Saturday, June 03, 2006

Things To Watch Out For If You're Looking For A Gentleman Caller Online

You're going to love this. And don't thank me. It's entirely my pleasure. I just want to give something back to the world.

a. Establish type of relationship with mother. If good (loving, affectionate, slightly wry, for e.g.), proceed. If obsessive, avoid. If full of hate, try the Tavistock Centre or other local mental health centre

b. Work out how many friends they have. If lots, and if they are normal, proceed. If only one or two, work out if he lived alone in a box for 20 years. If so, run away. If no evidence of friends at all, just no. Unless you don't have any friends either, in which case you might be good for each other

c. If someone is over their ex, they do not mention them in their profile, or indeed every 20 minutes in normal conversation. Talking about someone = thinking about someone = not much room in their head for you.

d. Talking about marriage/love/never leaving you within five dates. They are either fantasists, trying to get over another relationship, or not actually seeing you for who you are; just someone to go out with. You will be disappointed. Do not believe them. If they are still saying the same thing after 20 dates, you're fine. (I always fall for this one, by the way, so don't think I don't know what I'm talking about.)

e. Do not ever go out with anyone who plays golf (unless they do it ironically)

f. Or physicists

g. Or therapists (unless you think your cat is a baby, in which case proceed)

h. Or men who have profile pictures apparently shot at twilight with a disposable camera

i. Or at their computer lit by their screen

j. Or naked

k. Remember: if you have a degree, NVQ is not enough

l. If the face shot's not straight on, he's not a looker. If he posts a picture of his cock, he thinks he's dirrrty, but is in fact just looking for whatever everyone else is looking for. I'd avoid him if I were you, though.

m. Bad spelling and/or lazy grammar. This particular point means I always end up going on dates with copywriters and journalists, but that's another story. I'd look out for the IT boys who can write. They're always more interesting than you think.

n. People who don't have a picture up are suspect, unless they've hidden it and it's only available to their favourites.

o. If he likes salsa or ceroc dancing, mentions his car, has a photograph that suggests the interior decor of a blind man, lives with his mother, or marks 'Likes KFC' in his profile, just don't.

p. If he's online EVERY NIGHT, either both his legs are broken or he hasn't got any friends and never goes out.

q. I am suspicious of people who don't sound like they swear. Ever.

r. Pictures that were shot in a studio. By a 'professional' photographer.

s. What, exactly, does "I live life to the full" mean?

t. "I like feminine women" means a) he is gay; b) likes tiny women with crispy blonde hair who squeak, get waxed every week and never let "their man" see them without full slap on. (They like fake pink Juicy Couture 'sweatsuits' too, by the way.)

u. Excessive use of exclamation marks, unless obviously ironic

v. Or LOL (obv)

w. No, they're not really looking for marriage.

x. If their favourite books, films and music shows rubbish taste, avoid

y. Mistrust men who like West End musicals (except Sondheim at the National, bien sur)...

z. ... or who think Cirque du Soleil is 'a magical experience'.


Blogger Tired Dad said...

I take it the dating is not going too well if you are blogging at this time on a Saturday night.

Just found this. It is very good.

1:33 AM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Dear Tired Dad

3 options. You choose:

1. Went on a date last night that finished 2 hours ago.
2. Have been on 2 dates today, and the second was rubbish.
3. The object of my affections is in Lisbon for the weekend.

Why so tired?

Thank you for saying it's good.

DM x

1:46 AM  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

I cannot decide, but am sure all will become clear.

Why so tired? Boring insomnia. I would say read my horrid blog to find out more, but don't - it is unpleasant. And the last few posts will only make sense to the impossibly pathetic.

Thanks for link. Don't expect one back. I am curious to see if a blog can become successful without the 'hand-holding-we're-all-in-it-together' rubbish. Retract it if it's important to you.

Have briefly checked yours though - 'I Hate You' person is superb, so thanks for that.

3:09 AM  
Anonymous johnnyboy said...

Good stuff. Any A-Z for women's profiles ?

1:51 AM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Johnnyboy. You write it. Show me your teeth.

9:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I play golf (true I do play it for the irony) and I am a therapist.

I am still a complete bastard and hate it when dates bang on about their shit awful lives.

10:22 PM  
Anonymous johnnyboy said...

Here goes, then:

A. "I am as confortable in sweatpants as in an evening gown": a walking cliche, will bore you to tears within 10 minutes.

B. "I enjoy moonlit walks on the beach": ladies, life is not a fucking tampon commercial. You'll get to walk on that beach once or twice in your life, at best. Get real - telling what you eat for dinner every day is more relevant.

C. "Vegetarian": stay away.

D. "Vegan": RUN AWAY !

E. "I enjoy an evening out as much as staying in to watch TV" - see A.

F. "Socially aware": will bust your balls about every little damn thing.

G. "just looking for hot steamy no-strings attached sex": either a perv masquerading as a woman, or you're on a fake site

H. "beautyfull lady from russia wnats meet good man liking to treat lady good": only after all else has failed

I. "looking for financially secure man who will treat me right": will bleed you dry (you might have some fun while the money lasts, though)

J. "been disappointed before, will you be the right one ?": bitter, will blather constantly about her ex's.

K. "looking for soulmate with who I can become one": co-dependent, will move in with you after a week.

(it's getting late. I can add more later in the unlikely event that you still want it).

5:40 AM  
Blogger a-random-kiwi said...

"I'd look out for the IT boys who can write. They're always more interesting than you think"

Ah...a woman of exquisite taste!

6:03 AM  
Blogger Been Brun said...

I went out with a lady who was a physisicist and she was intelligent, chatty and a good laugh.

I would also say I am an IT boy who can write, so again great taste

10:57 AM  
Anonymous ModelElaine said...

Great post and not only that, but it is enjoyable to read your visitor’s feedback as well. I have to respond to Johnnyboy’s comment here

RE: “H. "beautyfull lady from russia wnats meet good man liking to treat lady good": only after all else has failed”

Funny, but not all Russians are that bad. I am Russian.

6:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fanatastic advice.
I'd just like to add men over 50 who answer Want children? with Maybe. Who are they kidding?

8:40 AM  

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