Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Internet Dating Translation Tool

I know. Millions of profiles to plough through, and so little time to find the lady or gentleman of your dreams. But what does it all mean? When he says he likes dogs, does he mean he is blind? When she says weighs 'a few extra pounds', does she mean she weighs twenty stone and doesn't get out much?

Help is at hand. This handy guide will help you negotiate the hundreds of profiles that turn up when you press 'search'. First tip: when's the last time you believed someone who kept telling you they were honest? Exactly. With the online, you can't see the whites of their eyes. Still. Chin up!

"I love snowboarding, skydiving, scuba diving, bungee jumping and jumping off high things"
"I am an accountant. My name is Trevor. I live in Milton Keynes."

"I am looking for a woman who is as happy in a little black dress as she is in a pair of Wellington boots."
"My name is Henry, and I live in Gloucestershire. You will have to make room for Labby the Labrador in our marital bed. I love Nanny best."

"I enjoy going out and staying in."
"I will never have anything of any import to say about anything, ever."

"I am looking for a committed relationship."

"I am a commitmentphobe looking for a series of one-night stands with emotionally unstable women"

"I am just a normal guy looking for a normal woman. Looks not important."

"I am clinically insane, and rarely wash."

"Hi i am New to London, looking friends and Good Times!!!"

"I am from Russia, and looking for residency."

"My weight could be most accurately described as: a few extra pounds"
"I weigh at least 250lbs and have to do internet dating because I can't walk anymore. I have strange things caught in folds."


"I am a 42 year old woman"
"I am 50, and my husband has just left me for his 37 year old secretary, Patricia. I think they've been at it for years but I can't be sure. But I've pulled myself together, and I'm up and at 'em: no-one's going to stop me being happy."

"I am average looking."
"I fell hard from the ugly tree, hitting every branch on the way down."

"I am attractive"
"I am plain. You wouldn't remember my face if you were introduced to me twice, but I'm not actually ugly."

"I am very attractive"
"I look after myself and in a certain light, am not unattractive."

"I am very good looking."
"'I am a delusional, narcissistic fool."

"I like independent women."
"I refuse to commit, and I will be particularly reluctant to commit if you earn more than me and are funnier/more intelligent than me."

"I live life to the full."
"I do not know what I am saying."

"I am looking for someone to make me better."
"I am me, and I will not change, so don't even try it; just accept me for who I am."

"I often enjoy a round of golf"
"I am a twat."

"I've been concentrating on my career and have just noticed that all my friends are married with kids."
Two options here:
1. "Fuck me, better pay attention and get on with it"; or
2. "I have had to fill my life with work because no-one wants to go out with me."

"I like cuddling up on the sofa with a DVD and a bottle of red wine."
"I am so dull I can't think of anything else to do with the time I have left over from tending my terrapins."

As it goes everyone really likes doing this, but you shouldn't say it out loud. And for the record, you need at least 2 bottles.

"I can't believe I'm doing this!"
"I am a bit embarrassed that I am this desperate." Come on, love, we all are: it's fine.

"I can't believe I've had to resort to this."

"I am angry that someone has gorgeous as I am is like everyone else, really."

"Looks aren't that important to me."
"I care very much how someone looks, but don't think I'm good looking enough to be able to say that."

"I asked my friends how they'd describe me, and they said kind, funny, and generous to a fault."
"I have 3 friends: 2 men called Andy, and a woman called Helen I went out with once. We were all at university together."

Like people who are murdered (who are always described in the most glowing terms - do only the good die young, or was Joel pulling our legs?), friends ONLY ever say 'kind, generous, loving, funny'. And perhaps 'crazy'. Or 'kooky' if they're a girl. If I asked my friends what they thought of me they'd laugh until they couldn't speak.

"My friends can't believe I'm single."
"My friends ply me with consolatory words when I am being drunkenly maudlin."

More like they wish you weren't single, then they wouldn't have to hear you going ON AND ON about it the whole time and looking at them resentfully at couples-only dinner parties.

As it happens my friends can believe I'm single, but not in a bad way.

"I have just come out of a relationship."
"I need someone to make me feel better, for I am very, very lonely and confused."

Avoid. At all costs. Whatever you do. Really. They are not over it, whatever they say. If someone mentions an ex, or the fact that they've just come out of a relationship, it means they are still thinking of the other person, and therefore will not have any room in their head for you. I have said this elsewhere, I know.

"I'm a crazy, kooky girl just looking for love, smiles and cuddles!!!!!!!! :-)"
"I am mentally deficient and like glitter."


Anonymous Johnnyboy said...

Hey, here's another:
" I enjoy long walks on the beach, a nice conversation over a fine dinner, and watching a good movie with a glass of wine"

"I am hopelessly insipid, devoid of any personality, self-knowledge, or the first clue as to how to say anything vaguely interesting about myself."

12:40 AM  
Blogger Scattergun said...

Ha, ha! Love it.

(But sadly, it's funny because it's true...)

3:38 PM  
Anonymous Gabrielle said...

LMAO! So true. So very true.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Mikey said...


"I don't suffer fools gladly"

I love fools me. I think they're fucking great. Fools leave me in a state of priapic delerium, that's how much I love those foolish bastards!

3:12 PM  
Anonymous Eiljert said...

Thank you, thank you for the phrase: "I am mentally deficient and like glitter".

11:04 AM  
Blogger Adam McLoughlin said...

I was looking on google for my own page and came across yours, looks like you beat me to it mate! check mine out. I thing there a bit darker but thats northerners for you


11:16 PM  

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