Friday, March 24, 2006

Datingmonkey's Internet Dating Advice

Worried about how to write your profile? Anxious about showing your best side in your photograph? Not sure what to do when someone attaches a picture of their cock to an email? Want to know if she thinks her cats are babies?

Worry no more. For I, Datingmonkey, am here to answer all your internet dating questions, big or small. Send them in. Replies guaranteed.

Dear Datingmonkey
I've been emailing someone who sounds really nice. We've got a lot in common (we both like snuggling up on the sofa with a DVD and a bottle of red wine), and he, like me, is a real glass half full person who also lives life to the full.
The thing is yesterday he sent me an email with a picture of his 'erect penis' attached. What should I do?
Concerned of High Wycombe

Dear Concerned
I am afraid I couldn't possibly comment until I've seen the pic. Could you send it in?
Thanks -
DM x

Hey there, Datingmonkey!
Wassup? I like dwarves. Can I find love online?
Jason K, East Grinstead

Wassup Jason!

Dear Datingmonkey
I literally can't fucking understand why all the women I write to online ignore me. It's quite fucking obvious that I'm good looking - and what MORE evidence do these women need that I'm successful other than my '£250,000+' wage bracket and Porsche? I've lived abroad for some years and have a house in Provence for weekends away. Either they're all blind, or society's gone mad.
What am I doing wrong?
Miles, Knightsbridge

Dear Miles
Thanks for your letter. Sorry to hear you're finding the search for that special someone so challenging.
What are you doing wrong? You're a twat.
Hope that helps.

Dear Datingmonkey,
Do you have a problem with excessive body hair? And is that why you are called Datingmonkey and do a lot of online dating?
JL, Hampstead

Dear JL
Thank you for your enquiry. The answer is that after many years of trying, I have - more or less - got my excess body hair problems under control. I am called Datingmonkey because I am, and I am doing online dating because I can.
All good wishes,

Dear Datingmonkey
I have been reading your blog and you sound like that fucking woman who went on and on about poetry and 'forgot her purse'. Is that you?
Mark, Brighton

Dear Mark
Good to hear from you after all this time. Can I have my keys back?

Dear Dating Monkey,
Greetings from IT Support!! I'm Marc (with a C mind!) from sunny Surrey earning an honest crust fixing peoples' computers - I can't say where but let's just say I can see Canary blummin Wharf from my window!! I have been single for some time and need your advice - basically my job and my hobbies (anything Star Trek/Wars and Robot Making/Wars related) seems to put the laydees off - that and perhaps my acne. Any advice for 'spicing' up my profile? Pic or no pic?
Yours hopefully!!!!
MarC Apsall

Dear MarC
First of all, may I congratulate you on your name. It suggests continental mystery, and a certain facility with a bottle opener - a good start in anyone's books. Second of all, some basic advice: go to the doctor, or buy some Clearasil.

I can see that your interests might seem that you are - how can I put this? - a little 'unusual'. I can also imagine how difficult it must be to meet ladies: during the day, they see you merely as 'IT" (a tip here: do introduce yourself before you get on your knees under their desk to plug their computer back in); at night and in your other 'free time', you are probably mixing with other men a little like you, and perhaps some ladies that are indistinguishable from the gentlemen.

However, the great joy of the online is that it can access - as you will know only too well - millions and millions of ladies. There is no doubt in my mind that there is someone out there who you can cuddle up to on the sofa with over a game of Star Wars Top Trumps.

My simple tip, dear MarC, is to be honest in your profile. Explain your interests. Put them out there for the world to see. Be yourself. And yes - always a photograph. Of your newly blemish-free, smiling face turning towards the world, ready to meet the woman of your dreams - perhaps brandishing a Light Sabre for that added spice?

In the meantime, I have done a little research for you. Unfortunately the link I found is enormous and seems to do something awful to my formatting, but if you type 'Star Wars Dating Advice' into Google, you will find a link to a super little page that uses Chewbacca and his friends as the basis for what I can only describe as very sound dating advice. I would also suggest Match.Com (much to my distress), which seems the site most likely to provide you with the woman of your dreams.

Good luck, and do let me know how you get on.

May the force be with you!


Dear Datingmonkey
I've put a photo of myself on Guardiansoulmates that was taken about five years ago. I've put on quite a lot of weight since then. I don't look that bad but I think that it might optimistic to describe myself as 'average'. 'Porky' is more accurate, I think, but I can't choose that option, and 'a few extra pounds' suggests that if I don't wash every day, I might get bad smells caught in folds. What should I do?
Look forward to hearing from you.
Jackie, Braintree

Dear Jackie
Thanks for your question. It's a difficult one. I have not been blessed with the best of figures but am, as the years pass, becoming accustomed to it knowing, as I do, that if I cared that much, I'd be thinner. Anyway, here's the thing. There's no point in lying about the way you look because you may meet them and unless they are blind, or wearing a very big hat in the dark, they are going to see exactly what you look like. You could either stop doing internet dating until you're OK with a photo of yourself taken in the last 3 months, or you could just be honest about it and maybe describe yourself a bit more in your profile. For example if you are tubby round the middle, but have lovely legs, you could say that. Also don't forget that not all men like slim ladies (although most do). Don't get cross about it, be honest, and you'll be surprised at what happens. And best of all there are some men (more than you would think) who either don't care, or quite like it. The most handsome man I have ever met in my life liked me although I am quite the porker. So, be honest, or join Weight Watchers. That's my advice.
Good luck!

Dear Datingmonkey
I am 26, blonde, size 8 and quite bright. I've been doing online dating for a week now and every day I receive anything up to 30 emails. 4,321 people have marked me as their 'favourite'. I don't really know what to do. I really do feel that I should reply to them all and say 'thanks but no thanks' as honestly lots of them sound really sweet, but I just don't think we'd have much in common.
Thanks very much.
Josie, Fulham

Dear Josie
My advice? Stop your whining, and get stuck in.
Cheers -

Dear Datingmonkey
I am in the autumn of my life and would like to share what little I have with a lovely lady. I'm not asking for much, just some kindness, patience and good company. I keep a nice house and go on a foreign holiday twice a year, that I would like to share with a special person. Other things the lady might like to know is that I belong to the local Rotary club and enjoy having a pint with my friends on Friday night. I am 64. Do you think it's too late to find love?
Yours sincerely
Jeff, Cheltenham
PS I am quite au fait with the internet since I did a course at the Adult Education Centre, so I am happy to try out internet dating!

Dear Jeff
What a lovely letter to receive. The first thing to say is that I think we are all looking for 'kindness, patience and some good company', and there is no reason why your age should get in the way. I am sure that you will find lots of lovely women who would love to meet you, so my advice is that you try or, and see what happens. Give it some time though and make sure you feel really comfortable before you meet. I am sure your instincts are good but I have read recently of a certain lady in the Cheltenham area who is, from what I have gleaned, a little opportunistic. So as I say trust your own obvious good sense, and don't open a joint bank account until you've been married a couple of years.
Good luck Jeff!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Dating Monkey,

Greetings from IT Support!! I'm Marc (with a C mind!) from sunny Surrey earning an honest crust fixing peoples computers - I cant say where but lets just say I can see Canary blummin Wharf from my window!! I have been single for some time and need your advice - basically my job and my hobbies (anything Star Trek/Wars and Robot Making/Wars related) seems to put the laydees off - that and perhaps my acne. Any advice for 'spicing' up my profile? Pic or no pic?

Yours hopefully!!!!

MarC Apsall

9:26 AM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Dear MarC,
As you will see, I have answered your wonderful question. I am as yet unable to manipulate my 'blog' with quite the dexterity that you probably could, probably because my monkey paws are not enormously agile.
Hope it helps

9:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Datingmonkey,
Please, help me with the following:
A gentleman contacted me since I had a picture posted in a site for singles. We communicated for about two month since I was traveling. In one or two of his e-mails, he wrote: if you do not like me when we meet in person, you just stop writing to me and that is it" . I re-assured him that the person, in general, his spirit, his heart and the entire "package", so to speak, was more important than the looks and that at that point, it did not really matter the outside but the person that he was.
The day we had to meet, just a few hours before the time of the rendezvous, I got sick of my stomach due to fish that I had eaten the night before. I had to go out twice to by things at the health food stores, in order to get better. The unexpected conditions I was in and the traveling to the stores made me was time and I was late for the appointment. The gentleman was waiting for me. I called him to his cell phone and advised him I was late. He told me not to worry and that he was waiting for me. When I arrived and apologized for the incident, he asked me what had happened to me. I told him the truth and I informed that I could not accept his invitation to dinner at that moment due to my stomach conditions. He did not want to go to the restaurant for tea or else and said that I better go to my house and rest. He gave me a red rose and told me you look lovely. I extended my hand and said ït has been nice meeting you". He did the same thing and we both left in our respective cars. He looked at me in detail and did not get very close to me. I do not think that he would have extended his hand if I had not done so.
Before the meeting in person, every morning he wrote an e-mail to me and told me to have a good day and was very excited about having meet me. After the meeting in person, the next two mornings, he neither wrote to me nor telephoned me to as how I was feeling from my sick stomach. I felt disappointed and cancelled almost all his e-mails and thought that he had felt that I was either looking too old or that my nose was too long, etc.
Subsequently, I remembered that he had suggested that if I did not like him after meeting in person, I had to stop writing to him. I thought :"Maybe, he expects me to call him or write to him if I like how he looks and I want to see him again and I am not doing so while I expect him to call or write to me to see how I feel". I decided to look on the Internet to answers to : Internet singles dating etiquette . I found information about you.
MY QUESTION TO YOU IS: Should I contact him either via e-mail or telephone and what should I say to him. Also, what would be the correct etiquette behaviour in this situation.
Thank you.
Kind regards

5:34 PM  

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