Saturday, April 01, 2006

Frequently Asked Internet Dating Etiquette Questions

Here are some situations that come up the whole time, so here's what I'd do in the same situation. The advantage of the online is anonymity, but I think you should behave as you would in 'real' life. That's not to say there isn't scope to be extravagantly rude if someone's going ON and ON ...

"I'm meeting someone next week but he won't tell me what his surname is or give me his mobile number."

Good Lord, why not? It's quite simple: either he does, or you don't meet him. What's he got to hide? A wife and 3 children?

I have met someone and I think he's absolutely amazing. I think he might be The One. Should I tell him?

Are you actually, literally, mad?

"Someone has sent me an email but I don't like the look of them. They sound sweet, and have put a lot of effort in. Do I ignore them?"

No. Email them back, thank them for writing, say you're not sure that you're compatible, and wish them luck.

"I emailed someone telling him I wasn't interested twice, and he keeps emailing me."

Ignore him. If it keeps going on, block him.

"A man sent me a picture of his cock and I didn't want him to."

Block him. End of. Unless you like the look of his cock. But that's up to you. Someone sent me a Powerpoint presentation once of 12 pictures of their knob, from 'resting' to - well ... anyway, I have nerves of steel so I just thought it was funny, but if you DON'T think this kind of thing is funny, and if they haven't asked you if you want to see pictures of their knob, then block them and report them to the site. Sounds a bit harsh, but if something makes you feel weird, then don't put up with it.

"I went on a date with someone who was OK, but I don't really want to see them again - not even as friends. I've got enough of those, and I didn't fancy him."

Email him the next morning thanking him for a nice evening, say you don't think you're compatible but that you enjoyed meeting him, and wish him luck.

"I went on a date with someone. It went well. He said he wanted to see me again, but it's been a week and I haven't heard from him."

He doesn't want to see you again, does he? People often say stuff like "we really must do this again!" because it's easier than saying, "Well, thanks for spending the evening with me, but on balance, and having listened to what you have to say, and having seen you in real life, I don't think I'm really interested." Only be pissed off if you paid for all the drinks or travelled a long way. Otherwise, put it down to experience and go on a date with someone else. And no, there's nothing wrong with you. Unless of course this happens every single time.

(I really can't fathom why people do this. Just sending a simple email the next morning is good manners, reasonable, and nothing to be frightened of doing. You're going to piss someone off much more by letting them think they're going to see you again. The only good thing about this is that I automatically dismiss people like this as lily-livered cockmonkeys. No, I'm not bitter.)

I have been on 8 dates with someone who I really like and we talk and email every day. We get on really well but he hasn't kissed me and I don't think that he's interested in me in that way. Should I ask him?

Bit of a tricky one this. If you get on that well and have seen each other that much, I think it's probably reasonable (bearing in mind the fact you met on a site about meeting someone for Womance) to ask. Not in a stalkery way, but in a nice, straightforward way.

There's a (very small) chance that he might be waiting for you to make the first move. There's an outside chance that he's been burnt badly and doesn't want to rush into anything. There's a tiny, tiny chance that he's in love with you for your mind. It's vaguely possible that he might be freaked out by womantic relationships, but if that's the case, have you really go the energy to deal with that?

You know what, after 36.5 years, numerous relationships, and loads and loads of dates, I know one thing and one thing only: if someone likes you, and you like them, you just end up kissing anyway. You can wait and wait to find out with this one, but it doesn't sound like you're going to be more than friends. But know what? Friends is really good. And isn't it fab that you met on the online? What you shouldn't do, though, is spend hours dissecting it with your friends. Just ask him. The evidence is there, if you ask me, but get it from the horse's mouth and move on, having met a new and lovely pal.

And anyway, as my Mum always says, he might have a brother.

I've been on a few dates with someone and we've slept with each other. I haven't heard from him for a week or so. Should I call him?

Well, assuming he's not in hospital, or there hasn't been a death in the family - you haven't heard from him for over a week, so he's obviously not that interested. If you want to call him to hear that from his tone of voice, go right ahead. Alternatively, you could keep your dignity, shout NEXT! and go on a date with someone else.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear datingmonkey, you give such good advice that the Daily Mirror should give you Marje Proops old typewriter and tell you to "go girl" like they do on some of those odd american television programs that i sometime see on daytime TV. Sadly, I can't do that funny arm action on the computer without getting one of those vido camera doodas and my benefit cheque won't stretch to one of those. You are a wise old monkey. Best wishes from a friend. P.S. I am surprised there are not more comments on this site. Do you think you should get someone to do some advertising for you? You should be earning millions from your wisdom.

6:40 AM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Dearest Correspondent
Thak you very much for your extremely kind words. I almost wonder if you are my mum being cunning and slipping in a piece of fan mail.
I am very keen to write a book about all of this as it goes but would be happy to set it up as a charitable foundation for the benefit of the world, possibly funded by
Thanks again
All love
DM x

11:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A gentleman contacted me since I had a picture posted in a site for singles. We communicated for about two month since I was traveling. In one or two of his e-mails, he wrote: if you do not like me when we meet in person, you just stop writing to me and that is it" . I re-assured him that the person, in general, his spirit, his heart and the entire "package", so to speak, was more important than the looks and that at that point, it did not really matter the outside but the person that he was.
The day we had to meet, just a few hours before the time of the rendezvous, I got sick of my stomach due to fish that I had eaten the night before. I had to go out twice to by things at the health food stores, in order to get better. The unexpected conditions I was in and the traveling to the stores made me was time and I was late for the appointment. The gentleman was waiting for me. I called him to his cell phone and advised him I was late. He told me not to worry and that he was waiting for me. When I arrived and apologized for the incident, he asked me what had happened to me. I told him the truth and I informed that I could not accept his invitation to dinner at that moment due to my stomach conditions. He did not want to go to the restaurant for tea or else and said that I better go to my house and rest. He gave me a red rose and told me you look lovely. I extended my hand and said ït has been nice meeting you". He did the same thing and we both left in our respective cars. He looked at me in detail and did not get very close to me. I do not think that he would have extended his hand if I had not done so.
Before the meeting in person, every morning he wrote an e-mail to me and told me to have a good day and was very excited about having meet me. After the meeting in person, the next two mornings, he neither wrote to me nor telephoned me to as how I was feeling from my sick stomach. I felt disappointed and cancelled almost all his e-mails and thought that he had felt that I was either looking too old or that my nose was too long, etc.
Subsequently, I remembered that he had suggested that if I did not like him after meeting in person, I had to stop writing to him. I thought :"Maybe, he expects me to call him or write to him if I like how he looks and I want to see him again and I am not doing so while I expect him to call or write to me to see how I feel". I decided to look on the Internet to answers to : Internet singles dating etiquette . I found information about you.
MY QUESTION TO YOU IS: Should I contact him either via e-mail or telephone and what should I say to him. Also, what would be the correct etiquette behaviour in this situation.
Please reply.
Thank you.
Kind regards

5:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it would be good to simply say: "it was good to meet in person & that you are better."
See what happens!

2:40 PM  

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