Even if you don't want them to.

Anyway. Some obviously random good and bad things about internet dating:

GOOD THINGS ABOUT INTERNET DATING:

Can do it when naked and eating biscuits and/or cake.

Can do it when there's nothing else to do.

Can do it if you need brief sense that you are not a minger and/or loser

You get to go on dates with some people who turn into stories

You get to go on dates with people whose name you forget immediately, but you might meet them in a nice pub you don't
know of that you can then go to with people you actually like

You get to go on dates with people so awful they make you dribble

You get to go on dates with interesting people who turn into friends

If you want it, you can get random meaningless shags with people you wouldn't normally talk to

It's like a great big sweet shop full of men that you can pick from and maybe marry

It allows you to construct elaborate fantasies about being a farmer's wife

People you don't know send you pictures of their cock, which is always entertaining

People you don't know tell you all their secrets and they are BAD

Sometimes you meet someone and you actually have a relationship and sometimes they even work out

You realise some people are nice

And that some people should be shot

But mainly, it's a laugh. And you never know.

BAD THINGS ABOUT INTERNET DATING

People sending you pictures of their (unattractive) cocks

Emails that go: "Hi, you look hott. Can I cum on your face?" (No. Now fuck off.)

Emails that go: "I am looking for FUN and then possibly MARRIAGE with the right lade" (Oh.)

Thinking someone sounds good, then they tell you they like playing a round of golf with the boys on a Saturday morning
Meeting someone who, in the flesh, does not match their pictures/emails, because they are a) ugly b) twats

It costs a bit of money (or a lot of money if you're signed up on lots of sites - watch out for the 'automatic renewal' box - and DON'T say yes, unless you're sure you like the site)

You can search for 2 hours (only if nothing else to do and/or drunk) and see only people whose name you wouldn't have remembered at university

Photographs of men leaning on their car

Photographs of men with the woman also in the picture SCRUBBED OUT WITH A PIN

Photographs of men with someone else's baby

Men who are separated. They are not divorced. They have issues. Avoid.

Backache

Headache

RSI

Detoriating eyesight

The almost constant reminder that most people can't spell

And are ugly.

Some Types of Gentlemen And Their Profiles

2006-04-07T17:39:00.000+01:00

As you embark upon your search for Digi-Love, you will find that gentleman callers on the line can be classified into what I like to call Types.

They are, broadly, thus:

TYPE ONE: BIG FAT SHOW OFF

Subsections:

a) Mr Businessman;
b) Intellectual Freakshow;
c) The Nearly Published.

1a) Mr Businessman

These people always use pictures taken for their online corporate manual. They say things like:

"Equipped with an MBA, and following a successful term at Harvard Business School, I nevertheless find the challenge of running our leading international team of coffee futures consultants a challenging and rewarding task. But it's not all work and no play - that would make Jack a very dull boy indeed! I have a number of interests, all of which I excel at - partly because I am a stranger to failure. I travel a lot being important. I am looking for a feminine woman who takes care of herself and likes to be treated well. My interests include scuba diving and rugby'.

They are always over 6ft, clean shaven, and are proud of the fact that they can park their Porsche (which they describe as 'a magnificent piece of engineering') next to the other Porsches in the company car park.

If you are a bit of an idiot but can read enough to remember bits out of the Economist and nod now and then, you will like these sorts of people. Do not under any circumstances expect them to have a point of view about books and things, but do be prepared for them to take a keen interest in how you are turned out, and hope they don't buy you underwear (they think red crotchless 'panties' are 'foxy and great fun'). On your first date they will take you to a slightly over-lit and over-designed bar somewhere rubbish like Broadgate and talk about themselves. Tell them you like their suit, borrow £20 for a cab home, and leave.

1b) Intellectual Freakshow

These ones have headlines on their profiles that quote stuff you've never heard of, in the hope that they will meet a similarly intellectual person that they can talk at. 'Dostoevsky seeks Idiot' would be funny, so they wouldn't do that. They also wouldn't be obvious, like "Buck seeks Molly" for example. They will go for some minor character in some really rubbish Chekhov play (a servant or something), and do a 'seeks' with someone that the character refers to once in Act 2 Scene IV. They don't realise that even really clever people like for e.g. Nancy Mitford and Molesworth. These people are a bit like Charles Tansley in To The Lighthouse (which they say they've read, but they've only read the first section).

They never have any money, smoke roll-ups, never buy dinner and think it's OK to go to a rubbish pub on the South Bank somewhere and buy you beer, hoping that their conversation will be adequate compensation for the fact that they don't know how to treat a lady nice, probably because they went to a minor public school in the middle of a field in Dorset and aren't sure what to do with ladies, further proven by the fact that they are always really rubbish in bed. They think they're being sensitive and stare moistly into your eyes a lot muttering snatches of Rumanian poetry sort of panting a bit. This will make you feel a bit sick. They dress with elaborate care, which means they often look like tramps. They smell like hamsters.

You might like them if you are doing an MA at Birkbeck in Literary Jurisprudence and are still wearing the glasses you got when you did your first degree. If you are these, and also a virgin, and Rumanian, that would be good.

1c) The Nearly Published

"I am currently working on two screenplays, one of which has been well-received by a number of literary agents, and have recently had a show at the Edinburgh Fringe. Next summer we go into production on my short film, based on the poetry of Emily Dickinson and shot in car parks in Swansea'.

What this actually means is: "I used to work in advertising, but always hated myself for it. So at weekends I wrote until my little fingers bled and now, to hang on to my last vestige of self-respect, I am re-branding myself as an artist'. They wear fancy schmancy spectacles they don't really need because they think it makes them look clever, and live in painfully self-conscious flats in North London.

You will really like these types of people if you too work in advertising, or if you write a lot of poetry that you enter into competitions that you never win, apart from that one you entered on the internet that cost you £10 and for which you received a medal and certificate. If you did a lot of acting when you were doing your English degree at Reading, you may also like these types. Or type 1b. You choose.

TYPE TWO: DANGEROUS SPORT BOY

This one's easy. The more extreme the sport, and the more they do, the more boring they are. For e.g:

1 x scuba diving COULD = interested in the beauty of the underwater world. (Or likes wearing rubber.)
Scuba diving + mountaineering = keen outdoors type, possibly goes on long holidays
Scuba diving + mountaineering + trekking in Himalayas = keen outdoors type, definitely goes on long holidays
Scuba diving + mountaineering + trekking + abseiling = away a lot
Scuba diving + mountaineering + trekking + abseiling + flying planes = too much money, not much sense, away a lot
Scuba diving + mountaineering + trekking + abseiling + flying planes + polar exploration = Ranulph Fiennes and/or will die soon.

You will like these boys if you were still playing netball in the sixth form and know how to put up a tent. You won't be able to see their face in their profile because they only ever include photographs of themselves as tiny dots in a blue sky/completely covered in ski gear/in a scubadiving outfit.

TYPE THREE: PETER PAN

These ones are usually 38 but dress like they're 26 and live in Shoreditch. They think they're cool because they watch Nathan Barley and get all the jokes. They haven't quite realised that Shoreditch stopped being cool 5 years ago. They also haven't realised that 'cool' isn't cool anymore. So saying, their jobs sound cooler than they are. They are one of the following: advertising 'creatives' (i.e., take other peoples' ideas, make them a bit shit, then sell them to unsuspecting clients); 'Designer', meaning web designer working at at home; 'work in the music business', meaning work in a sound studio.

You will like these people if you are 25 and easily impressed.

TYPE FOUR: THE FOREIGN GENTLEMAN

Total genius.

"Hello ladies I am GIOVANNI new to London loking for fun with prety and kind ladies. So I like the animals, and also to hold hands. if you would like to meet for some sexy fun you contact me? So we start like friends, then we developp. Look forward to seeing you."

What is so sad is that a lot of them are breathtakingly handsome, with 10 PHds.

TYPE FIVE: THE ECO-WARRIOR

Keen on the Guardian, but probably reads it online because of the terrible waste of paper. Not that much between this one and the Intellectual Freakshow, if I'm honest, but these people may well have spent times in trees and wear matted jerseys that blend in with their hair.

"There is nothing more beautiful than being at Stonehenge when the sun is coming up. I believe in watching my eco-footprint and I believe that even vegetables have souls. I am looking for a free spirit, happy to walk bare-footed through life with me, occasionally stopping to drink some home-pressed cider and make a tofu bake. I work as a care assistant in the NHS but in the summer spend my time at festivals. You'll find me by the rainbow flag trying to touch the sun!!!"

Oddly, most of these people live in council flats in Peckham. Good luck to 'em, I say. You will like them if you believe in crystals, Nick Drake, recycling, bicycling, and not washing that much.

TYPE SIX: THE NICE GUY

It's 60% of the men out there. Swear to you. They all look exactly the same. They live in places like High Wycombe or Merton or just outside Swindon. They have a company car (it's a 3-series BMW, and they love it), and they are just really nice, really ordinary people with no psychological problems, lots of good mates they seem to spend all their time on stag weekends with, and a good line in short-sleeved shirts that they wear outside their trousers. They have no facial hair and make sure they have a trim once a month. Their socks match, and their houses are clean. They should really have married Jackie from the 6th form but she moved to London and it's a bit late - she works in the media now and he always feels that she's laughing at him a bit.

I wish I wanted to be with a man like this, but I fear I would kill myself within the year. You will like them if you spend a lot of time emailing people on Friends Reunited and if you really, really want to settle down and have kids.

Stories About Bad Internet Dates

2006-04-02T19:38:00.000+01:00

Not much else to say, really...

THE MAN WHO LOOKED LIKE A SLUG WITH A PIN FOR A HEAD

So la la, I think, I'm bored, just been chucked, feel a bit rubbish. Here is a man who seems quite clever and that, but more importantly is gasping with desperation to meet me. I'm not that interested, as it goes. 'What are you doing at the weekend?', he says. "Nothing much, just going to see Rachel Whiteread at the Tate", say I. (Yes, I know, sorry.) "Can I come?", he says. "Yeah, OK", say I. Nothing to lose, and all.

Anyway, I wake up that morning and think I can't be arsed, but then the old YOU JUST NEVER KNOW thing kicks in, so I drag myself onto the bus, sit on it, stare out of the window, etc. Get off, walk to the Tate. Weirdly, bump into the boyfriend of a good friend of mine. He says, Paul's in the shop, go and see if you can find him. I say, I'm meeting someone. I think: what if he's dire? Best not risk it.

Anyroad up, eventually find meeting spot. Then this thing lumbers into view. God, it's like the caterpillar with the hookah pipe in Alice in Wonderland, but with a tiny tiny head. I want to run away. He follows me around, mute, whilst I whisk round whatever's on. He likes something to do with Rousseau, I think, and a tiger. God. We go and have tea. I am hoping he will suggest drink. We sit on the outside bit of the members' bar and look at the dying light. And drink tea. And say nothing.

Me: Well, not saying much are we?
Him: I like the companionable silence.
Me: Oh.

I take photos of the dying light. They came out OK.

Then I send a text to myself. And then I go: I have to go into work. Lovely to meet you. Then 2 days later he emails saying, I had a great time, great to meet you. I email back saying, yes lovely, but I'm not sure we're going to get married. He emails straight back: GOD WHY IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THIS WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST FIND EACH OTHER AND BE FRIENDS.

Because you are a mute slug with a pin for a head.

THE MAN WITH THE STEERING WHEEL

Andy. That was his name. We went to a bar. He walked in with his steering wheel. What is that, I said. I don't want anyone to steal my baby, he said, pointing at a frosted purple Lotus Elise. Then he got stuck trying to get into the car when he left. I saw it. And I laughed.

THE MOST BORING MAN IN THE WORLD

We went on a date. I spent all night drawing faces on empty pistachio shells, so they looked like a swarm of kindly mice. Then I photographed them. For ages. He didn't notice. Then he went home.

THE SMALLEST GOLFER IN THE WORLD

Lots of emails.He liked golf. I turned up. He was tiny, and like a doll. He'd made out he was big, like a giant. We had a weird conversation. Then I left.

OTHER UNFORTUNATE INCIDENTS

The very tall Canadian with no hair like Lurch, but thinner, who never called me back.

Surbiton.

The man whose family suddenly became ill. All of them.

And the other one. The photographer. All of them? Ill? After he met me? Really?

The bloke I was at university with and didn't remember until I met him again, and by Christ, there's a reason why we hadn't been friends back then

The man with the online stationery store.

The Daily Mail journalist with the mouth in the Persian restaurant.

The man who took me off to a suite at the Covent Garden hotel, showered me with delightful presents, phoned me up every day for 3 weeks, then disappeared. Literally.

The man who sent me an email arranging to meet, but accidentally emailed all his internet laydeez at the same time. How we laughed.

The man who I told to piss off, so he assumed an entirely different online identity, and tried again.

The man who texted me thanking me for the really great night the night before (when I hadn't seen him for a week), then tried to pretend that texts could be sent by accident. He proved his point further by sending me a text in Spanish ("but I can't speak Spanish!").

The beautiful boy from Bristol who introduced me to his completely insane friend, setting off a chain of utterly bizarre events that culminated in a year-long attempt to launch a disposable golf tee, a fight in a bar in France, a fight at my birthday party, a sheepskin rug, a a fight in a car park in Cardiff, a near nervous breakdown, my ex-best friend and a blowjob in a conservatory in Devon

The confidence trickster who took up a half-joking invitation to France, shagged my ex-best friend in an orchard, drank my house dry, and encouraged my (alcoholic) ex-best friend to drink when I'd told him to stop. (They now live together, by the way, and yes, she still is my ex-best friend)

The bad novelist

The enormously tall and fat man who collected Jack Vettriano prints and told me he wanted me to bite his balls

The barman at the Electric

The therapist with bipolar disorder.

THE MEN WHO DIDN'T LIKE ME AT ALL AND MADE IT REALLY QUITE OBVIOUS

I hate these ones because even if you're not that interested ... well, you know.

1. Coffee at the Tate. He was quite attractive. We obviously had nothing in common. We left.

2. Furious obsessive gorgeous emails. We met. He ate noodles. I watched. We had one drink. He pretended he needed to pick his car up from the car pound, and left.

3. Funny, clever emails. We met. We had 3 drinks. He obviously thought I was an idiot. I thought he was dull. We left.

4. Beautiful man. Long evening. Very tall. Kissed. Got home. Found out he'd emailed my best mate (also on the online) ooh, about 4 minutes after he'd got home. From being out with me.

5. Drink at my local. He looked at me as if I were mad. We left.

Online Dating Isn't Weird Anymore

2006-04-01T21:02:00.000+01:00

It just isn't. That's it really. The books and the magazines and the papers can make out it's new and weird and stuff, but it isn't.

Even old people think it's normal, but that's because they think the whole of the online is weird. So for them, internet dating just another bit of weirdness in an already weird thing, and old people, once they're old, are past caring if something's weird or not anyway. They're also really good at being plucky and learning new things, so they're just really proud that they've mastered the technology. They make their grandchildren do silent gagging gestures when they tell them they're meeting Frank (68) for a G&T at the Old Hind's Head on the High Street at the weekend and that they're really excited about it. When they show their grandchildren Frank's profile, the grandchildren actually do throw up, to cries of 'Oh GRAN!'.

Young people as young as 8 have BlackBerries, communicate by texting videos of themselves to each other when they're sitting next to each other in the back of Chemistry on Wednesday afternoons, and get all their course work off the online from a bloke in Utah for a small fee, so they don't care either. In fact the idea of meeting someone and actually talking to them just seems odd.

The people who are still a bit confused are the people in the middle who can remember when email was a thing that people in the Chemistry department at university used to send messages to people in the Physics department. When they started work in 1991, people still wrote memos and were proud to have regular access to a fax machine. They probably didn't get email until they were about 26, so are still, 10 years later, a bit impressed by the super-magic of the internationalsuperhighwaynet. These ones grit their teeth a bit when they admit to doing online dating, but if you ask me it's more the admission that they've got a job, a flat, a car, a 12" Powerbook and loads of friends who aren't weird, but haven't managed to get themselves shacked up, not the fact they're using the internet to do it. Or that's what I tell myself, anyway.

Stories About Good Internet Dates

2006-04-01T19:29:00.000+01:00

These follow the same pattern, with two possible conclusions.

1. See man on the line OR man sees you.
2. Like look of each other.
3. Note with interest that object of interest writes well, and is funny (therefore is clever).
4. Exchange some emails.
5. Decide to talk on phone.
6. Talk on phone.
7. Still like each other.
8. Decide to meet.
9. Meet.

THEN:

Find self surprised that person is in flesh as attractive as you had thought, or more so. (They are never quite as you expect them to be.) Spend evening together (or whatever it is you fancy doing). Get on well. Have very good time. Thank the Lord for the gift of the internationsuperhighwaynet. Exchange Awful Date Stories. Discover probably know someone the other knows. Kiss, or something. See each other again. Keep having nice time. Kiss again. Etc. Repeat*. OR don't do the kissing part, but keep in touch as like each other a lot. Become very good friends.** That's it really.

* then you get into Relationship Land, and then whatever rules you normally apply apply. One tip here: if you find the rules you usually apply never work (e.g. sleeping with them on first date, introducing them to your colleagues on 3rd date, suggesting third date is Taking In A Show Up West and Then A Bite To Eat At A Top London Eaterie), do the EXACT opposite of what you usually do, as an experiment. You'll be married before the year is up.

** I met two of my favourite people in the world through online dates. But here's how this works: the second one is now going out with another very good friend of mine, and the first one is going out with someone he met at the party of my best friend's boyfriend, who she met online. See? It works.

There's another way, too. Sometimes - for lots of reasons, a good one being that they have left the country for 3 months, which is something that has only very recently happened to me - you actually get involved in a good old-fashioned correspondence with someone interesting. You write each other letters. You look forward to their emails because they're interesting, funny, silly, sad, informative. Just plain well-written. And you do actually get to know each other a bit. You have to try and avoid getting romantic notions because there's that old chemistry thing that happens (or doesn't) when you meet, but this is one of the reasons why I like dating on the line so much. My only caveat here is that if they are in the country, and less than 100 miles away, there's really no good reason to correspond for that long without meeting. But if you come across someone who then goes a long, long way away a couple of days after you've started emailing each other and you both like writing: lucky you. (By the way, the conclusion to my 3 month story is that I've met him, and yes, he's a top bloke, and kind of like I thought he'd be.)

There aren't really any good stories here. Because they end well. Dull, isn't it?

Frequently Asked Internet Dating Etiquette Questions

2006-04-01T12:21:00.000+01:00

Here are some situations that come up the whole time, so here's what I'd do in the same situation. The advantage of the online is anonymity, but I think you should behave as you would in 'real' life. That's not to say there isn't scope to be extravagantly rude if someone's going ON and ON ...

"I'm meeting someone next week but he won't tell me what his surname is or give me his mobile number."

Good Lord, why not? It's quite simple: either he does, or you don't meet him. What's he got to hide? A wife and 3 children?

I have met someone and I think he's absolutely amazing. I think he might be The One. Should I tell him?

Are you actually, literally, mad?

"Someone has sent me an email but I don't like the look of them. They sound sweet, and have put a lot of effort in. Do I ignore them?"

No. Email them back, thank them for writing, say you're not sure that you're compatible, and wish them luck.

"I emailed someone telling him I wasn't interested twice, and he keeps emailing me."

Ignore him. If it keeps going on, block him.

"A man sent me a picture of his cock and I didn't want him to."

Block him. End of. Unless you like the look of his cock. But that's up to you. Someone sent me a Powerpoint presentation once of 12 pictures of their knob, from 'resting' to - well ... anyway, I have nerves of steel so I just thought it was funny, but if you DON'T think this kind of thing is funny, and if they haven't asked you if you want to see pictures of their knob, then block them and report them to the site. Sounds a bit harsh, but if something makes you feel weird, then don't put up with it.

"I went on a date with someone who was OK, but I don't really want to see them again - not even as friends. I've got enough of those, and I didn't fancy him."

Email him the next morning thanking him for a nice evening, say you don't think you're compatible but that you enjoyed meeting him, and wish him luck.

"I went on a date with someone. It went well. He said he wanted to see me again, but it's been a week and I haven't heard from him."

He doesn't want to see you again, does he? People often say stuff like "we really must do this again!" because it's easier than saying, "Well, thanks for spending the evening with me, but on balance, and having listened to what you have to say, and having seen you in real life, I don't think I'm really interested." Only be pissed off if you paid for all the drinks or travelled a long way. Otherwise, put it down to experience and go on a date with someone else. And no, there's nothing wrong with you. Unless of course this happens every single time.

(I really can't fathom why people do this. Just sending a simple email the next morning is good manners, reasonable, and nothing to be frightened of doing. You're going to piss someone off much more by letting them think they're going to see you again. The only good thing about this is that I automatically dismiss people like this as lily-livered cockmonkeys. No, I'm not bitter.)

I have been on 8 dates with someone who I really like and we talk and email every day. We get on really well but he hasn't kissed me and I don't think that he's interested in me in that way. Should I ask him?

Bit of a tricky one this. If you get on that well and have seen each other that much, I think it's probably reasonable (bearing in mind the fact you met on a site about meeting someone for Womance) to ask. Not in a stalkery way, but in a nice, straightforward way.

There's a (very small) chance that he might be waiting for you to make the first move. There's an outside chance that he's been burnt badly and doesn't want to rush into anything. There's a tiny, tiny chance that he's in love with you for your mind. It's vaguely possible that he might be freaked out by womantic relationships, but if that's the case, have you really go the energy to deal with that?

You know what, after 36.5 years, numerous relationships, and loads and loads of dates, I know one thing and one thing only: if someone likes you, and you like them, you just end up kissing anyway. You can wait and wait to find out with this one, but it doesn't sound like you're going to be more than friends. But know what? Friends is really good. And isn't it fab that you met on the online? What you shouldn't do, though, is spend hours dissecting it with your friends. Just ask him. The evidence is there, if you ask me, but get it from the horse's mouth and move on, having met a new and lovely pal.

And anyway, as my Mum always says, he might have a brother.

I've been on a few dates with someone and we've slept with each other. I haven't heard from him for a week or so. Should I call him?

Well, assuming he's not in hospital, or there hasn't been a death in the family - you haven't heard from him for over a week, so he's obviously not that interested. If you want to call him to hear that from his tone of voice, go right ahead. Alternatively, you could keep your dignity, shout NEXT! and go on a date with someone else.

Datingmonkey's Internet Dating Advice

2006-03-24T18:08:00.000Z

Worried about how to write your profile? Anxious about showing your best side in your photograph? Not sure what to do when someone attaches a picture of their cock to an email? Want to know if she thinks her cats are babies?

Worry no more. For I, Datingmonkey, am here to answer all your internet dating questions, big or small. Send them in. Replies guaranteed.

Dear Datingmonkey
I've been emailing someone who sounds really nice. We've got a lot in common (we both like snuggling up on the sofa with a DVD and a bottle of red wine), and he, like me, is a real glass half full person who also lives life to the full.
The thing is yesterday he sent me an email with a picture of his 'erect penis' attached. What should I do?
Yours,
Concerned of High Wycombe

Dear Concerned
I am afraid I couldn't possibly comment until I've seen the pic. Could you send it in?
Thanks -
DM x

Hey there, Datingmonkey!
Wassup? I like dwarves. Can I find love online?
Cheers
Jason K, East Grinstead

Wassup Jason!
Yes.
Enjoy.
Datingmonkey

Dear Datingmonkey
I literally can't fucking understand why all the women I write to online ignore me. It's quite fucking obvious that I'm good looking - and what MORE evidence do these women need that I'm successful other than my '£250,000+' wage bracket and Porsche? I've lived abroad for some years and have a house in Provence for weekends away. Either they're all blind, or society's gone mad.
What am I doing wrong?
Cheers
Miles, Knightsbridge

Dear Miles
Thanks for your letter. Sorry to hear you're finding the search for that special someone so challenging.
What are you doing wrong? You're a twat.
Hope that helps.
Best
DM

Dear Datingmonkey,
Do you have a problem with excessive body hair? And is that why you are called Datingmonkey and do a lot of online dating?
Yours,
JL, Hampstead

Dear JL
Thank you for your enquiry. The answer is that after many years of trying, I have - more or less - got my excess body hair problems under control. I am called Datingmonkey because I am, and I am doing online dating because I can.
All good wishes,
Datingmonkey

Dear Datingmonkey
I have been reading your blog and you sound like that fucking woman who went on and on about poetry and 'forgot her purse'. Is that you?
Mark, Brighton

Dear Mark
Good to hear from you after all this time. Can I have my keys back?
Datingmonkey

Dear Dating Monkey,
Greetings from IT Support!! I'm Marc (with a C mind!) from sunny Surrey earning an honest crust fixing peoples' computers - I can't say where but let's just say I can see Canary blummin Wharf from my window!! I have been single for some time and need your advice - basically my job and my hobbies (anything Star Trek/Wars and Robot Making/Wars related) seems to put the laydees off - that and perhaps my acne. Any advice for 'spicing' up my profile? Pic or no pic?
Yours hopefully!!!!
MarC Apsall

Dear MarC
First of all, may I congratulate you on your name. It suggests continental mystery, and a certain facility with a bottle opener - a good start in anyone's books. Second of all, some basic advice: go to the doctor, or buy some Clearasil.

I can see that your interests might seem that you are - how can I put this? - a little 'unusual'. I can also imagine how difficult it must be to meet ladies: during the day, they see you merely as 'IT" (a tip here: do introduce yourself before you get on your knees under their desk to plug their computer back in); at night and in your other 'free time', you are probably mixing with other men a little like you, and perhaps some ladies that are indistinguishable from the gentlemen.

However, the great joy of the online is that it can access - as you will know only too well - millions and millions of ladies. There is no doubt in my mind that there is someone out there who you can cuddle up to on the sofa with over a game of Star Wars Top Trumps.

My simple tip, dear MarC, is to be honest in your profile. Explain your interests. Put them out there for the world to see. Be yourself. And yes - always a photograph. Of your newly blemish-free, smiling face turning towards the world, ready to meet the woman of your dreams - perhaps brandishing a Light Sabre for that added spice?

In the meantime, I have done a little research for you. Unfortunately the link I found is enormous and seems to do something awful to my formatting, but if you type 'Star Wars Dating Advice' into Google, you will find a link to a super little page that uses Chewbacca and his friends as the basis for what I can only describe as very sound dating advice. I would also suggest Match.Com (much to my distress), which seems the site most likely to provide you with the woman of your dreams.

Good luck, and do let me know how you get on.

May the force be with you!

Datingmonkey

Dear Datingmonkey
I've put a photo of myself on Guardiansoulmates that was taken about five years ago. I've put on quite a lot of weight since then. I don't look that bad but I think that it might optimistic to describe myself as 'average'. 'Porky' is more accurate, I think, but I can't choose that option, and 'a few extra pounds' suggests that if I don't wash every day, I might get bad smells caught in folds. What should I do?
Look forward to hearing from you.
Jackie, Braintree

Dear Jackie
Thanks for your question. It's a difficult one. I have not been blessed with the best of figures but am, as the years pass, becoming accustomed to it knowing, as I do, that if I cared that much, I'd be thinner. Anyway, here's the thing. There's no point in lying about the way you look because you may meet them and unless they are blind, or wearing a very big hat in the dark, they are going to see exactly what you look like. You could either stop doing internet dating until you're OK with a photo of yourself taken in the last 3 months, or you could just be honest about it and maybe describe yourself a bit more in your profile. For example if you are tubby round the middle, but have lovely legs, you could say that. Also don't forget that not all men like slim ladies (although most do). Don't get cross about it, be honest, and you'll be surprised at what happens. And best of all there are some men (more than you would think) who either don't care, or quite like it. The most handsome man I have ever met in my life liked me although I am quite the porker. So, be honest, or join Weight Watchers. That's my advice.
Good luck!
Datingmonkey

Dear Datingmonkey
I am 26, blonde, size 8 and quite bright. I've been doing online dating for a week now and every day I receive anything up to 30 emails. 4,321 people have marked me as their 'favourite'. I don't really know what to do. I really do feel that I should reply to them all and say 'thanks but no thanks' as honestly lots of them sound really sweet, but I just don't think we'd have much in common.
Thanks very much.
Josie, Fulham

Dear Josie
My advice? Stop your whining, and get stuck in.
Cheers -
DM

Dear Datingmonkey
I am in the autumn of my life and would like to share what little I have with a lovely lady. I'm not asking for much, just some kindness, patience and good company. I keep a nice house and go on a foreign holiday twice a year, that I would like to share with a special person. Other things the lady might like to know is that I belong to the local Rotary club and enjoy having a pint with my friends on Friday night. I am 64. Do you think it's too late to find love?
Yours sincerely
Jeff, Cheltenham
PS I am quite au fait with the internet since I did a course at the Adult Education Centre, so I am happy to try out internet dating!

Dear Jeff
What a lovely letter to receive. The first thing to say is that I think we are all looking for 'kindness, patience and some good company', and there is no reason why your age should get in the way. I am sure that you will find lots of lovely women who would love to meet you, so my advice is that you try loveandfriends.com or dating.telegraph.co.uk, and see what happens. Give it some time though and make sure you feel really comfortable before you meet. I am sure your instincts are good but I have read recently of a certain lady in the Cheltenham area who is, from what I have gleaned, a little opportunistic. So as I say trust your own obvious good sense, and don't open a joint bank account until you've been married a couple of years.
Good luck Jeff!
Yours,
Datingmonkey

What The Papers and Books Say About Dating On The Line

2006-03-09T10:01:00.000Z

Judging by what goes on in the media and in bookshops and that, you'd think it was still 2001. You know, like it's not that normal to do online dating. I heard a weird stat the other day - something like 1 in 6 adults have tried online dating. Can't be that bloody weird then, can it. So can someone tell me why all journalistic and literary stuff about online dating seems to assume that it's a new phenomenon that you need to have explained to you like you're a halfwit? Examples include:

1. Breathless twenty-something female journo writes truly appalling diary on her online dating adventures in ladymag. Invariably, she is inundated with dates, and has a couple of boring ones, about which she writes with no particular energy, and then, like, has another couple and then stops writing about online dating and starts writing about speed dating. Reason lady has no boyfriend is because she is simply Not That Interesting. I mean if you can't write an interesting piece about online dating, you might as well kill yourself. Lady journalism is usually about how they are surprised at foxiness of men, how they are all normal, how they write well, and how exciting it is to get emails in your inbox and find you are in 30 peoples' 'favourites' list. (No shit!). They also then comment on how pleasant many of their online dates are, and sometimes they have a relationship. Their conclusion is that it is really good fun and worth a go, if they have a generally good experience; if their twattiness is evidenced by their failure to connect with anyone interesting, they describe it as a thing for geeks.

2. Over-excitable male journo in early 30s falls in love via email with mysterious woman. Finds out she is Russian person (not necessarily originally a lady) looking for husband OR finds out she is normal, meets her, and goes out with her. The other option, depending on the sophistication of the magazine for which he writes, is that he comments on the enbonpoint of the laydeez on the line and raises awareness of online dating as a place to get an endless stream of one night stands without making any effort. Whether he has the wherewithal to actually have a one night stand is a moot point.

3. American guides to online dating. Books and on the line. How something that is so much fun, and so entertaining, can become the subject of books so dreary and uninformative is beyond me. You know, "How To Write A Profile And Win!"; LITERAL AND ACTUAL emails you can copy and sort of customise a bit in case you can't think of one yourself; how to take a photograph of yourself; how to approach a woman. Is completely insane and the thought of anyone taking these guides seriously makes me weep with gratitude for being English. These are the literary equivalent of self-help books written by the sort of people who run seminars in hotels in St James's for the terminally confused, for which the terminally confused pay hundreds of pounds.

4. 'The Rules for Online Dating'. You know those evil witch-faced harpies who wrote 'The Rules'? Them. They wrote it. As far as I know 'The Rules' was written for the single New York lady. In summary, the idea is that ladies have to pretend to be soft, feminine, and always busy and unavailable in order to get millionaires begging for a piece of them. You know, you can't return calls within 24 hours, and you have to pretend to be busy every other time he asks you out (whilst you are in fact sitting at home memorising the Rules). This book encourages women to behave like calculating, disingenuous, insincere vixens, whilst pretending to be wide eyed, fluttery, and innocent. The Rules for Online Dating are kind of the same - you know, appear casually interested in emails; don't log on every day; don't reply to emails immediately. Why the fuck not? THAT'S PART OF THE FUN. Plus it implies that at the back of your head is the idea that you are going to Search For A Man (I'm suddenly reminded of that (American) woman who wrote that book on how to find a husband - she recommended that you put aside 30% of your income for manhunting) in a really calculating way. And if you do that, you lose all the magic of it; the idea of chance; the sheer enjoyment of exchanging emails with someone funny and interesting; the whole idea that, well, you might meet someone amazing. Anyone who takes these kind of things sincerely deserves to end up in a cul-de-sac outside Slough with a husband who's a cost controller at Asda Head Office, grateful for the fact that she's married but otherwise regretting every single second of her desperate existence. See? That's what happens if you take witch-faced New Yorkers seriously. (Like Dr Atkins, who I think died fatly and of a massive heart attack, I suspect both these women are now divorced, simply because they are rubbish and you can't make a relationship out of pretending to be someone else.)

5. Chick-lit books about it. Oh just FUCK OFF. If anyone thinks this is the new epistolary novel, they've got another think coming. Badly written tat in a pink cover sold for Â£4.99 in Tesco is badly-written tat in a pink cover, however you look at it. Online dating just provides another source of plot lines strung together by words of no more than 3 syllables, consumed with passion by people who can barely write. Yes, it does piss me off. Had you noticed? I'm partly pissed off because I didn't write that novel myself about 4 years ago, but better.

6. Stuff like this:

You are about to learn secrets that will cause women to leap off your screen and fall into your arms as effortlessly as leaves falling from trees.

Inside you'll learn...

The single best place on the planet to meet women (and how to get the hottest women there to actually seduce YOU).

The biggest mistake men make that will instantly turn her off before she ever talks to you (and you may not even know you're making it).

How to get her to think of you not as a perv trying to get into her pants, but as someone she likes and trusts and wants to meet.

The one item you must have to ensure success with women. (It's more important than toothpaste and flowers.)

No, I'm not giving you the URL. I don't want to give him the traffic.

The Toppest of Top Tips

2006-02-23T23:07:00.000Z

1.2m dates over the last 7 years. 4 boyfriends. 2 nearly boyfriends. 2 very close friends. 10 nearly-boyfriends. 32,123,432 emails. 4,321,221 profiles viewed, some in Lithuania. 2 friends nearly married to people they met on the line. 1 friend loved up with someone else I met on the line. One person I met on the line perfect for another friend of mine, but they haven't met yet. I've seen it all. (Nearly.)

DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY.
Just don't. It's fun. Enjoy it. Meet people. Then behave like a right-minded person. In other words, don't think you're virtually in love after a week of intense emailing. You haven't even started to know them until you've met them at least 5 times.

IF THEY HAVEN'T GOT A PHOTO, SOMETHING'S UP
That's it really.

BE SENSIBLE
Meet them somewhere public. Don't give out your home number or address. Never, ever meet them at home for the first date. Tell your mates what you're doing, and who with. If he won't give you his surname, or if you feel at all weird about it, don't do it. So saying, nothing bad's ever happened to me, unless you count the maggot with the pin head. And lots of very boring evenings.

AVOID SLEEPING WITH THEM ON THE FIRST DATE
Well, don't, but it's sort of sensible, just generally. Obviously I always listen to my own advice.

BE HONEST
Don't lie in your profile. Don't pretend you're thin when you're not, or not mad when you are. Or that you're an air hostess when in fact you work in Barclays in High Wycombe. Just not worth it. And really tiring remembering what you've fibbed about. And anyway, what's the point. If you meet, it'll all come out eventually anyway. These things always do.

DON'T SEE INTERNET DATING AS A WAY TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER
There are a lot of really decent, genuine people who really ARE looking for romance on the line. If you're just spit up with someone and need cheering up, or are having some kind of existential crisis, don't take the piss out of nice people. That's a general rule, come to think of it; what I'm saying, I suppose, is don't look to other people to make you feel better. It's not a salve for your troubled soul: it's other people going about their lives trying to find a partner. (Or a shag, but that's another story - see Guide to Internet Dating Sites).

IF YOU DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, SAY SO
Nothing wrong with that, but don't pretend you're up for something long-term when in fact you fancy a quick rummage down the back of an alley and a few nights having championship drinking races followed by a drunken shag. There are ways of making this clear in your profile: a good one is: "I'm not looking for a relationship, but am interested in making friends and rummaging about down the back of an alley", for example. (Delete as appropriate.)

DON'T PISS ABOUT
If someone emails you, and you're not interested, don't ignore them: write back thanking them for their email, tell them you don't think you're compatible, and wish them luck. If you meet and you're not keen, email the next day and say the same thing - you know, 'it was great to meet you, but I can't see romance on the horizon. Happy to stay in touch, but if not - no worries. Good luck'. Or something. Tailor message as appropriate. And don't be mean (unless they were horrid). In other words, 'your ginger hair makes me feel physically sick' or 'I would no more introduce you to my friends than I would fly to the moon on a back of a winged monkey' would not be appropriate. You get my point.

AVOID DRUNKEN EMAILING
The problem with this is that when you get back a bit pissed after a good evening, having a look at who's emailed you before you fall fully-clothed into your bed seems just the ticket. But then so do kebabs, phoning up exes now happily married to someone else, late night films on Channel 5 and texting everyone you know telling them you love them. Please try not to do it. You will - I promise - regret it in the morning. Put a post-it on your laptop or something.

DON'T BE A STALKER
I really, really hate all those things like 'The Rules'. I think they're a load of absolute cock, designed for the kind of women who haven't got a boyfriend because they're idiots, not because they just haven't met anyone they like. At their heart, they are disingenuous and ask you to behave in a truly revolting, manipulative way. But, for your own sake, after a date, let them contact you. However well the evening went, and however many emails they've sent you, and however keen they've seemed in email, once you met you're in Relationship Land, and in Relationship Land, it's best not to frighten the horses. Once you've met, you have to put the timer back to 0 and start again. And anyway, isn't it more fun when someone phones you up and asks you out again out of the blue?

KNOW WHEN TO GIVE UP
If you've met and haven't heard from them for a week, give up. Time moves differently in Boy Land, but there are limits. Also, bear in mind that if they haven't had the decency to get in touch to even say "thanks, but no thanks", they're probably a knob anyway. And no, you don't need 'closure'; i.e. you DON'T need to send a snitty email saying "I haven't heard from you again so I assume you're not interested". Look at the evidence, my friend. Shout NEXT! and go on a date with someone else.

DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING MORE THAN A GOOD EVENING
If you go to every date hoping to fall immediately in love and be married within 6 months, you are going to be disappointed. You're going out on a date. One date. With someone you haven't met. Just enjoy it. And don't worry about what happens tomorrow. So saying ...

YOU ONLY HAVE TO GET IT RIGHT ONCE
A very wise friend said this to me one night. What he meant was that often it can seem a bit endless and tiresome all this meeting people and it not working out. But one day it will. So you can either stay at home picking your feet and watching the Coronation Street Omnibus, or you can put on clothes you look nice in, and go and have a delicious drink with an interesting sounding person, and just see what happens. You'll meet someone one day. Just enjoy finding them.

Don't Look For Love On The Line If You Are A Bit Mad

2006-02-06T22:54:00.000Z

Listen to me. And listen hard. If you are unbalanced in ANY WAY, do not do it. I don't mean proper la-la-my-cat-is-a-baby mad, I mean unstable. Insecure. A bit shaky on your feet. Your momma didn't love you, or something. That kind of mad. Because you will find online dating addictive, and you will suddenly find yourself caring very much about whether or not Trevor from Milton Keynes (grey plastic shoes and all) has marked you as a favourite.

Put it in context. Usually, you are a fully functional, attractive human being. You move about the world revelling in your own loveliness/friends/life, blah blah blah. But suddenly someone who you would not normally notice in the street doesn't reply to your lazy half-arsed message (sent because no-one else was online), and you're chewing your arm off. Not good. Come on, we all want a decent relationship with another human being of about the same level of decent-ness as us, but to actually take seriously what someone you have NEVER MET thinks? No. Unstable.

OK, so there are times when you are feeling a bit sore. Like no-one will ever love you. That kind of pale grey relentless stuff. And it's cheering when nice boys wave at you on the online. Tell you you're pretty even though you haven't got a picture up. But please don't take it seriously. In fact, if I'm going to be really helpful here, don't take ANYTHING seriously until you've been on at least 5 dates and you've met their friends. Oh, go on, sleep with them on the first date, if you want to. I wouldn't recommend it, but if you really want to, do. But don't believe a word they say until you've seen what they keep under their bed. In fact, a rule for life: don't get attached for two months. At least. (Do as I say. Not as I do.)

I may be wrong. But better safe than sorry. Especially if you sometimes talk to your cat(s) like they're people. In baby voices.

Real Emails I Have Received And That Are Bad

2006-02-05T23:57:00.000Z

Oh! I LOVE this bit!

EXAMPLE 1

Hi, on the girlfriend side of things, I've been seeing someone since September, but the way she has avoided spending two days in a row with me is a concern, as I love and value commitment, plus once before I was two timed by someone, so wonder if history is repeating from her. Online risks slipping to "flaming" harsh online talk one would never do in real life, and you did that to me, but I know if we meet we'd have a grand time, hence my humble quest for a drink with your grace.

[Does anyone know what this email means, at all?]

EXAMPLE 2

"Subject: My Life Is Brilliant

I met an angel, of that I'm sure... mail me!"

[It is no mistake that 'Blunt' rhymes with 'Cunt', as I am sure I am not the first to point out.]

EXAMPLE 3

Hello Pretty.
How are you doing today and i hope everything is Good over there?well i just got accross your profiles on here today and its really caught my intrest cos the way you're looking so attractive and seems you're a princess..That really rouched in my heart and soul that i can't go over without contact you and would really like to get to know you more better and it's would be very nice to meet you this nice beautiful lady.So i would like to know more about you,your family and lot's more..but before i go let me express myself to you in a little way.
Well am steven by name 39 year's old from brooklyn,newyork .Well i love swimming....playing football and tennis....travelling....fishing and so on...i'm a passionate, sensitive and caring man who is not afraid to show his feelings. I'm a very tactile person and would like my date to be the same type of person.So i would like to stop here now and if you really found me intrested or wanna contact me..you kinda send me an email directly to my personal email address.. xxxx and would be looking forward hearing from you.. Have a nice day..
Lot's of love and Blessing's

Holy shit. It seems I am a princess. Excellent!

Oh no. You see what happens is that I want to put loads of emails on this and then I do and then I delete them ... because it's nice people being nice. Oh dear. Maybe I have a heart.