My New Internet Dating Profile
I've had a pop, and I'm liking it. If it gets your dogs barking and you fit the description, get in touch. Please supply photo. I look like my Blogger profile photograph (up on the far right: are you blind? And if so, how can you read this?), so if you like hairy hands in a lady, you're laughing.
"Unemployed, porky (but quite good-looking), bird seeks man who won't fall over if I run at him. I will cook, do some washing, pay for other people to do basic DIY that I have neither the time nor the inclination to do, speak French on French holidays (or in French-speaking countries), type fast and be in a good and reasonable mood 90% of the time. I am a clean homeowner with more than ten friends, a cat I despise who lives on a cardboard box, and a cheerful family. I enjoy watching home improvement television programmes during the day, going to the gymnasium, eating North Staffordshire Oatcakes, and reading books.
Things I like in a gentleman include kind eyes, large hands, thick jerseys in winter and the ability to grow a beard. Thick socks and hair preferable, but I have no objection to a baldy if he's got a way with words. Employment status and bank balance relatively unimportant, but should be able to pay for own bus fare. At least three out of four limbs and pulse preferred. Ability to use apostrophes correctly vital. Must not use any of the following expressions, ever:
- "take a pew"
- "me and my better half"
- "pardon me"
- "moist, thick slices"
- "shall I pop James Blunt on the soundsystem?"
- "Pappy wants a special cuddle"
- "I've always liked fat lasses. More to grab hold of"
- "If I'm honest, I've always wanted to live in the Surrey area. Better class of person"
- "I've made raita for dinner."
Must not be weird, but odd is acceptable. Proof of at least 2 years of Freudian psychotherapy preferred, or written statement confirming sanity from local Justice of the Peace. Must dislike but be able to tolerate mentally deficient, overweight cats that live on cardboard boxes, and be good at kissing. Must not take himself seriously. Should bear in mind that I am 37 in October, so more in the mood for visits to Homebase than smoking crack. I am fond of children, but do not press my face against the window of Mothercare keening into the empty evening.
London area preferable, although will relocate if it goes well for a year or so and we can't think of anything else to do."
"Unemployed, porky (but quite good-looking), bird seeks man who won't fall over if I run at him. I will cook, do some washing, pay for other people to do basic DIY that I have neither the time nor the inclination to do, speak French on French holidays (or in French-speaking countries), type fast and be in a good and reasonable mood 90% of the time. I am a clean homeowner with more than ten friends, a cat I despise who lives on a cardboard box, and a cheerful family. I enjoy watching home improvement television programmes during the day, going to the gymnasium, eating North Staffordshire Oatcakes, and reading books.
Things I like in a gentleman include kind eyes, large hands, thick jerseys in winter and the ability to grow a beard. Thick socks and hair preferable, but I have no objection to a baldy if he's got a way with words. Employment status and bank balance relatively unimportant, but should be able to pay for own bus fare. At least three out of four limbs and pulse preferred. Ability to use apostrophes correctly vital. Must not use any of the following expressions, ever:
- "take a pew"
- "me and my better half"
- "pardon me"
- "moist, thick slices"
- "shall I pop James Blunt on the soundsystem?"
- "Pappy wants a special cuddle"
- "I've always liked fat lasses. More to grab hold of"
- "If I'm honest, I've always wanted to live in the Surrey area. Better class of person"
- "I've made raita for dinner."
Must not be weird, but odd is acceptable. Proof of at least 2 years of Freudian psychotherapy preferred, or written statement confirming sanity from local Justice of the Peace. Must dislike but be able to tolerate mentally deficient, overweight cats that live on cardboard boxes, and be good at kissing. Must not take himself seriously. Should bear in mind that I am 37 in October, so more in the mood for visits to Homebase than smoking crack. I am fond of children, but do not press my face against the window of Mothercare keening into the empty evening.
London area preferable, although will relocate if it goes well for a year or so and we can't think of anything else to do."
posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 10:19 AM
6 Comments:
You sound divine to me. Shit. I said 'divine'. Are my wife and two children a complex beard that even I am not aware of?
Whatever. Glad you're back.
All approved, except for the psychotherapy part. Unless you enjoy hearing "my therapist says..." every 3 sentences.
Everyone knows that proper psychotherapists tell you, very clearly, NOT to discuss what you discuss in your sessions with anyone. Ever. So, if you come across someone who is always saying 'my therapist says...' every 3 sentences, they are probably seeing a shite therapist, and are therefore still, probably, mad.
I have only said 'my therapist said something interesting today' 6 times in the last 6 months. I know, because I was counting. And I continue to count. I never say anything particularly interesting. Because if I tried to explain to anyone what actually goes on, I would be sectioned.
Can't win, really.
Thanks for the approval. Are you single? I'm offering.
Very single. I'd take you up on that offer, but I like you too much to have you get involved with someone like me.
Are you awful? You don't sound it. As I am now Terminally Single Forever (or at least until I don't look like a pig anymore), we should develop a Romantic Friendship and go to the cinema together, but sit one seat apart.
No, not awful. Just no longer willing or capable of anything resembling a 'normal relationship'.
Your Romantic Friendship idea is certainly not normal, so it sounds like a good idea to me. Although there might be more than one seat between us - more like a very large body of water. I can also send you chaste poems about tulips, copied off the internet.
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