Thursday, August 24, 2006

What Womens' Internet Dating Profile Photographs Actually Mean

One for the gentlemen. Save time and effort by using this beautiful cut-out-and-keep guide to understanding what those ladies' profile photographs really mean. If you're a lady, a simple but perky click here will take you to the mens' version. Don't say I didn't warn you.

With Cat

38. Wants kids. Now.

Hippy Chick

Very pretty. Lovely figure. Beautiful skin. Does yoga 5 times a week. Talks about Chakras a lot, doesn't drink or smoke, very 'spiritual', has windchimes and a spirit guide. Flat full of stuff from year out in India. Works for a charity. Has annoying lispy voice and bats eyelids a lot.

With Friend At Glastonbury

Works in PR in London. Called Charlotte. Pretends she likes music. Thinks she is cool, but still has the pony Daddy gave her when she was 14.

Short Hair, Ruddy Complexion

Gay, but doesn't want to disappoint her mother. Or has ticked the wrong search box.

Self Portrait In Bedroom

Dangerous serial killer. Keeps past dates in the cellar. In a box.

Honest Self Portrait

Likes cake. Has strange things caught in folds.

Partially Clothed

May send you an invoice after date. Lives in council flat in Egham. Collects cuddly toys. Chainsmokes Superkings and drinks Malibu and Coke.

Engaged in Outdoor Pursuits

Doesn't shave. An 'enthusiast'. Churchgoer. Very clean.

Engaged in Urban Outdoor Pursuits

Wiry, like a whippet. Dry skin. Sweaty crotch. Has a difficult relationship with food. Thinks kissing is unhygienic. Slaps men on the back. Never wears skirts.

With Friends

You always scan the picture and hope she's the pretty one. She never is.

Supermodel in Domestic Setting

"I the simple lonely girl. I search good for the man for creation of strong family. I have no harmful habits. I like to prepare. Like to knit and embroider. I also love animals, I love a nature. I love good weather and good people. I like to dream slightly."

Trans: I am Russian, looking for husband.

Makeover shot

Insecure. And scary. And delusional.

Describes self as "bubbly and curvaceous"

Porky, but cheerful.

Describes self as weighing "a few extra pounds"

Really quite fat.

Picture of self somewhere hot, backpacking

From posh suburb taking year out before going to University. Big teeth. Enthusiastic. Doesn't wash much. Dull.

Perky self-portrait taken in parents' house

19, very annoying, probably called Nikki. Training to be a hairdresser. Thinks all firemen are 'fit' and harbours dreams of being a 'glamour model'.

Picture of self looking whacky with gay best friend

Deeply insecure, actually quite pretty. Nervous around straight men. Talks in funny voices the whole time. Drinks too much.

"Late 30s"

Not a day younger than 45. Husband left her for secretary (called Nikki - see above). Has 'needs'. Drinks too much.

With horse

Enjoys 'outdoor pursuits' and has strong thighs.


Blogger Tired Dad said...

Welcome back.

12:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg tha last 1 will kill tha horse , ya wb mz dm

8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

r u sure tha 1st inst a tranny?

9:47 PM  
Blogger fwengebola said...

That is eerie, disturbingly accurate.

Men only look at the pictures anyway.

7:03 PM  
Anonymous Gabrielle said...

"I like Asian girls because they make a good maid."


You should add it. I'm Asian myself :)

9:23 AM  
Blogger Mikey said...

It's a source of some disappointment to me that I have been quite happily married since before internet dating really started: It looks like a barrel of laughs. If only my wife would turn out to be a delusional one-legged gold-digger I could get out there and find some freaks. As it is, she remains irritatingly perfect. The bitch.

3:17 PM  
Blogger Datingmonkey said...


4:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilariously insightful. Laughed my ass off.

12:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG You made my night! This is waaay too close to reality.

12:51 PM  
Anonymous British Gal Does Tokyo said...

Very funny, Ms Monkey. Only one error that I can see.
Supermodel in Domestic Setting
translates as:
I am a Russian computer. Send large check.

4:33 AM  
Blogger Aleina said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:08 AM  
Blogger Alison Cross said...

Fuck - that poor horse! Look in his eyes - that's FEAR!

Ali x

11:01 PM  
Blogger puncturedbicycle said...

Partner and I actually did meet via an internet dating site, and the photos he said worried him the most were the ones obviously taken at (someone else's) weddings. He felt that putting yourself forward in wedding finery sent dubious signals. Blokes do this too, but in my experience, the blokes at weddings look mostly just red and drunk so sending completely different, equally dubious signals.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Kitty said...

Seriously funny and the descriptions are spot-on.
Thank you, this made my night.
(Yes, I actually do lead a rather dull life right now...)

Kind regards, Kitty :)

5:44 AM  

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