Dog and Cat Logic Applied to Internet Dating

Today, I give you the greatest gift of them all: Dog Logic. What is this thing, I hear you cry? Well, it's simple. When in doubt, think like a dog - a tactic that is particularly useful when you are doing internet dating.

It ain't that difficult. Just react the way a dog would. For e.g.:

I am hungry = I must eat
I am tired = I must sleep.
I see an arse = I must stick my nose in it. (OK if a dog, unless you go to That Sort Of Party, I suppose)
There is a tree = Piss.
There is a fire = Lie down and sleep.
There is a cat = Kill. (I heartily endorse this aspect of being a dog, as it goes.)

So, what have we learnt? Dogs look at the evidence before them, interpret it correctly, and act upon it.

Right, kidz, let's step it up a gear, apply it to internet dating, and see what happens.

Man has not replied to email = man not interested.

Man has not telephoned after date = man not interested.

Man has requested repeat viewing on first date = probably interested.

Man then follows up with telephone call again requesting repeat viewing = definitely interested.

Man enjoys second viewing, then does not request third viewing = you did that thing. Yes. That one. (Or showed picture of cat, you spazzer.)

Lady has licked her lips a lot and showed you a suggestion of bosom = fancies a rummage in a back alley.

Lady sits with legs and arms crossed frowning = thinks you are a tosser.

Lady shows you picture of cat = terminally insane

Lady tells you she is fat/ugly/boring over & over again = not worth the effort

Lady tells you she likes seeing you = she means it

Man tells you he likes seeing you = he means it

Man uses picture you took of him as profile picture when re-posts profile after you have split up = over you (oh, SO over you)

Man goes out with you, then goes out with ex-girlfriend, then re-posts profile = has split up with ex again, but still so over you.


Now let's think about cats. What do they do? They piss about being annoying and making faces that suggest there's some sort of existential analysis going on behind their empty eyes. Cats are in fact astonishingly stupid, which is why they eat mice and that. So, what happens when we apply cat logic to the same situations? Let's see, shall we.

Man has not replied to your email = yeah, well, he's like on holiday

Man has not telephoned after date = he's working really hard, but I know he likes me because he smiled. Once.

Man has requested repeat viewing on first date = I have a boyfriend.

Man then follows up with telephone call again requesting repeat viewing = I have definitely got a boyfriend.

Man enjoys second viewing, then does not request third viewing = he's just afraid of commitment.

Lady has licked her lips a lot and showed you a suggestion of bosom = lady has funny sticky lips and is a bit hot.

Lady sits with legs and arms crossed frowning = lady is very tired indeed and preoccupied with her terminal illness.

Lady shows you picture of cat = lady is lovely and I want her to stroke me

Lady tells you she is fat/ugly/boring over & over again = poor poor lady! I will stroke my head against her until she strokes me and makes me feel better too.

Lady tells you she likes seeing you = lady wants to go out with me! Must run away! Must run away!

Man tells you he likes seeing you = man wants to marry me! Must subscribe to Brides magazine!

Man uses picture you took of him as profile picture when re-posts profile after you have split up = he is sending me a signal that he loves me still by using a picture I took

Man goes out with you, then goes out with ex-girlfriend, then re-posts profile = he is sending me a signal that he still loves me by re-posting his profile, because he has lost my 3 email addresses, 4 phone numbers, can't remember where I live or work, and can't remember my surname.

Any wonder I spend most evenings out with a stun gun hunting down the local feline population?