What Womens' Internet Dating Profile Photographs Actually Mean
One for the gentlemen. Save time and effort by using this beautiful cut-out-and-keep guide to understanding what those ladies' profile photographs really mean. If you're a lady, a simple but perky click here will take you to the mens' version. Don't say I didn't warn you.
With Cat
38. Wants kids. Now.
Hippy Chick
Very pretty. Lovely figure. Beautiful skin. Does yoga 5 times a week. Talks about Chakras a lot, doesn't drink or smoke, very 'spiritual', has windchimes and a spirit guide. Flat full of stuff from year out in India. Works for a charity. Has annoying lispy voice and bats eyelids a lot.
With Friend At Glastonbury
Works in PR in London. Called Charlotte. Pretends she likes music. Thinks she is cool, but still has the pony Daddy gave her when she was 14.
Short Hair, Ruddy Complexion
Gay, but doesn't want to disappoint her mother. Or has ticked the wrong search box.
Self Portrait In Bedroom
Dangerous serial killer. Keeps past dates in the cellar. In a box.
Honest Self Portrait
Likes cake. Has strange things caught in folds.
Partially Clothed
May send you an invoice after date. Lives in council flat in Egham. Collects cuddly toys. Chainsmokes Superkings and drinks Malibu and Coke.
Engaged in Outdoor Pursuits
Doesn't shave. An 'enthusiast'. Churchgoer. Very clean.
Engaged in Urban Outdoor Pursuits
Wiry, like a whippet. Dry skin. Sweaty crotch. Has a difficult relationship with food. Thinks kissing is unhygienic. Slaps men on the back. Never wears skirts.
With Friends
You always scan the picture and hope she's the pretty one. She never is.
Supermodel in Domestic Setting
"I the simple lonely girl. I search good for the man for creation of strong family. I have no harmful habits. I like to prepare. Like to knit and embroider. I also love animals, I love a nature. I love good weather and good people. I like to dream slightly."
Trans: I am Russian, looking for husband.
Makeover shot
Insecure. And scary. And delusional.
Describes self as "bubbly and curvaceous"
Porky, but cheerful.
Describes self as weighing "a few extra pounds"
Really quite fat.
Picture of self somewhere hot, backpacking
From posh suburb taking year out before going to University. Big teeth. Enthusiastic. Doesn't wash much. Dull.
Perky self-portrait taken in parents' house
19, very annoying, probably called Nikki. Training to be a hairdresser. Thinks all firemen are 'fit' and harbours dreams of being a 'glamour model'.
Picture of self looking whacky with gay best friend
Deeply insecure, actually quite pretty. Nervous around straight men. Talks in funny voices the whole time. Drinks too much.
"Late 30s"
Not a day younger than 45. Husband left her for secretary (called Nikki - see above). Has 'needs'. Drinks too much.
With horse
Enjoys 'outdoor pursuits' and has strong thighs.
With Cat
38. Wants kids. Now.
Hippy Chick
Very pretty. Lovely figure. Beautiful skin. Does yoga 5 times a week. Talks about Chakras a lot, doesn't drink or smoke, very 'spiritual', has windchimes and a spirit guide. Flat full of stuff from year out in India. Works for a charity. Has annoying lispy voice and bats eyelids a lot.With Friend At Glastonbury
Works in PR in London. Called Charlotte. Pretends she likes music. Thinks she is cool, but still has the pony Daddy gave her when she was 14.
Short Hair, Ruddy Complexion
Gay, but doesn't want to disappoint her mother. Or has ticked the wrong search box.
Self Portrait In Bedroom
Dangerous serial killer. Keeps past dates in the cellar. In a box.
Honest Self Portrait
Likes cake. Has strange things caught in folds.
Partially Clothed
May send you an invoice after date. Lives in council flat in Egham. Collects cuddly toys. Chainsmokes Superkings and drinks Malibu and Coke.
Engaged in Outdoor Pursuits
Doesn't shave. An 'enthusiast'. Churchgoer. Very clean.
Engaged in Urban Outdoor Pursuits
Wiry, like a whippet. Dry skin. Sweaty crotch. Has a difficult relationship with food. Thinks kissing is unhygienic. Slaps men on the back. Never wears skirts.
With Friends
You always scan the picture and hope she's the pretty one. She never is.
Supermodel in Domestic Setting
"I the simple lonely girl. I search good for the man for creation of strong family. I have no harmful habits. I like to prepare. Like to knit and embroider. I also love animals, I love a nature. I love good weather and good people. I like to dream slightly."
Trans: I am Russian, looking for husband.
Makeover shot
Insecure. And scary. And delusional.
Describes self as "bubbly and curvaceous"
Porky, but cheerful.
Describes self as weighing "a few extra pounds"
Really quite fat.
Picture of self somewhere hot, backpacking
From posh suburb taking year out before going to University. Big teeth. Enthusiastic. Doesn't wash much. Dull.
Perky self-portrait taken in parents' house
19, very annoying, probably called Nikki. Training to be a hairdresser. Thinks all firemen are 'fit' and harbours dreams of being a 'glamour model'.
Picture of self looking whacky with gay best friend
Deeply insecure, actually quite pretty. Nervous around straight men. Talks in funny voices the whole time. Drinks too much.
"Late 30s"
Not a day younger than 45. Husband left her for secretary (called Nikki - see above). Has 'needs'. Drinks too much.With horse
Enjoys 'outdoor pursuits' and has strong thighs.
posted by NON-WORKINGMONKEY at 1:39 PM
13 Comments:
omg tha last 1 will kill tha horse , ya wb mz dm
r u sure tha 1st inst a tranny?
That is eerie, disturbingly accurate.
Men only look at the pictures anyway.
"I like Asian girls because they make a good maid."
:)
You should add it. I'm Asian myself :)
It's a source of some disappointment to me that I have been quite happily married since before internet dating really started: It looks like a barrel of laughs. If only my wife would turn out to be a delusional one-legged gold-digger I could get out there and find some freaks. As it is, she remains irritatingly perfect. The bitch.
God, WOMEN.
Hilariously insightful. Laughed my ass off.
OMG You made my night! This is waaay too close to reality.
Very funny, Ms Monkey. Only one error that I can see.
Supermodel in Domestic Setting
translates as:
I am a Russian computer. Send large check.
http://drrobertepstein.com/downloads/FROM_RUSSIA_WITH_LOVE-Epstein-Sci_Am_Mind-Oct-Nov2007.pdf
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Fuck - that poor horse! Look in his eyes - that's FEAR!
Ali x
Partner and I actually did meet via an internet dating site, and the photos he said worried him the most were the ones obviously taken at (someone else's) weddings. He felt that putting yourself forward in wedding finery sent dubious signals. Blokes do this too, but in my experience, the blokes at weddings look mostly just red and drunk so sending completely different, equally dubious signals.
Seriously funny and the descriptions are spot-on.
Thank you, this made my night.
(Yes, I actually do lead a rather dull life right now...)
Kind regards, Kitty :)
Post a Comment
<< Home