The Secret Iconography of Profile Photographs
Alarmed by the amount of profiles that come up when you press 'Search'? Wondering how you're ever going to be able to read them all? Concerned that you'll miss 'the one' because your eyes don't work anymore?
The time of confusion is over, my friends. Have this handy guide by your side as you search the online for love, and discover how easy it is to sort the love wheat from the dating trash simply by looking at a tiny photograph on a profile.
WEARING SUNGLASSES
No eyes. Just empty sockets. Leading to a brain full of feathers.
TINY SPECK IN THE SKY IN PUFFY SUIT
Skydiver or Dangerous Sport Fan. May die soon.
RELAXING IN AN ENVIRONMENT THAT SUGGESTS A POOR EYE FOR INTERIOR DESIGN
No taste. I wouldn't be keen, myself, but then there's - well, no accounting for taste.
WITH DOG
Both caring. And sharing. Or blind - but check for white stick.
WITH CAT(S)
Weird.
WITH BABY
Knows what makes the ladies go 'aaaah'. Do not trust him.
IN PHOTO WITH ARM ROUND WOMAN CUT OUT OF PHOTOGRAPH
Divorced or separated. Probably bitter.
IN PHOTO WITH OTHER WOMAN
a. trying to prove he was once Getting It;
b. gay, with best friend (lady);
c. not over ex;
d. annoyingly hearty, and says "I'm crazy, me!"
IN 'PROFESSIONALLY TAKEN' PHOTOGRAPH
EITHER off-the-scale insecure OR an actor/tress OR really reckons themselves OR just weird. Either way, it's not good.
SMILING STRAIGHT AT CAMERA IN CANDID STYLE
Probably nice.
POUTING AT CAMERA
Probably an idiot (applies to men and women, obv)
LOOKING SIDEWAYS UP AT CAMERA AND POUTING
Definitely an idiot (ditto)
LYING IN BED ON SIDE LOOKING UP AT YOU FROM PILLOW
Reckons he is Mr Loverman. Usually a bit puffy and looks like he'd sweat a lot. An unsexy idiot. If it's a lady, she reckons she's all that, OR is called Pat, lives in Stevenage, has a husband in the army and a lot of 'needs'.
PLAYING A GUITAR
Smokes dope all day. Sensitive. Rough hands.
SHAVED HEAD, PHOTOGRAPHED AGAINST FRESHLY-CREOSOTED GARDEN FENCE SOMEWHERE LIKE WEMBLEY
Dangerous killer.
DRESSED IN AMUSING CLOTHES AND GURNING
Deeply insecure, actually quite nice, and thinks is only worthwhile if making everyone laugh.
IN CORPORATE SETTING IN SUIT
No friends as only picture he has is of self at work.
WITH CAR
Tiny cock. Obviously.
STARING MOODILY OUT OF WINDOW IN SEMI-DARKNESS
Ugly, but likes poetry.
RIPPLING TORSO
Cut photo out of Littlewood's Catalogue.
WEARING SURREALIST OUTFIT
Reckons is insteresting, therefore probably isn't.
The time of confusion is over, my friends. Have this handy guide by your side as you search the online for love, and discover how easy it is to sort the love wheat from the dating trash simply by looking at a tiny photograph on a profile.
WEARING SUNGLASSES
No eyes. Just empty sockets. Leading to a brain full of feathers.
TINY SPECK IN THE SKY IN PUFFY SUIT
Skydiver or Dangerous Sport Fan. May die soon.
RELAXING IN AN ENVIRONMENT THAT SUGGESTS A POOR EYE FOR INTERIOR DESIGN
No taste. I wouldn't be keen, myself, but then there's - well, no accounting for taste.
WITH DOG
Both caring. And sharing. Or blind - but check for white stick.
WITH CAT(S)
Weird.
WITH BABY
Knows what makes the ladies go 'aaaah'. Do not trust him.
IN PHOTO WITH ARM ROUND WOMAN CUT OUT OF PHOTOGRAPH
Divorced or separated. Probably bitter.
IN PHOTO WITH OTHER WOMAN
a. trying to prove he was once Getting It;
b. gay, with best friend (lady);
c. not over ex;
d. annoyingly hearty, and says "I'm crazy, me!"
IN 'PROFESSIONALLY TAKEN' PHOTOGRAPH
EITHER off-the-scale insecure OR an actor/tress OR really reckons themselves OR just weird. Either way, it's not good.
SMILING STRAIGHT AT CAMERA IN CANDID STYLE
Probably nice.
POUTING AT CAMERA
Probably an idiot (applies to men and women, obv)
LOOKING SIDEWAYS UP AT CAMERA AND POUTING
Definitely an idiot (ditto)
LYING IN BED ON SIDE LOOKING UP AT YOU FROM PILLOW
Reckons he is Mr Loverman. Usually a bit puffy and looks like he'd sweat a lot. An unsexy idiot. If it's a lady, she reckons she's all that, OR is called Pat, lives in Stevenage, has a husband in the army and a lot of 'needs'.
PLAYING A GUITAR
Smokes dope all day. Sensitive. Rough hands.
SHAVED HEAD, PHOTOGRAPHED AGAINST FRESHLY-CREOSOTED GARDEN FENCE SOMEWHERE LIKE WEMBLEY
Dangerous killer.
DRESSED IN AMUSING CLOTHES AND GURNING
Deeply insecure, actually quite nice, and thinks is only worthwhile if making everyone laugh.
IN CORPORATE SETTING IN SUIT
No friends as only picture he has is of self at work.
WITH CAR
Tiny cock. Obviously.
STARING MOODILY OUT OF WINDOW IN SEMI-DARKNESS
Ugly, but likes poetry.
RIPPLING TORSO
Cut photo out of Littlewood's Catalogue.
WEARING SURREALIST OUTFIT
Reckons is insteresting, therefore probably isn't.
posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 9:37 PM
16 Comments:
Totally clever. You really should collect these into book form.
How 'bout naked & holding a shotgun & grinning? (real ad)
Shirley, you are having a fucking laugh. Where?
x
So Mr. Datingmonkey, how do you know all of this? Hmmmmmmmm?
Um. I'm Miss Datingmonkey.
But don't let that worry you.
Yours ever
Datingmonkey(Miss)
xxx
I think you should do another one of these about women's profiles... like the ones where you open the page and all you see is a thong passing through an asscrack... I think it could be considered a sign of highly superior intelligence only to be surpassed by those who take "sexy" poses of themselves in the mirror and all we see is the flash reflecting off the glass. Those are the winners right there.
Rachel, I need your help. Can you think of any more? I've got:
Pouting like a twat
In high street makeover shot
With cat
With soft toys
Sporty Lass
Crystal Hippy lover
etc
x
Back when I was single I found so many of these to be true...and still went on dates with have of them...ack.
Now all you need to do is do a segment with the ladies photographs...it's all about "the angles"
:)
well u should do some piccy of people u dunno wot sex thay r.. kinda a trannyrama
Right you.
Have just read the whole lot. It is 24 carat.
Make the effort. Email that Frostrop woman from the Observer and ask who her agent is.
In answer to your questions:
Yes you can quote me.
No, I do this for fun. Not much fun, I admit.
I must go to bed. Have to be at work in 3 hours.
Oh and don't be alarmed by the puppy man. He seems harmless, yet I cannot understand a word he says.
Oh and what's your problem with cats? They are generally selfish, will give you affection only if they are convinced they will recieve something in return, will fuck off for weeks on end if they find something better and then come back when it's all dried up and expect some love. Then will spend the whole time sleeping.
I wish I were a cat. They are ace.
I'm not Rachel, but here's some real ones I've seen:
- Obese, sitting at kitchen table with obese kids
- Artistically over-contrasted with Photoshop to hide skin blemishes (note to would-be artists: if you can Photoshop it one way, often it can be Photoshopped right back).
- in front of scenery, taken from so far that face and body can barely be assessed.
- terrible webcam snapshot, with greenish light and distorted facial features (although usually it's guys who are guilty of that).
Oh lord, I have seen some awful photos of women on match.
Women with their hair scraped back revealing their greasy skin. Big fat women describing themselves as 'cuddly'.
Surely they have missed the point that men need to have drunk beer to look at them. Match cannot be taken seriously whilst sober.
Oh my GOD you rock! :-) I only found your blog today, but I haven't laughed THIS hard in a long time; I am going to link your blog later on today if you don't mind.
Best,
ariK
Ariadne
I am a bit in love with you for this comment so yes of course.
xxxx
You are right on the money! Love all of your posts!
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