Saturday, May 27, 2006

Dog and Cat Logic Applied to Internet Dating


















Today, I give you the greatest gift of them all: Dog Logic. What is this thing, I hear you cry? Well, it's simple. When in doubt, think like a dog - a tactic that is particularly useful when you are doing internet dating.

It ain't that difficult. Just react the way a dog would. For e.g.:

I am hungry = I must eat
I am tired = I must sleep.
I see an arse = I must stick my nose in it. (OK if a dog, unless you go to That Sort Of Party, I suppose)
There is a tree = Piss.
There is a fire = Lie down and sleep.
There is a cat = Kill. (I heartily endorse this aspect of being a dog, as it goes.)

So, what have we learnt? Dogs look at the evidence before them, interpret it correctly, and act upon it.

Right, kidz, let's step it up a gear, apply it to internet dating, and see what happens.

Man has not replied to email = man not interested.

Man has not telephoned after date = man not interested.

Man has requested repeat viewing on first date = probably interested.

Man then follows up with telephone call again requesting repeat viewing = definitely interested.

Man enjoys second viewing, then does not request third viewing = you did that thing. Yes. That one. (Or showed picture of cat, you spazzer.)

Lady has licked her lips a lot and showed you a suggestion of bosom = fancies a rummage in a back alley.

Lady sits with legs and arms crossed frowning = thinks you are a tosser.

Lady shows you picture of cat = terminally insane

Lady tells you she is fat/ugly/boring over & over again = not worth the effort

Lady tells you she likes seeing you = she means it

Man tells you he likes seeing you = he means it

Man uses picture you took of him as profile picture when re-posts profile after you have split up = over you (oh, SO over you)

Man goes out with you, then goes out with ex-girlfriend, then re-posts profile = has split up with ex again, but still so over you.


Now let's think about cats. What do they do? They piss about being annoying and making faces that suggest there's some sort of existential analysis going on behind their empty eyes. Cats are in fact astonishingly stupid, which is why they eat mice and that. So, what happens when we apply cat logic to the same situations? Let's see, shall we.

Man has not replied to your email = yeah, well, he's like on holiday

Man has not telephoned after date = he's working really hard, but I know he likes me because he smiled. Once.

Man has requested repeat viewing on first date = I have a boyfriend.

Man then follows up with telephone call again requesting repeat viewing = I have definitely got a boyfriend.

Man enjoys second viewing, then does not request third viewing = he's just afraid of commitment.

Lady has licked her lips a lot and showed you a suggestion of bosom = lady has funny sticky lips and is a bit hot.

Lady sits with legs and arms crossed frowning = lady is very tired indeed and preoccupied with her terminal illness.

Lady shows you picture of cat = lady is lovely and I want her to stroke me

Lady tells you she is fat/ugly/boring over & over again = poor poor lady! I will stroke my head against her until she strokes me and makes me feel better too.

Lady tells you she likes seeing you = lady wants to go out with me! Must run away! Must run away!

Man tells you he likes seeing you = man wants to marry me! Must subscribe to Brides magazine!

Man uses picture you took of him as profile picture when re-posts profile after you have split up = he is sending me a signal that he loves me still by using a picture I took

Man goes out with you, then goes out with ex-girlfriend, then re-posts profile = he is sending me a signal that he still loves me by re-posting his profile, because he has lost my 3 email addresses, 4 phone numbers, can't remember where I live or work, and can't remember my surname.

Any wonder I spend most evenings out with a stun gun hunting down the local feline population?

12 Comments:

Anonymous Courtney-O said...

Hahaha. I'm with you - the only way I make it through all these dates is with humor. You should read all the stories I have under the category 'Dates From Hell' - I think you'd enjoy them.

Thanks for the comment on my space. Feel free to come back around anytime.

1:44 AM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

I have read your stories my dear, and they made me laugh my head off. Thanks for stopping by, as they say.

DM x

4:06 PM  
Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

I have three cats that would not be happy with this post, lol.

9:08 PM  
Anonymous johnnyboy said...

Sorry, but cats are the epitome of dating perfection. Females cats in heat will attract all the males in a 3 mile radius, let them beat the shit out of each other, then mate with the one still standing. That male will hurt her enough with the reversed horns on his penis that she'll be pissed off enough to not want to see him ever again (well, not until her next heat anyway). So both sexes are happy.
Bitches on the other hand will fuck with whatever dumbass canine is passing by. This is why you get wolfhound-dachsund mixes. Not terribly discriminating, that dog lot.

3:35 AM  
Anonymous jan said...

These are priceless!!! You totally captured the essence of the cat and the dog.

5:44 AM  
Anonymous BiBi Cambridge said...

I used to have a flatmate who was a cat person and an internet dater. Barking bloody mad if you ask me. This post made me laugh out loud and relish my decision to ask her to move out.

Kisses,

BiBi x

1:51 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Bibi, Jan, Blair Bitch, my dear friends - thank you for your comments.

Johnnyboy, you are NOT fair as your comments are really (may I say) jolly good and yet you give me no clue of who you really are. Do you like Sherbert Dib Dabs more than Sherbert Fountains, for example?

Yours in Dating

DM xx

7:54 PM  
Anonymous johnnyboy said...

hmm, am afraid that I can't properly answer your question, Monkey dearest. But what I can say is that I'd much rather have Skippy low-fat creamy than Jiffy extra-crunchy.

8:43 PM  
Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

DM and Johnnyboy, get a room. lol

10:31 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Johnny, why do you torment me so?
x

9:45 AM  
Blogger Sheila said...

Do you hate women or something?

10:37 AM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

No, I am a woman. I have many friends who are women. My mother is a woman, as were my two grandmothers. Why do you think I hate women?

Your friend

DM x

10:42 AM  

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