Thursday, May 18, 2006


Dear Datingmonkey

I have had 6 dates with a gentleman caller off of the internet. I slept with him on dates 1-3, had a brief fumble on date 4, and a cheek-kiss on date 5. On date 6, however, he didn't touch me at all, not even by accident. I also haven't heard from him for over a week.

What does it mean?

Yours anxiously,

Jackie, Ruislip

My dear Jackie

Thank you for your enquiry.

Well, regardless of the shagging part, if you haven't heard from him, he's not interested. Why he's not interested I couldn't tell you, and I'm not prepared to speculate.

Well, actually, I am.

1. He was after a quick round of cacher le saucisse, as my imaginary French penpal Henri used to say, but not after a 'relationship'

2. He slept with you before he decided if he liked you or not. You are a girl, therefore you assumed that he slept with you because he liked you. Wrong. He slept with you, then decided he didn't like you that much, so didn't bother with a repeat viewing.

3. You smell weird. That's not the same as smelling bad. Some people just smell weird. It's something to do with hormones and that.

4. You smell.

5. You are foxy, but a fucking idiot.

6. You lie on your back in bed staring at the ceiling and wincing.

7. You showed him your 'special drawer', and he was afraid.

Either way, it doesn't really matter. You're not going to see him again.

But what can you learn from this? Easy. Don't sleep with someone on the first date. Or the second. Or the third. Or even more than that, if you don't feel like it. Not from some fucking stupid adherence to the cunting 'Rules', but because you get to know someone and find out if they're the kind of cock who shags you a few times, and then stops calling.

Hot love



Anonymous johnnyboy said...

Well, putting it off won't really tell you that, will it ? Men can be terribly persistent - thrill of the chase, and all that. Even if you finally deign to fuck him on the 10th date, he might as easily disappear shortly thereafter. Ah, men - fuck them. I mean it, fuck them (i.e. me), fuck them right now !

BTW, I have a feeling Henri might have pretended to be french just to be your imaginary friend. It's la saucisse (but le saucisson - gender depends on size, apparently).

1:18 AM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Dear Correspondent

Thank you for your correction.

Having lived in Paris as a child, I unfortunately still make the same grammatical mistakes that a native French 12 year old might make. Anyway, I've changed it.

(Out of interest: why do people bother to leave comments correcting spelling? I've never understood it.)

On your other comment, yes, I see your point. A good one, as it goes. I assume, I suppose, that you decrease your chances of being fucked and ignored if you spend some time getting to know someone so you can, you know, use your judgement.

As for the 'men being persistent' thing - well, what kind of fucking twat would have 10 dates with someone just to fuck them and never see them again? I'm sure there are men like this, but there can't be that many who are that stupid.

In conclusion: most people are pretty normal and are probably better off spending a bit of time getting to know someone first if they want to avoid being hurt. But I say 'most people'. Not you, or me.

With love

DM x

10:48 AM  
Anonymous johnnyboy said...

Agreed, overall. I just thought I'd post that comment as a warning to the less sophisticated among your readership. There are plenty of men willing to go the distance for that elusive fuck. And there are plenty of men who lose all interest after said fuck, be it on the 1st or 10th date. Are these men fucking twats ? Most assuredly. But I beleive they are more numerous than you think. I blame biology, as biology has a very thick skin.

As for the correcting, well I would never correct your english spelling. But being of the french persuasion, my didactic side becomes irrepressible in the face of french grammatical errors. I do it all for your own good, I assure you.

3:26 PM  

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