Sunday, May 28, 2006

How To Escape From A Bad Date

What do you do if, 3 minutes into a date, your realise he's pointless cockmonkey?

I have found that the usual methods (running away, shouting 'OH MY CHRIST YOU ARE NOT WHAT I WANTED' in his face, pretending best mate has phoned and is dead, etc), may be less effective than 'subtly' dropping any of the following into conversation:

- does he want kids?

- does he believe in marriage?

- would he like to come to church with you on Sunday and meet your parents at the same time?

- would he like to see a photograph of your cats?

- would he like to accompany you to Phantom of the Opera?

- would he mind if you licked his face?

- doesn't he agree that Jean-Marie Le Pen represents all that is true and right in the world?

- doesn't he agree that Julian Lloyd-Weber was the really talented one?

- doesn't he agree that everyone's over-reacting, and of COURSE Bush was right?

- does he agree with you that sex before marriage is wrong, but that God wouldn't want you to be unhappy, so it's OK to do 'anything but' as long as it's in the dark, because that way God can't see?

You can, of course, just leave when he goes to the bar. Or say 'I'm very sorry, but I don't think this is working for me'. In fact, you could be grown up and honest about it. But that's not as much fun, is it?


Blogger Johnny Wadd said...

The bush one is defiantly one way to get the boot, not sure if i wouldnt mind a little face licking though.

3:00 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Johnny dear. So very right.

5:31 PM  
Blogger Nukapai said...

In Brixton, huh? That was the first place I worked in when I came to UK about 14 years ago. One of my closest friends still lives there. Might bump into you one day. Or not.

10:10 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Well, we might bump into each other. I'm the one with the very hairy hands.

And I buy people pints of lukewarm beer if they want me to.

Your friend,


10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious! great picture also, Sheila.

11:50 PM  
Anonymous Bryanboy said...

Hilarious indeed.

I, on the other hand, have not been on a date since December 2005.

12:30 AM  
Anonymous johnnyboy said...

Hey, love the photo. But do my a favor, will ya ? Next time, just let me know when you're snapping one, I'll slick a bit more pomade in me hair.

4:29 AM  
Blogger Nukapai said...

I hate beer and I'm engaged, but hey, it might still be interesting to bump into you one day. ;)

12:24 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

I'm a lady who likes boys, not a lady who likes ladies, or a boy who likes ladies. And I don't like beer much either as it goes, but do watch out for the monkey hands anyway if you're in brixton.

Congratulations on the engagement - may I wish you every happiness.

With love

DM xx

12:26 PM  
Blogger Morris said...

monkey, want to hookup sometime? or at least chat on im? i think we have alot of similiar ideas and it would be great to have a meeting of the minds with you

1:04 PM  
Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

There was this guy who IM'd me on this dating site I belong to who, without introducing himself or saying hello even, told me he would pay me to smell my feet.

Not my ideal guy.

2:14 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Dearest Allen
You intrigue me! Do email me (click on the link on my blog) and we will see what we can do.
What do you have in mind? A cross-atlantic advice blog? Or are you in England, and have I misunderstood?
Yours ever
DM x

2:43 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Good god, Blair Bitch! Are you JOKING? I would of course have said yes, but only if he'd paid me.
Your friend
DM xx

2:44 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

God, whatever happened to casually just setting yourself on fire to end a date... I miss the old dating days.

2:52 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Fair point, although the one that REALLY works is setting their hair on fire. Works every time. I've tried it. I know.


3:08 PM  
Blogger Useless Man said...

I concur with Beth. Fire setting is tops in my book.

Also, the comic Howie Mandel had a tip for parents raising daughters. Don't potty train them. That way they are always home early on dates.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Nukapai said...

Oh, right. Oops? Well, as long as you're not a doorknob who likes crack, yeah, we could be onto something...

Uhm. Why did I think you were a bloke?

Anyway. INTERESTING. I am way overdue a Brixton visit, as my Finnish mate there is probably already thinking of taking me off her email list. Hmmmm.

11:57 AM  
Anonymous Clappier said...

Just tell him you have the clapp - simple, effective and no comeback.

9:53 AM  
Anonymous ModelElaine said...

LOL! That's pretty funny.

A while back I wrote something on the subject of how to get rid of a bad date. If you are interested, you can read it here how to get rid of a bad date. Would like to know what you think.

7:03 AM  

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