Friday, April 07, 2006

Some Types of Gentlemen And Their Profiles

As you embark upon your search for Digi-Love, you will find that gentleman callers on the line can be classified into what I like to call Types.

They are, broadly, thus:



a) Mr Businessman;
b) Intellectual Freakshow;
c) The Nearly Published.

1a) Mr Businessman

These people always use pictures taken for their online corporate manual. They say things like:

"Equipped with an MBA, and following a successful term at Harvard Business School, I nevertheless find the challenge of running our leading international team of coffee futures consultants a challenging and rewarding task. But it's not all work and no play - that would make Jack a very dull boy indeed! I have a number of interests, all of which I excel at - partly because I am a stranger to failure. I travel a lot being important. I am looking for a feminine woman who takes care of herself and likes to be treated well. My interests include scuba diving and rugby'.

They are always over 6ft, clean shaven, and are proud of the fact that they can park their Porsche (which they describe as 'a magnificent piece of engineering') next to the other Porsches in the company car park.

If you are a bit of an idiot but can read enough to remember bits out of the Economist and nod now and then, you will like these sorts of people. Do not under any circumstances expect them to have a point of view about books and things, but do be prepared for them to take a keen interest in how you are turned out, and hope they don't buy you underwear (they think red crotchless 'panties' are 'foxy and great fun'). On your first date they will take you to a slightly over-lit and over-designed bar somewhere rubbish like Broadgate and talk about themselves. Tell them you like their suit, borrow £20 for a cab home, and leave.

1b) Intellectual Freakshow

These ones have headlines on their profiles that quote stuff you've never heard of, in the hope that they will meet a similarly intellectual person that they can talk at. 'Dostoevsky seeks Idiot' would be funny, so they wouldn't do that. They also wouldn't be obvious, like "Buck seeks Molly" for example. They will go for some minor character in some really rubbish Chekhov play (a servant or something), and do a 'seeks' with someone that the character refers to once in Act 2 Scene IV. They don't realise that even really clever people like for e.g. Nancy Mitford and Molesworth. These people are a bit like Charles Tansley in To The Lighthouse (which they say they've read, but they've only read the first section).

They never have any money, smoke roll-ups, never buy dinner and think it's OK to go to a rubbish pub on the South Bank somewhere and buy you beer, hoping that their conversation will be adequate compensation for the fact that they don't know how to treat a lady nice, probably because they went to a minor public school in the middle of a field in Dorset and aren't sure what to do with ladies, further proven by the fact that they are always really rubbish in bed. They think they're being sensitive and stare moistly into your eyes a lot muttering snatches of Rumanian poetry sort of panting a bit. This will make you feel a bit sick. They dress with elaborate care, which means they often look like tramps. They smell like hamsters.

You might like them if you are doing an MA at Birkbeck in Literary Jurisprudence and are still wearing the glasses you got when you did your first degree. If you are these, and also a virgin, and Rumanian, that would be good.

1c) The Nearly Published

"I am currently working on two screenplays, one of which has been well-received by a number of literary agents, and have recently had a show at the Edinburgh Fringe. Next summer we go into production on my short film, based on the poetry of Emily Dickinson and shot in car parks in Swansea'.

What this actually means is: "I used to work in advertising, but always hated myself for it. So at weekends I wrote until my little fingers bled and now, to hang on to my last vestige of self-respect, I am re-branding myself as an artist'. They wear fancy schmancy spectacles they don't really need because they think it makes them look clever, and live in painfully self-conscious flats in North London.

You will really like these types of people if you too work in advertising, or if you write a lot of poetry that you enter into competitions that you never win, apart from that one you entered on the internet that cost you £10 and for which you received a medal and certificate. If you did a lot of acting when you were doing your English degree at Reading, you may also like these types. Or type 1b. You choose.


This one's easy. The more extreme the sport, and the more they do, the more boring they are. For e.g:

1 x scuba diving COULD = interested in the beauty of the underwater world. (Or likes wearing rubber.)
Scuba diving + mountaineering = keen outdoors type, possibly goes on long holidays
Scuba diving + mountaineering + trekking in Himalayas = keen outdoors type, definitely goes on long holidays
Scuba diving + mountaineering + trekking + abseiling = away a lot
Scuba diving + mountaineering + trekking + abseiling + flying planes = too much money, not much sense, away a lot
Scuba diving + mountaineering + trekking + abseiling + flying planes + polar exploration = Ranulph Fiennes and/or will die soon.

You will like these boys if you were still playing netball in the sixth form and know how to put up a tent. You won't be able to see their face in their profile because they only ever include photographs of themselves as tiny dots in a blue sky/completely covered in ski gear/in a scubadiving outfit.


These ones are usually 38 but dress like they're 26 and live in Shoreditch. They think they're cool because they watch Nathan Barley and get all the jokes. They haven't quite realised that Shoreditch stopped being cool 5 years ago. They also haven't realised that 'cool' isn't cool anymore. So saying, their jobs sound cooler than they are. They are one of the following: advertising 'creatives' (i.e., take other peoples' ideas, make them a bit shit, then sell them to unsuspecting clients); 'Designer', meaning web designer working at at home; 'work in the music business', meaning work in a sound studio.

You will like these people if you are 25 and easily impressed.


Total genius.

"Hello ladies I am GIOVANNI new to London loking for fun with prety and kind ladies. So I like the animals, and also to hold hands. if you would like to meet for some sexy fun you contact me? So we start like friends, then we developp. Look forward to seeing you."

What is so sad is that a lot of them are breathtakingly handsome, with 10 PHds.


Keen on the Guardian, but probably reads it online because of the terrible waste of paper. Not that much between this one and the Intellectual Freakshow, if I'm honest, but these people may well have spent times in trees and wear matted jerseys that blend in with their hair.

"There is nothing more beautiful than being at Stonehenge when the sun is coming up. I believe in watching my eco-footprint and I believe that even vegetables have souls. I am looking for a free spirit, happy to walk bare-footed through life with me, occasionally stopping to drink some home-pressed cider and make a tofu bake. I work as a care assistant in the NHS but in the summer spend my time at festivals. You'll find me by the rainbow flag trying to touch the sun!!!"

Oddly, most of these people live in council flats in Peckham. Good luck to 'em, I say. You will like them if you believe in crystals, Nick Drake, recycling, bicycling, and not washing that much.


It's 60% of the men out there. Swear to you. They all look exactly the same. They live in places like High Wycombe or Merton or just outside Swindon. They have a company car (it's a 3-series BMW, and they love it), and they are just really nice, really ordinary people with no psychological problems, lots of good mates they seem to spend all their time on stag weekends with, and a good line in short-sleeved shirts that they wear outside their trousers. They have no facial hair and make sure they have a trim once a month. Their socks match, and their houses are clean. They should really have married Jackie from the 6th form but she moved to London and it's a bit late - she works in the media now and he always feels that she's laughing at him a bit.

I wish I wanted to be with a man like this, but I fear I would kill myself within the year. You will like them if you spend a lot of time emailing people on Friends Reunited and if you really, really want to settle down and have kids.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent, love it!
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1:30 PM  

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