DATINGMONKEY

Hello

2008-02-14T10:32:00.000Z

If it's love you're after, you' ve come to the right place. This superb blog will tell you everything you need to know about internet dating, and may well help you find the lady or gentleman of your dreams. Scroll down the page to get started; if you want more, click on the "Archive of Excellence" down there on the right where you'll find even more spankingly useful information, including Cat And Dog Logic Applied To Internet Dating, Understanding Mens' Dating Profiles, and How To Write An Internet Dating Profile.

Do have fun. And if you've got any questions about superweb love, send 'em in.

Internet Dating Does Work

2008-02-14T03:28:00.008Z

It wasn't internet dating that led me to move from London (England) to Montreal (Canada) in order to be in the loving arms of a self-haircutting French-Canadian veterinary research pathologist; it was my other blog.

But that's another story, and for another day, perhaps when hell freezes over. The point here (if there is one), is that I realised today that eight good friends of mine are in really good 'relationships' (including happily married and/or with children!!!) with someone they met off of the internet (or who I met off of the internet and introduced them to).

In 1905, when I started internet dating, it was still horrifically embarassing, like admitting your ladyparts were malodourous however many fragranced washes you applied, or admitting that you wanted to make sweet love with Jim Davidson or lick raw pork.

Now, however, 87% of Canadian students have had sex online, and people are beginning to realise that it makes more sense to meet someone through internet dating than it does through the traditional means, e.g. in a bar, at the party of someone you think is a cock, or in the office (where, frankly, you would do anything to alleviate the ghastly tedium).

So, do I think internet works? Not that you asked, but I'll give you my opinion anyway: Fuck yeah. And if it doesn't work immediately, just keep going; as my friend Louis says (met through an internet date 6 years ago; now living with another good friend of mine), "you only have to get it right once".

Pip pip!

What Womens' Internet Dating Profile Photographs Actually Mean

2006-08-24T13:39:00.000+01:00

One for the gentlemen. Save time and effort by using this beautiful cut-out-and-keep guide to understanding what those ladies' profile photographs really mean. If you're a lady, a simple but perky click here will take you to the mens' version. Don't say I didn't warn you.

With Cat

38. Wants kids. Now.

Hippy Chick

Very pretty. Lovely figure. Beautiful skin. Does yoga 5 times a week. Talks about Chakras a lot, doesn't drink or smoke, very 'spiritual', has windchimes and a spirit guide. Flat full of stuff from year out in India. Works for a charity. Has annoying lispy voice and bats eyelids a lot.

With Friend At Glastonbury

Works in PR in London. Called Charlotte. Pretends she likes music. Thinks she is cool, but still has the pony Daddy gave her when she was 14.

Short Hair, Ruddy Complexion

Lesbian, but doesn't want to disappoint her mother. Or has ticked the wrong search box.

Self Portrait In Bedroom

Dangerous serial killer. Keeps past dates in the cellar. In a box.

Honest Self Portrait

Likes cake. Has strange things caught in folds.

Partially Clothed

Will invoice you after date. Lives in council flat in Egham. Collects cuddly toys. Chainsmokes Superkings and drinks Malibu and Coke.

Engaged in Outdoor Pursuits

Doesn't shave. An 'enthusiast'. Churchgoer. Very clean.

Engaged in Urban Outdoor Pursuits

Wiry, like a whippet. Dry skin. Sweaty crotch. Has a difficult relationship with food. Thinks kissing is unhygienic. Slaps men on the back. Never wears skirts.

With Friends

You always scan the picture and hope she's the pretty one. She never is.

Supermodel in Domestic Setting

"I the simple lonely girl. I search good for the man for creation of strong family. I have no harmful habits. I like to prepare. Like to knit and embroider. I also love animals, I love a nature. I love good weather and good people. I like to dream slightly."

Trans: I am Russian, looking for husband.

MAKEOVER SHOT

Insecure. And scary. And delusional.

DESCRIBES SELF AS 'BUBBLY AND CURVACEOUS'

Porky, but cheerful.

DESCRIBES SELF AS WEIGHING 'A FEW EXTRA POUNDS'

Really quite fat.

PICTURE OF SELF SOMEWHERE HOT, BACKPACKING

From posh suburb taking year out before going to University. Big teeth. Enthusiastic. Doesn't wash much.

PERKY SELF-PORTRAIT, LOOKING UP AT CAMERA, SHOT IN BEDROOM IN PARENTS' HOUSE

19, very annoying, probably called Nikki. Training to be a hairdresser. Thinks all firemen are 'fit' and harbours dreams of being a 'glamour model'.

PICTURE OF SELF LOOKING WHACKY WITH GAY MALE BEST FRIEND

Deeply insecure, actually quite pretty. Nervous around men. Talks in funny voices the whole time. Drinks too much.

COY LATE 30s

Not a day younger than 45. Husband left her for secretary (called Nikki - see above). Has 'needs'. Drinks too much Chardonnay. Has nails and hair done every week.

WITH HORSE

Enjoys 'outdoor pursuits' and has strong thighs. There are some exceptions to the rule, obviously.

Internet Dating Translation Tool

2006-08-15T09:43:00.000+01:00

I know. Millions of profiles to plough through, and so little time to find the lady or gentleman of your dreams. But what does it all mean? When he says he likes dogs, does he mean he is blind? When she says weighs 'a few extra pounds', does she mean she weighs twenty stone and doesn't get out much?

Help is at hand. This handy guide will help you negotiate the hundreds of profiles that turn up when you press 'search'. First tip: when's the last time you believed someone who kept telling you they were honest? Exactly. With the online, you can't see the whites of their eyes. Still. Chin up!

"I love snowboarding, skydiving, scuba diving, bungee jumping and jumping off high things"
"I am an accountant. My name is Trevor. I live in Milton Keynes."

"I am looking for a woman who is as happy in a little black dress as she is in a pair of Wellington boots."
"My name is Henry, and I live in Gloucestershire. You will have to make room for Labby the Labrador in our marital bed. I love Nanny best."

"I enjoy going out and staying in."
"I will never have anything of any import to say about anything, ever."

"I am looking for a committed relationship."
"I am a commitmentphobe looking for a series of one-night stands with emotionally unstable women"

"I am just a normal guy looking for a normal woman. Looks not important."
"I am clinically insane, and rarely wash."

"Hi i am New to London, looking friends and Good Times!!!"
"I am from Russia, and looking for residency."

"My weight could be most accurately described as: a few extra pounds"
"I weigh at least 250lbs and have to do internet dating because I can't walk anymore. I have strange things caught in folds."

"Blonde"
Really?

"I am a 42 year old woman"
"I am 50, and my husband has just left me for his 37 year old secretary, Patricia. I think they've been at it for years but I can't be sure. But I've pulled myself together, and I'm up and at 'em: no-one's going to stop me being happy."

"I am average looking."
"I fell hard from the ugly tree, hitting every branch on the way down."

"I am attractive"
"I am plain. You wouldn't remember my face if you were introduced to me twice, but I'm not actually ugly."

"I am very attractive"
"I look after myself and in a certain light, am not unattractive."

"I am very good looking."
"'I am a delusional, narcissistic fool."

"I like independent women."
"I refuse to commit, and I will be particularly reluctant to commit if you earn more than me and are funnier/more intelligent than me."

"I live life to the full."
"I do not know what I am saying."

"I am looking for someone to make me better."
"I am me, and I will not change, so don't even try it; just accept me for who I am."

"I often enjoy a round of golf"
"I am a twat."

"I've been concentrating on my career and have just noticed that all my friends are married with kids."
Two options here:
1. "Fuck me, better pay attention and get on with it"; or
2. "I have had to fill my life with work because no-one wants to go out with me."

"I like cuddling up on the sofa with a DVD and a bottle of red wine."
"I am so dull I can't think of anything else to do with the time I have left over from tending my terrapins."

As it goes everyone really likes doing this, but you shouldn't say it out loud. And for the record, you need at least 2 bottles.

"I can't believe I'm doing this!"
"I am a bit embarrassed that I am this desperate." Come on, love, we all are: it's fine.

"I can't believe I've had to resort to this."
"I am angry that someone has gorgeous as I am is like everyone else, really."

"Looks aren't that important to me."
"I care very much how someone looks, but don't think I'm good looking enough to be able to say that."

"I asked my friends how they'd describe me, and they said kind, funny, and generous to a fault."
"I have 3 friends: 2 men called Andy, and a woman called Helen I went out with once. We were all at university together."

Like people who are murdered (who are always described in the most glowing terms - do only the good die young, or was Joel pulling our legs?), friends ONLY ever say 'kind, generous, loving, funny'. And perhaps 'crazy'. Or 'kooky' if they're a girl. If I asked my friends what they thought of me they'd laugh until they couldn't speak.

"My friends can't believe I'm single."
"My friends ply me with consolatory words when I am being drunkenly maudlin."

More like they wish you weren't single, then they wouldn't have to hear you going ON AND ON about it the whole time and looking at them resentfully at couples-only dinner parties.

As it happens my friends can believe I'm single, but not in a bad way.

"I have just come out of a relationship."
"I need someone to make me feel better, for I am very, very lonely and confused."

Avoid. At all costs. Whatever you do. Really. They are not over it, whatever they say. If someone mentions an ex, or the fact that they've just come out of a relationship, it means they are still thinking of the other person, and therefore will not have any room in their head for you. I have said this elsewhere, I know.

"I'm a crazy, kooky girl just looking for love, smiles and cuddles!!!!!!!! :-)"
"I am mentally deficient and like glitter."

Does Internet Dating Work?

2006-08-03T19:55:00.000+01:00

It depends on what you want, of course. From a new hobby, to selecting from a range of foreign ladies in search of a Green Card, internet dating will provide all you require. The only conditions? Patience. Oh, and honesty. It generally gets you what's good for you, rather than what you think you want.

I would like to be entertained.

Absolutely guaranteed, my cheeky friends. End of story. Reading profiles, sending emails, meeting strangers for dates; telling all your mates about the bloke with the spit: all immensely entertaining. Particularly now that internet dating is so mainstream that only people who live in boxes and eat insects think it's weird.

I would like to enter into a long distance relationship with someone in Alaska, converse via webcam every night for 8 months, then get married. Then I would like to instal them in my house in a suburb of Glasgow and feed them packet noodles. And we will be happy.

Easier than meeting a single man in London who is over the age of 37 and isn't a cock, to be frank - so yes, the superweb will you this thing if that's what you want.

I would like to find someone with whom to conduct an extra-marital affair.

I think there are sites dedicated to this very thing. However, you should be ashamed of yourself, you bad dog. And when your spouse finds out, may they burn the hair from your head with a cheap lighter.

Has it worked for you?

Yes. And no. I'll do it again when I'm not such a porker though, THAT'S for sure.

Could you give me at least 10 other examples of other people who have met online and are now happily shacked up?

Yes, now piss off. This isn't a competition.

I want casual sex with strangers

Do you? Why's that then? Luckily for you, internet dating is jolly good for this. It is remarkably easy to find a number of people willing to sleep with you with virtually no introduction. And these people can be found on all types of sites: the 'normal' ones and 'specialist' ones.

People on 'specialist' sites tend to be honest about it, whereas 'normal' sites conceal people up for a bit of opportunistic relationship-free shagging. Some people are honest about it in their profile; some aren't. It's up to you smoke them out. sexintheuk.com is a good place to start if you're up for casual sex with a number of different people, their friends, their next door neighbours, their S&M caves and their dog. I found it a bit weird and the people were a bit minging, but it was honest, in its way. Didn't get my dogs barking, mind you. In fact, I stayed on it for about 5 minutes and left when I was approached by a 70 year old man offering me a look of his knob. Lordy.

I want to meet new people and make friends

Again, no problem here. Easy peasy. Just be honest about what you're after (i.e., don't lead people into thinking you're up for a relationship when you're not) and go and meet people. You may like some of them. You may not like others. Either way, there's lots of people out there, most of them probably perfectly nice. And a lot of them are probably like you, even if you only like weasels and cake.

I want to get married

Calm down, for God's sake. You have to go through the 'meeting someone and starting a relationship and sustaining it over a long period of time' bit first. Call me old fashioned. However, if you really just want to get married to any old person, you can probably buy a Thai bride or a Russian husband, both keen to get passports. Your life will be a cavalcade of horror, but that's up to you.

I would like a relationship. Any old one will do. Don't really want commitment.

If you don't want commitment at some point, why do you want a 'relationship'? Sounds like you want someone to sleep with regularly and go to the cinema with when you haven't got anything else to do.

Not particularly fair on the other person, but if you are absolutely honest in your profile, you may find someone else who'll put up with it. But you + the person who'll put up with that = probably both a bit unhappy, so I'd try and see if you can understand that most people want a good relationship because, on the whole, a good relationship makes life a bit more enjoyable. (And there's a reason why people have been getting shacked up and trying to be monogamous since the dawn of humanity, but that's another story.)

I would really like to meet someone and have a relationship that both of us enjoy, see what happens, but approach it with a desire for it to succeed.

Oh, why is it that the 'nicest' things sound vomit-inducingly cheesy? Shame really. Anyway, well, yes, internet dating does work for this. But (oh, but, but, but): as Feargal Sharkey once said, "A good love these days is hard to find."

You probably will find it, but it will take time, a lot of dates, a lot of honesty, a lot of patience and a bit of resilience. And that's without taking into account your own habitual approach to relationships. You may find someone you want to have a relationship with through the internet, but the internet won't guarantee its success. Obviously.

I want a new job.

Um, no, probably not good for that.

I really need a recipe for cake.

No, not good for that either.

I am looking for a timeshare apartment in Malaga

No.

Monkey?

Very possibly.

Your Internet Dating Questions Answered with Datingmonkey

2006-08-02T20:17:00.000+01:00

Lawks. There's something in the air. I could barely open the heavily-leaded front door of Datingmonkey Towers this morning because of the enormous amount of correspondence I've received in the last two days from enthusiastic readers. Here's a sample.

Should I take my mother on a date?

Hola Datingmonkey!

How you hangin'? Listen. Here's me and my Mom on holiday in Mexico City. She's my best friend. I love her more than anyone in the world. But a guy's gotta move on, and it's time for me to meet a wife. But how can any woman live up to my beautiful Mommy? Should I take her on my dates and get her to choose? (I'm already making a lot of progress by searching for women who meet pretty much all my Mom's physical attributes, although no WAY could they ever be more beautiful.)

What do you think?

Stan, Ohio

P.S. Dad died when I was five and a half. Mom hasn't got a boyfriend because I said she couldn't.

Dear Stan

2 questions: are your feet swollen? And is your mother's name Jocasta? Yes? You're asking me why? No matter.

Now, before going any further, please read this. If you haven't got the hint, go to the obviously splendid Ohio Psychotherapy Directory, phone up the person with the name that you like the best, and say the following (no moving away from the script, if you please): "Hello my name is Stan. I have an unconscious desire for the exclusive love of my mother, and have murderous thoughts about any man that tries to assume the role of father-figure. Help me."

These simple steps should help. In the meantime, please remove your profile from all internet dating sites immediately.

All the best

DM

There's something wrong with my internet girl

Dear Datingmonkey

I have met a super girl and we've been on about 10 dates. I really feel there's something developing between us that could have long lasting potential. But there's something about her that I can't put my finger on. I'm not sure if it's something about the way she looks, or if it's something else - but it's really standing in the way of me entering into a longer-term commitment. Could you have a quick look at this picture? Can YOU see anything untoward? It's really annoying me now.

Thanks so much.

Reg, Lyme Regis

Dear Reg

Not sure about the earrings, and the hair's a little harsh. Otherwise, fine.

All the best

DM

Cliff Richard's Getting In The Way Of Love

Dear DM

Thanks for all your hard work on behalf of the internet dating community. We all appreciate you more every day.

Here's my problem. I've been emailing a girl I met on Match.com. She seems great. Tomorrow night we're moving on to 'webcam action', but she's asked if I can wear a mask bearing the face of Cliff Richard when we talk. Do you think that's weird?

Thanks DM. And keep up the good work.

Ken, Melbourne

Dear Ken

Yes, if you don't like the work of Sir Cliff. If you do - get her to slip on a Lulu c. 1968. Could be fun.

Best

DM

How To Get A Date With Someone You Meet Online

2006-08-02T19:42:00.000+01:00

Think it's going to be easy, do you? Think you just slip into your 'sweat pants'*, crack open a bottle of sweet white wine, flip open your 2001 Dell laptop and find a boyfriend?

If only things were that simple. Luckily, I am here to help.

General Pointers

Avoid annoying punctuation
Multiple exclamation marks and smiley after smiley are really fucking annoying. Don't use them if you want to be asked out on a blind date, unless your correspondent is also a fan, in which case you deserve each other.

You can't hide desperation
The stink of desperation is hard to dispel. If you are desperate, stop online dating immediately and contact your local psychotherapist. No, finding a nice lady or man is not going to make you feel better in a profound or lasting way.

You can't fancy someone you haven't met
You can like the look of them and think they sound good, but you can't fancy someone you haven't met. Fact.

Don't go on holiday to Fantasy Island
You're only meeting someone for a date. Do NOT start idly flicking through Brides magazine before you've seen if they can use a knife and fork or not.

What do I do when I see someone I like the look of online?

Don't panic, don't get overexcited, and don't expect too much. Remember: you haven't met yet, and you are not at the 6th form disco, seeing people of the opposite sex for the first time. Read the object of interest's profile carefully. Write an email that is fairly lighthearted, but indicates that you have read their profile and are interested. (NB: writing an email indicates that you are interested. You don't have to say it too.)

What do I do if they don't reply?

Leave it. Don't write again. Options are:

a) they're not interested
b) their computer has broken
c) they are away
d) they are thinking about what to say if they reply.

If someone's interested, they'll reply. It's as simple as that.

What do I do if they write back and they sound like an idiot?

Give it a few goes. Exchange a few emails. If you still don't like the sound of them, write and say it's been lovely talking to them, but you're not sure you've got that much in common. Or something.

What do I do if they write back and they sound nice?

Durr. Write back. But don't get overexcited.

Should we talk on the phone first?

Er, yes. For all you know he may have a tongue that's too big for his mouth, or sound like George Osbourne (who was at school with my brother and was a twat even then, apparently). If they sound OK on email, and you have an OK conversation on the phone, chances are you'll have a good date (even if it doesn't lead anywhere). I once met someone without talking to him first and he sounded just like a stupid golden labrador would sound if it could talk. Awful.

Is there anything I shouldn't mention before we've met?

Don't whinge, bitch or talk about your ex. (In fact, don't do that generally. It's undignified, boring, and makes you sound like a twat.) Don't mention therapy, your terrible childhood, or your gimp mask (unless you're on certain types of site).

Is there anything I should mention before we meet?

Yes.

a) children
b) ex-wives/husbands
c) prison record
d) number of James Blunt albums owned
e) heroin addiction
f) alcoholism
g) sex addiction
h) bankruptcy.

What do I do if they ask to see pictures of me naked?

That, my friend, is your business, and will in some way be dictated by what kind of site you are on. (If you know what I mean. Hem hem.) Otherwise, I'd tell them to piss off out of it and get their adolescent pervo-kicks elsewhere. Or send you some money via PayPal first.

Should I ask him out?

Internet dating is one of the few places where everyone seems to forget that the ladies can't make the first move. The point of doing it is to meet and possibly have a relationship. Therefore, suggesting that you meet for a drink is fine, if that's what you want to do.

Should I ask her out?

Yeah.

How long should I wait until I suggest we meet?

Don't piss about. If you live within 50 miles of each other and are getting on on email, there's no reason not to do it within a couple of weeks. Remember: you haven't met yet, and it might not work out. And if it doesn't, there are more people to meet.

There's also a little thing about long, long email exchanges turning into a virtual relationship. It is all too easy to start having fanciful notions about someone you haven't met yet - notions that are rarely met when you meet. So don't do it.

Is it OK to meet more than one person in a week?

Fuck, yeah. You're talking online, not going out with each other. (Yet.)

Is it OK to meet more than one person in a day?

If you've got the time, why not?

Is it OK to meet more than two people in a day?

Are you unemployed and gagging for it?

Where should I suggest we meet?

Somewhere informal, where you're not stranded with each other if one of you wants to make a quick escape. Good idea: pub for a drink; gallery (cheesy but true, plus you get to check them out). Bad ideas: dinner; theatre; cinema; London Eye shut in a pod going round and round and round and round; a mountain; your mum's house.

Now what do I do?

Put on some clothes that suit you and that you feel comfortable in. Wash. (Do that bit before you put the clothes on.) If you wear makeup, don't slap it on. Don't get pissed before you meet. Tell one other person where you're going and with whom. Then just go and meet them, and be yourself.

And remember, Wise Datingmonkey Say: It's Only Real Once You've Met.

Bonne chance, my dating friends.

* what, exactly, are 'sweat pants'?

You Can't Do Internet Dating All The Time

2006-07-18T14:58:00.000+01:00

The people who become 'addicted' to internet dating are the ones that don't realise you can just walk away from it for months at a time (or years, in my case). It's always there. You're not going to miss someone speshul because you decided you just can't be arsed with it for a bit. It's there for you to use when it suits you. Do it when you're in the mood. When you're feeling perky about yourself and nothing much is worrying you. Or you're very bored. Any of those. They're all good. It's just another way of meeting people.

Internet Dating Is A Seasonal Pursuit

2006-07-18T14:48:00.000+01:00

Early Spring (rain), Autumn (wind, rain, leaves, etc) and Winter (rain, snow, hail, freezing Arctic winds, freak Mistrals due to global warming), are the times for internet dating. It's dark, everyone's pissed off, and everyone's wearing slightly too tight jerseys and thick socks. That's when to do it, when you can meet in dark pubs or in galleries on rainy afternoons. Not turn up sweating slightly because you're running late and have had to run from the bus stop.

Summer only lasts 3 weeks anyway, so it's no great loss. So, put down your laptops, put on your most flattering t-shirt and 'shades' (whatever they are), and get outside. Buy someone an ice cream. Offer that pretty girl on the train your spare bottle of water. No-one cares. They're all half-dead from heat exhaustion anyway.

My New Internet Dating Profile

2006-07-17T10:19:00.000+01:00

I've had a pop, and I'm liking it. If it gets your dogs barking and you fit the description, get in touch. Please supply photo. I look like my Blogger profile photograph (up on the far right: are you blind? And if so, how can you read this?), so if you like hairy hands in a lady, you're laughing.

"Unemployed, porky (but quite good-looking), bird seeks man who won't fall over if I run at him. I will cook, do some washing, pay for other people to do basic DIY that I have neither the time nor the inclination to do, speak French on French holidays (or in French-speaking countries), type fast and be in a good and reasonable mood 90% of the time. I am a clean homeowner with more than ten friends, a cat I despise who lives on a cardboard box, and a cheerful family. I enjoy watching home improvement television programmes during the day, going to the gymnasium, eating North Staffordshire Oatcakes, and reading books.

Things I like in a gentleman include kind eyes, large hands, thick jerseys in winter and the ability to grow a beard. Thick socks and hair preferable, but I have no objection to a baldy if he's got a way with words. Employment status and bank balance relatively unimportant, but should be able to pay for own bus fare. At least three out of four limbs and pulse preferred. Ability to use apostrophes correctly vital. Must not use any of the following expressions, ever:

- "take a pew"
- "me and my better half"
- "pardon me"
- "moist, thick slices"
- "shall I pop James Blunt on the soundsystem?"
- "Pappy wants a special cuddle"
- "I've always liked fat lasses. More to grab hold of"
- "If I'm honest, I've always wanted to live in the Surrey area. Better class of person"
- "I've made raita for dinner."

Must not be weird, but odd is acceptable. Proof of at least 2 years of Freudian psychotherapy preferred, or written statement confirming sanity from local Justice of the Peace. Must dislike but be able to tolerate mentally deficient, overweight cats that live on cardboard boxes, and be good at kissing. Must not take himself seriously. Should bear in mind that I am 37 in October, so more in the mood for visits to Homebase than smoking crack. I am fond of children, but do not press my face against the window of Mothercare keening into the empty evening.

London area preferable, although will relocate if it goes well for a year or so and we can't think of anything else to do."

I Thought You Had To Be Clever To Read The Guardian

2006-07-12T13:11:00.000+01:00

But no, for they feel it necessary to email their members (including past members, e.g. me) with some truly excellent advice, including:

Enhance your profile with a great photograph and we're sure you'll see your success rate increase. A few tips for looking good:

* Choose a clear well-focused photo that has you as the main subject.

Funny, that. I always thought you should post a picture of your cat wearing a fez and smoking a pipe. But thanks to The Guardian, I'll get it right next time.

How Long Should I Wait Before We Meet?

2006-07-10T11:07:00.001+01:00

Dear Datingmonkey,

How long should you wait before you actually meet someone you meet online? I've just started and I've been emailing with someone for about a week and he seems like a very nice guy. But I'm afraid if we wait too long to meet and he or I are disappointed, it will be a lot more of a letdown. Plus, Ithink I've already told him too much and it will be awkward meeting him at all.

So what's a good amount of time to wait?

Sincerely,

Ellen

Dearest Ellen

Thank you for your excellent question.

Before you wonder about when you will meet, SPEAK TO HIM ON THE PHONE. Someone who sounds great on email may have a voice like Pee Wee, or a tongue that's too big for his mouth. Neither of these lead to good dates, in my experience. (If he doesn't want to speak on the phone he's either married or insane, so avoid him.)

Anyway, assuming you speak on the phone and you like the sound of him, arrange to meet. (The cunning thing about speaking on the phone is that it usually comes up in conversation, so you don't have to worry about it.)

When? Well, I've met people on the same day and after 3 months of emailing. I suggest within 2 weeks, if you can. That way, as you say, you avoid 'disappointment' (which is in fact just being pissed off that you've spent that amount of time emailing a total idiot with a tongue that's too big for his mouth), and you get it over and done with. Because the longer you leave it, the bigger a deal it becomes.

And finally: it's only a date. In the grand scheme of things, if it goes wrong it doesn't matter. And if it goes wrong? Just get online and find someone nicer to go on a date with. And if it goes right, it means you haven't wasted weeks emailing someone you'd rather be with in person. Result all round, I say.

Oh, and don't worry about having told him too much. What's said in email suddenly seems totally unimportant once you meet. I'm not sure why; it just does.

Good luck!

DM x

How To Make Money From Internet Dating

2006-07-08T12:45:00.000+01:00

Genius. If you're strapped for cash and find yourself without true romance after a spell of high-intensity internet dating, just sue the internet dating site. How I wish I'd thought of this myself. I'd be fucking rolling in it.

The monkey hotline tells me of a woman who is suing a site for 'mis-matching' her after she had to 'endure' 8 terrible dates with men that she felt weren't suitable. Very clever. This way, not only does she make a complete arse of herself by bothering to make such a fuss, but she also - somehow - takes no responsibility for the fact that the dates didn't go well. Strange, really, as she's obviously a fuckwit (which would have had no bearing on how the date went, of course).

If that route doesn't suit you, you can follow the example of some people in the Americas who are suing Match.com and Yahoo! Personals for posting fake profiles (to suggest there are more foxes online than there actually are), and intercepting emails. A brief consideration of online dating sites' business models would suggest:

1. They have millions of members
2. Posting fake profiles takes time
3. They probably couldn't be arsed to post fake profiles, as it takes time, and they've got millions of members anyway.

Still, makes for a good reason why you're not shacked up, however unlikely it seems.

Then - and how I laughed - there's another. When you join a dating site, you fill in your search criteria. With the best will in the world, even I - with my limited ability to use a keyboard due to the monkey paws/12" Powerbook keyboard size ratio - can fill in an internet dating site 'search criteria' form without too many mishaps.

Anyroad up, some bird in America is apparently suing a site for not setting her up with a nice Jewish boy. Their argument is that she didn't accurately fill in her search criteria. For a month. Poor love. Still, she reckons they owe her $4,000.

And finally, the married man suing a site for not letting him join because - well, he's married, and theirs is a singles-only site. 'But how can I start my life again?', he bleats from across the ocean. By finishing the relationship you're in before you start another one, would be my tip.

I'm getting on the phone to my solicitor RIGHT NOW. Some 6ft 9 fat bloke I was on a date with once said 'bite my balls, and hard' over a drink of wine and a bowl of peanuts in a fashionable West End drinking venue, and I think I'm still from suffering post-traumatic stress syndrome. And that, obviously, is Match.com's fault.

Inter-species Love: A Reader Complains

2006-07-06T15:30:00.000+01:00

Dear Fallacious Blogger,

I am writing to say how disappointed I am in your highly misleading web page. I have dropped in on three occasions now and have yet to find any material relating to simian-human relationships. As a regular animal lover, I was expecting a service similar to the excellent findafox.net or chihuahuachat.com, facilitating relaxed interaction (and maybe something more) between open-minded people and other species.

Imagine my confusion, then, at finding only the turgid repetitive rehearsal of the man-woman, woman-man, same-species tedium that the more enlightened of us have left behind.

This type of deception seems to be the stock in trade of so-called dating sites: I was similarly let down last year when I approached the Singles Network in search of a tennis partner.

Sincerely,

K.E. Babhouse
Purley

Dear Babhouse

What do you want me to do about it? I'll happily 'open the floor' to supporters of inter-species love, but it's a specialist market. Know what I'm saying?

So saying, I'm a monkey, you're a man, and I'm in the Purley area on Friday. Fancy a go?

Yours

DM

P.S. I don't do fellacious though - hope that's OK.

Summer Special: Internet Dating Profile Picture Clinic: Part 2

2006-06-30T23:17:00.000+01:00

Such has been the popularity of my internet dating profile picture clinic (in which I offer my loyal readers objective advice on their photographs), I've hardly had time to comb the lice from my monkey head. Here's a selection of today's submissions, but keep them coming in, friends: it's what I'm here for. Email them to me. Come on, don't be shy - we're all friends here.

Hello to Dating monkey
Hi from Japan!!!! on some days my legs don't work. We made special computer table at school. Show it, yes? No?
Love from
Kitten

Dear Kitten

Miaow! When you say 'legs don't work', what do you mean exactly? Do send a reply soonest and I'll get onto this immediately.

Nice bunches.

Love from

DM xx

Dear Datingmonkey
After many years of wearing contact lenses I've finally 'bowed to the inevitable' and am now wearing full-time spectacles. (A choice that became inevitable after 5 consecutive bouts of viral conjunctivitis.) What do you think? Keep them on for the photograph, or take them off? Plus, as you can see I have had a loose perm. Do you think it's succesful?
Thanks in advance.
Janet, Bury St Edmunds

Dearest Janet
Darling, you've got SUCH a sweet smile that I don't think either your specs or hair are going to make much difference.
Good luck!
DM

Yo, DM!
I'm thinking: summer. I'm thinking: relaxed. I'm thinking: stylish, cool, popular, and familiar with the ladies' favourite, the cocktail. Thoughts?
Keep it real.
Jeff, Ealing

Dear Jeff
I'm thinking: cock. So I am also thinking: it must be working!
Keep it - as you say - real.
All the best
Datingmonkey

Dear Datingmonkey
Having recently achieved a 2:2 in Industrial Communications from the University of Dorset, I thought this picture (posed in a studio and taken by a professional photographer, naturally) would appeal to the more intellectual lady. Let me know if you agree, and don't be afraid to be honest - I'm feeling confident about this one.
Yours
Chris, Plymouth

Dear Chris
Honestly? You look like you're looking up an 18 year old Marketing Studies student's skirt. You therefore look very slightly like a dirty old man, but only very slightly.
Very best wishes
DM

Dear Datingmonkey
I have recently had some facial remodelling work done. I know my teeth are a bit prominent but do you think it's OK to use this photograph or do you think it might put people off?
Thanks very much.
Lucy, London

Dear Lucy
Wassup, sista. The best kinds of gentlemen like a lady with a bit of 'bite', as they say, so I say: keep the teeth IN.
With love
DM x

Phantom Internet Pregnancy

2006-06-30T11:08:00.000+01:00

I met someone for a date once. He was weird. I deleted his phone number from my mobile. When he rang the other day, I didn't recognise the number. And I picked up.

J: Congratulations.
Me: What on?
J: You're pregnant, aren't you?
Me: No.
J: Yes you are.
Me: No I'm not.
J: But you sent me an email saying you were.
Me: No, I didn't, because I'm not.
J: I don't believe you.
Me: I'm not pregnant.
J: Well, I sent you an email saying hi and you replied saying you were pregnant.
Me: No, I didn't. The last time I spoke to you or emailed you was over 8 months ago.
J: Yes! It was then!
Me: What was?
J: When you told me you were pregnant. And I emailed back and you didn't reply and I thought you were angry with me.
Me: Why would I be angry with you?
J: For thinking you were pregnant.
Me: What?
J: Do you think someone's pulling a fast one on us?
Me: Sorry?
J: Do you think someone's taking the piss?
Me: Like who? We don't know anyone in common.
J: I thought you would have had it by now.
Me: Had WHAT?
J: The baby.
Me: The imaginary non-existent baby?
J: Yes, that one. I mean I reckon that if I emailed you over 8 months ago, you will have had it by now.
Me: Yes.
J: I was in your paper last week. Did you see it?
Me: No.
J: It was great.
Me: Oh.
J: Yes.
Me: I'm very busy. I can't talk at the moment. I have to go.

Guest Spot: What Happens When You Take A Friend On A Date

2006-06-29T15:26:00.000+01:00

Tired Dad wrote this. It was a comment on my last piss-poor post. I like it.

* * * * *

It wasn’t via the internet. And it wasn’t *me* bringing a friend.

I am 20. I am student and barman.

Unfeasibly beautiful woman returns at end of term from her far-away University and always acquires casual work at the same bar as I. We get on. I pretend not to like her.

This amuses her.

We get on even more.

She jokes about us going out together.

Beauty is one thing. But self-awareness, wit and intellect are another. They rarely go together. Except in her case.

She is massively out of my league.

Fuck it. I ask her.

I see the moment of blind panic in her eyes. I shut it out. She still says yes. She is that wonderful.

I know I KNOW that so far as she is concerned, me grabbing her by the hair and bending her over her mother’s kitchen table is a far-off possibility.

But we get on. We are friends. I make her laugh.

Maybe.

I choose a suitably out-of-the-way venue. The city has more pubs and restaurants per square mile than anywhere aside from London. I am well known. I do not want to be troubled by regulars, barmen, waiters, chefs or proprietors, all of which know me.

SHE BRINGS A FRIEND.

Not only for security. I have seen said friend giving me the eye. One I have not returned.

*You have no chance* is the gist of this gesture. *But here are some scraps from the table.*

I buy them both a drink. Of a non-alcoholic nature. ( They were BOTH driving?!)

I think the evening could not be going worse.

In walks SadSack.

SadSack is a regular at my bar. Bit pudgy. Late thirties. Who regales me with tales of the Jag he is reconditioning. Of how he finds it quite hard living with his mother. Of the work that he does for the Ministry of Dfence that he cannot tell me about. But most of all HOW HE DOESN’T HAVE MUCH LUCK WITH THE LADIES.

Obscenely Beuatiful Woman is delighted to see him and invites him over.

Me and SadDack very quickly get very drunk. I know this will be the happiest ending the night has to offer.

Ridiculously You Wouldn’t Believe It Unless You’d Seen Her Beautiful Woman and Now No Longer In The Slightest Bit Interested Friend leave quickly.

SadSack shakes his head in a sorrowful manner. He reaches for my hand. Instinctively I take it.

We shake. As we do so, he says,

‘What do we poor sods think we’re playing at? I mean, as if?!’

I have just shaken on a Faustian pact. But not with the devil. But with the Prince of a Bit Shit.

I then spend a year shagging anyone slightly below my league and generally being a bit caddish in order to shake-off SadSack’s perceived kinship.

I was 20. Leave me alone.

All is ace now. Today-and-forever’s Stupidly Beautiful Woman is still massively out of my league, but our two children level it out.

Summer Special: Internet Dating Profile Picture Clinic

2006-06-25T17:08:00.000+01:00

When summer comes, thoughts turn to love. And what better way of finding it than a spot of light internet dating?

But it's not that easy to get it right when it comes to photographs. So, for this week only, I will be offering a free and objective point of view on your profile pictures. Do send them in.

Dear Datingmonkey

I'm looking for a classy guy. I think of myself as a classy lady, so I think this gives off the right signals. What do you think?

Thanks.

Jackie, Dunfermeline

Dear Jackie

No, sorry. Common. Like you charge for sex. And spend your earnings on Lambert & Butler and Bacardi Breezers. And what's with the eyeliner? Very '83.

Best wishes

DM

Dear DM

I think mystery is the thing that keeps relationships alive, so I thought I'd put up this 'mysterious' photograph, with the title 'Mysterious Lady'. I think it's a winning formula. What do you think?

Thanks ever so much.

Beverley, Swansea

Dear Bev

Did your neglectful mother get drunk one night in 1973, leaving you in the vicinity of an easily-accessible pan of boiling chip fat?

Best

DM

Dear Datingmonkey,

I'm thrilled to pieces with this super photograph - informal but smart, I thought, with the splash of colour from Mummy's tea cup. What do you think?

Yours ever,

Giles

Dear Giles

Thank you for your enquiry.

I suggest a more informal shot - an insouciant pose against a tree, with, perhaps, a pipe in hand? More importantly, however, your winsome smile suggests you are not 'au fait' with the workings of the ladyparts. If this is the case, can I suggest a tweed cap as an addition to your ensemble?

All the best, and do let me know how it goes,

DM

Dear Dating Monkey

I think this one gives off 'sassy and sexy'. What do you think?

Thanks.

Jo, Bexhill

Dear Jo

Very good effort!

All the best

DM

Strange Men I Have Met From Doing Internet Dating

2006-06-20T00:07:00.000+01:00

My judgment went on holiday for a few years. I think it had a good time, but it knew it had to come back eventually. Now it chooses wisely and well, and I, as a result, am happier. Don't get myself in as many harum-scarum scrapes, mind you, but this monkey is 36 now and too old for that nonsense.

Still, put 'em all together, and these stories will help you understand that you shouldn't spend time with:

1. The insane
2. Alcoholics
3. Daily Mail journalists
4. Immensely tall Canadians
5. Men who drive purple Lotuses.

The Strange Men I Have Met From Doing Internet Dating:

1 x therapist. Bonkers. Lived in a bedsit in Stoke Newington with two tiny cats and held my hand a lot. We had a strange evening stranded in a cheap hotel in Brighton on nylon sheets. Nothing happened, mind you. Must have been the sweat. He would sit cross-legged at my parties and my friends thought he was nice. He wasn't really, but he did remind me how good 'National Express' by the Divine Comedy is.

1 x complete and utter fucking lunatic met through someone I met on an internet date, setting off a chain of events including trying to launch a branded disposable golf tee in Cardiff, a fight in a bar in France, an ex-girlfriend who lurked like a ghost, another fight or two (including one in a car park in Swansea), an incident in a house in Devon involving a roast chicken, a visit to Safeway, a bottle of Chateau Talbot, a walk on which I was 'accidentally lost', a dog, a blowjob in a conservatory and my ex-best friend, a sheepskin rug, a comedy house sign, endless trips to Wales and back, a pie in Bad Bend Cottage, ghost-like ex girlfriend turning up in to my birthday party in a hippy skirt, 5 Welshmen in my flat in London, embarrassingly soulful singing, truly appalling poetry (awarded only by the internet), and occasional hand holding.

He has now, I think, lost touch with all his friends and lives in the hills in Wales with a plasterer (male) and keeps in occasional touch with his 4 children by different women.

1 x novelist. Bizarre evening in a pub in Pimlico. Handsome but unhinged. I read his novel afterwards. It was awful.

1 x enormously tall Canadian.Started telling me his secrets, bought me cocktails, offered nights at the Savoy drinking more cocktails then disappeared without a trace. (NB: he thought I might comment upon him in my blog. I said I wouldn't. Then he didn't bother to get in touch. Go figure, as I am sure he would have said.)

1 x bi-polar posh boy who played me Allanis Morissette, read me his poetry, and sent me photographs of other women's breasts

1 x man who brought his car steering wheel on our date and then got stuck in his Lotus trying to leave.

1 x journalist for the Daily Mail with a strange mouth who ate underseasoned Persian food and dribbled.

1 x owner of stationery website who sat silently through dinner then left.

1 x alcoholic who took it upon himself to join me on holiday with my friends, encouraged my alcoholic ex-best-friend (AEBF) to drink, shagged her in the orchard, earned the nickname 'Colossus', and asked me to 'turn the radio down -some of us are trying to get some sleep' - in my own house. AEBF and he then tried to leave without saying goodbye, were discovered at the last minute, and ended up trying to drink themselves to death for weeks in AEBF's father's villa in Provence. Universally reviled by all, he sent me an unsigned cheque for some money he owed me with a thank you letter, and is now living with AEBF in her flat in Hammersmith.

Oh, and 3,241 men who I can't remember.

Oui, c'est moi, Datingmonkey

2006-06-10T04:37:00.001+01:00

I've gone to France*. But they have the internet there too so my posts, whilst of course maintaining their current high standard, will have a little added 'je ne sais quoi' over the next few days.

Coming soon: Guide to Ladies' Profile Photographs. With examples.

A bientot, mes amis!

DMx

* With a bloke I met off the internet.

The Secret Iconography of Profile Photographs

2006-06-04T21:37:00.000+01:00

Alarmed by the amount of profiles that come up when you press 'Search'? Wondering how you're ever going to be able to read them all? Concerned that you'll miss 'the one' because your eyes don't work anymore?

The time of confusion is over, my friends. Have this handy guide by your side as you search the online for love, and discover how easy it is to sort the love wheat from the dating trash simply by looking at a tiny photograph on a profile.

WEARING SUNGLASSES

No eyes. Just empty sockets. Leading to a brain full of feathers.

TINY SPECK IN THE SKY IN PUFFY SUIT

Skydiver or Dangerous Sport Fan. May die soon.

RELAXING IN AN ENVIRONMENT THAT SUGGESTS A POOR EYE FOR INTERIOR DESIGN

No taste. I wouldn't be keen, myself, but then there's - well, no accounting for taste.

WITH DOG

Both caring. And sharing. Or blind - but check for white stick.

WITH CAT(S)

Weird.

WITH BABY

Knows what makes the ladies go 'aaaah'. Do not trust him.

IN PHOTO WITH ARM ROUND WOMAN CUT OUT OF PHOTOGRAPH

Divorced or separated. Probably bitter.

IN PHOTO WITH OTHER WOMAN

a. trying to prove he was once Getting It;
b. gay, with best friend (lady);
c. not over ex;
d. annoyingly hearty, and says "I'm crazy, me!"

IN 'PROFESSIONALLY TAKEN' PHOTOGRAPH

EITHER off-the-scale insecure OR an actor/tress OR really reckons themselves OR just weird. Either way, it's not good.

SMILING STRAIGHT AT CAMERA IN CANDID STYLE

Probably nice.

POUTING AT CAMERA
Probably an idiot (applies to men and women, obv)

LOOKING SIDEWAYS UP AT CAMERA AND POUTING
Definitely an idiot (ditto)

LYING IN BED ON SIDE LOOKING UP AT YOU FROM PILLOW
Reckons he is Mr Loverman. Usually a bit puffy and looks like he'd sweat a lot. An unsexy idiot. If it's a lady, she reckons she's all that, OR is called Pat, lives in Stevenage, has a husband in the army and a lot of 'needs'.

PLAYING A GUITAR

Smokes dope all day. Sensitive. Rough hands.

SHAVED HEAD, PHOTOGRAPHED AGAINST FRESHLY-CREOSOTED GARDEN FENCE SOMEWHERE LIKE WEMBLEY

Dangerous killer.

DRESSED IN AMUSING CLOTHES AND GURNING

Deeply insecure, actually quite nice, and thinks is only worthwhile if making everyone laugh.

IN CORPORATE SETTING IN SUIT

No friends as only picture he has is of self at work.

WITH CAR

Tiny cock. Obviously.

STARING MOODILY OUT OF WINDOW IN SEMI-DARKNESS
Ugly, but likes poetry.

RIPPLING TORSO

Cut photo out of Littlewood's Catalogue.

WEARING SURREALIST OUTFIT

Reckons is insteresting, therefore probably isn't.

Things To Watch Out For If You're Looking For A Gentleman Caller Online

2006-06-03T23:09:00.000+01:00

You're going to love this. And don't thank me. It's entirely my pleasure. I just want to give something back to the world.

a. Establish type of relationship with mother. If good (loving, affectionate, slightly wry, for e.g.), proceed. If obsessive, avoid. If full of hate, try the Tavistock Centre or other local mental health centre

b. Work out how many friends they have. If lots, and if they are normal, proceed. If only one or two, work out if he lived alone in a box for 20 years. If so, run away. If no evidence of friends at all, just no. Unless you don't have any friends either, in which case you might be good for each other

c. If someone is over their ex, they do not mention them in their profile, or indeed every 20 minutes in normal conversation. Talking about someone = thinking about someone = not much room in their head for you.

d. Talking about marriage/love/never leaving you within five dates. They are either fantasists, trying to get over another relationship, or not actually seeing you for who you are; just someone to go out with. You will be disappointed. Do not believe them. If they are still saying the same thing after 20 dates, you're fine. (I always fall for this one, by the way, so don't think I don't know what I'm talking about.)

e. Do not ever go out with anyone who plays golf (unless they do it ironically)

f. Or physicists

g. Or therapists (unless you think your cat is a baby, in which case proceed)

h. Or men who have profile pictures apparently shot at twilight with a disposable camera

i. Or at their computer lit by their screen

j. Or naked

k. Remember: if you have a degree, NVQ is not enough

l. If the face shot's not straight on, he's not a looker. If he posts a picture of his cock, he thinks he's dirrrty, but is in fact just looking for whatever everyone else is looking for. I'd avoid him if I were you, though.

m. Bad spelling and/or lazy grammar. This particular point means I always end up going on dates with copywriters and journalists, but that's another story. I'd look out for the IT boys who can write. They're always more interesting than you think.

n. People who don't have a picture up are suspect, unless they've hidden it and it's only available to their favourites.

o. If he likes salsa or ceroc dancing, mentions his car, has a photograph that suggests the interior decor of a blind man, lives with his mother, or marks 'Likes KFC' in his profile, just don't.

p. If he's online EVERY NIGHT, either both his legs are broken or he hasn't got any friends and never goes out.

q. I am suspicious of people who don't sound like they swear. Ever.

r. Pictures that were shot in a studio. By a 'professional' photographer.

s. What, exactly, does "I live life to the full" mean?

t. "I like feminine women" means a) he is gay; b) likes tiny women with crispy blonde hair who squeak, get waxed every week and never let "their man" see them without full slap on. (They like fake pink Juicy Couture 'sweatsuits' too, by the way.)

u. Excessive use of exclamation marks, unless obviously ironic

v. Or LOL (obv)

w. No, they're not really looking for marriage.

x. If their favourite books, films and music shows rubbish taste, avoid

y. Mistrust men who like West End musicals (except Sondheim at the National, bien sur)...

z. ... or who think Cirque du Soleil is 'a magical experience'.

Ballooning Senior Citizen Love - And All Thanks To Online Dating

2006-06-01T23:15:00.000+01:00

It really has been quite a week at Datingmonkey Towers. Our postbags have been stuffed to bursting with testimonials from happy couples, each and every one swearing by the power of online dating.

But this is the one that really pulled my monkey heartstrings.

Betty and Raymond, both 93, were both feeling isolated. Recently bereaved, they were living in retirement homes at opposite ends of the country (Raymond in St Ives, Betty in Aberdeen) - and although they shared their days with similarly jolly OAPs (some more continent than others), the real source of their isolation was their love of balloon sculpture which, although bringing them great personal and private joy, often left others confused.

Betty finally took the plunge last May, and posted an ad on Guardiansoulmates.co.uk. Ray picks up the story: "I had a feeling in my waters that morning, which is no mean feat - first time since 1984, if I'm honest - and I just had to try out this dating on the line. My great-great-niece encouraged me, took a really nice photograph of me in my jacket, and 'posted' it for me. I could hardly believe it when Betty sent me an electronic memo the next day via the fax machine - there she was, as pretty as a picture, holding on tightly to a balloon sculpture of the new partially-built Wembley Stadium!"

Betty and Ray married last month, and are pictured here with their own inimitable artists' impression of their wedding day.

I'm Fat: Can I Find Love Online?

2006-06-01T22:51:00.000+01:00

Hell, yeah! Mike and Nikki met via Datingdirect.com last November, and were recently married in Dungeness Town Hall. Nikki's daughter, Kylie, was chief bridesmaid, with Mike's first daughter from his 3rd marriage in place as Matron of Honour.

Cat and Dog Logic Applied To Internet Dating: Pt 2

2006-06-01T15:20:00.000+01:00

"Although I am an irritating lapdog, it is in my best interests that my owner finds love online for then they will be happy, and take me for little runs when they go on a 'walk in the park' with their new paramour. Therefore, I will not obstruct access to their computer. Wanna touch my neckerchief?"

"Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Dead eyes, with feathers behind. Me. Me. Me. Food. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Stroke me. Me. Evil. Evil. Kill. Kill."