Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Strange Men I Have Met From Doing Internet Dating

My judgment went on holiday for a few years. I think it had a good time, but it knew it had to come back eventually. Now it chooses wisely and well, and I, as a result, am happier. Don't get myself in as many harum-scarum scrapes, mind you, but this monkey is 36 now and too old for that nonsense.

Still, put 'em all together, and these stories will help you understand that you shouldn't spend time with:

1. The insane
2. Alcoholics
3. Daily Mail journalists
4. Immensely tall Canadians
5. Men who drive purple Lotuses.

The Strange Men I Have Met From Doing Internet Dating:

1 x therapist. Bonkers. Lived in a bedsit in Stoke Newington with two tiny cats and held my hand a lot. We had a strange evening stranded in a cheap hotel in Brighton on nylon sheets. Nothing happened, mind you. Must have been the sweat. He would sit cross-legged at my parties and my friends thought he was nice. He wasn't really, but he did remind me how good 'National Express' by the Divine Comedy is.

1 x complete and utter fucking lunatic met through someone I met on an internet date, setting off a chain of events including trying to launch a branded disposable golf tee in Cardiff, a fight in a bar in France, an ex-girlfriend who lurked like a ghost, another fight or two (including one in a car park in Swansea), an incident in a house in Devon involving a roast chicken, a visit to Safeway, a bottle of Chateau Talbot, a walk on which I was 'accidentally lost', a dog, a blowjob in a conservatory and my ex-best friend, a sheepskin rug, a comedy house sign, endless trips to Wales and back, a pie in Bad Bend Cottage, ghost-like ex girlfriend turning up in to my birthday party in a hippy skirt, 5 Welshmen in my flat in London, embarrassingly soulful singing, truly appalling poetry (awarded only by the internet), and occasional hand holding.

He has now, I think, lost touch with all his friends and lives in the hills in Wales with a plasterer (male) and keeps in occasional touch with his 4 children by different women.

1 x novelist. Bizarre evening in a pub in Pimlico. Handsome but unhinged. I read his novel afterwards. It was awful.

1 x enormously tall Canadian.Started telling me his secrets, bought me cocktails, offered nights at the Savoy drinking more cocktails then disappeared without a trace. (NB: he thought I might comment upon him in my blog. I said I wouldn't. Then he didn't bother to get in touch. Go figure, as I am sure he would have said.)

1 x bi-polar posh boy who played me Allanis Morissette, read me his poetry, and sent me photographs of other women's breasts

1 x man who brought his car steering wheel on our date and then got stuck in his Lotus trying to leave.

1 x journalist for the Daily Mail with a strange mouth who ate underseasoned Persian food and dribbled.

1 x owner of stationery website who sat silently through dinner then left.

1 x alcoholic who took it upon himself to join me on holiday with my friends, encouraged my alcoholic ex-best-friend (AEBF) to drink, shagged her in the orchard, earned the nickname 'Colossus', and asked me to 'turn the radio down -some of us are trying to get some sleep' - in my own house. AEBF and he then tried to leave without saying goodbye, were discovered at the last minute, and ended up trying to drink themselves to death for weeks in AEBF's father's villa in Provence. Universally reviled by all, he sent me an unsigned cheque for some money he owed me with a thank you letter, and is now living with AEBF in her flat in Hammersmith.

Oh, and 3,241 men who I can't remember.


Anonymous Rachel said...

I think it's just Candadians in general... They don't necessarily have to be tall, eh?

2:00 AM  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Have I read this before?

2:17 AM  
Blogger Hatty said...

I love your blog, this is hilarious.

3:28 PM  
Anonymous johnnyboy said...

As a scarily tall canadian, I must apologize for the behavior of my brethren - I'm sure it had nothing to do with your delightful self. He probably had to leave to shovel the snow off his driveway, or fight off an infestation of beavers.
By the way, if I hear/see/read one more "canadian, eh ?" joke, I will start committing random murder. People, this was never funny, and started getting annoying about 2 decades ago.

5:49 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Listen, man, I love Canadians. I mean, he was great. He just didn't call me back. Must have been the dribbling.

Nothing to do with him being Canadian. More with him being an arse.

Oh yes.


7:29 PM  
Anonymous Skinnie said...

So what happened to that shitting chicken anyway - I paid good money for it and ended up with a packet of torn condoms.

9:49 AM  
Anonymous ModelElaine said...

This is absolutely hilarious! Sounds like we are in the same boat (I am 35 and dating online). So, one of your dates desperately wanted publicity, huh? I had one guy I dated who continually insisted that I mention him on my blog. That was a bit irritating, but no big deal, really. But then, I discovered, to my horror, that my dates started subscribing to my feed, so I stopped telling people about my blog. Period!

6:13 AM  

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