Sunday, April 23, 2006


What do you do if you meet someone off of the internet and realise within seconds that he's a pointless cockmonkey?

I have found that the usual methods (running away, shouting 'OH MY CHRIST YOU ARE NOT WHAT I WANTED' in his face, pretending best mate has phoned and is dead, etc) may be less effective than 'subtly' dropping any of the following into conversation:

- does he want kids?
- does he believe in marriage?
- does he believe in the one true Lord, Jesus Christ?
- is he an anal virgin?
- would he like to see a photograph of your cats?
- would he like to accompany you to Phantom of the Opera?
- would he mind if you licked his face?
- doesn't he agree that Jean-Marie Le Pen represents all that is true and right in the world?
- doesn't he agree that Julian Lloyd-Weber was the really talented one?
- tell him you can't see what all the fuss is about, and that of course Bush was right?
- tell him you don't believe in sex before marriage, but that God wouldn't want you to be unhappy, so you'll do 'anything but' as long as it's in the dark so God can't see.

Anyone else got any ideas?

LIVELY DEBATE CONTINUES AROUND ...(Well, it doesn't, but wishful thinking is the premise upon which internet dating is built, so it would be foolish not to indulge myself occasionally)

1. "Does doing internet dating make me a loser?" (Mike, Boston)

2. "Is internet dating simply another way of meeting great people, merely facilitated by the explosion in digital technology?" Kiki La Rue, Richmond)

3. "Does she mean it if she's 38 and says she 'maybe' wants kids?" (Paul, Newcastle)

4. "Does 'bubbly' mean 'fat and annoying'?" (LG, London)

5. "Does the Lord love women who use the internet to find men for casual sex?" (EB, Nebraska)

6. "No news from him for 3 weeks: he must have died, right?" (Kate, Melbourne)

7. "Today I cradled my cat in my arms and kissed him and called him "Bubba". Do you think my desperation will leak out of me when I meet men off the internet?" (CP, Ealing)

8. "Anyone got any ideas on how to screen out the desperate late-30s bitches with the biological clocks ticking? They lie about their ages and shit, and what's with using 10 year old pictures? They're always 40lbs fatter than they say they are, too, and kinda ugly." (Chas, NYC)

9. "Why is James Blunt?" (Everyone, The World)

10. "What does it mean if his profile picture shows him with a woman, but her face has been scrubbed out with a pin?" (Jackie, Barnsley)

11. "Can I trust a man who, in his profile photograph, leans on his red Ferrari, and wears a large moustache shaped like an upside down hirsute banana?" (Liz, Canary Wharf)

12. "She looks like my mother. Is it wrong to fancy her?" (Patrick, Sussex)


Blogger d34dpuppy said...

this blog is brilliant

9:31 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Thank you! Are you really 15? You shouldn't be reading about this. I don't want your lovely innocent mind poisoned.
Monkey kiss,

9:39 PM  
Blogger d34dpuppy said...

well in june i will b 16

7:08 PM  
Anonymous Jesus H. Christ said...

As for this question :

3. Does the Lord love women who use the internet to find men for casual sex?

Dad gets a little pissy about stuff like that, but I still love you. Whatever gets you what you need, babe.

Bless you. Thanks for stopping by my site.

10:40 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Cheeses, thanks. I feel better now, and can have the weekend I originally planned.
You rule.
Your disciple
DM x

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, this blog IS brilliant - do think you should have a catagory for ex squaddies who live in Kent and like amateur dramatics.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...

Impossible. No such person exists.
Yours ever
DM x

8:52 PM  

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