Hello

If it's love you're after, you' ve come to the right place. This superb blog will tell you everything you need to know about internet dating, and may well help you find the lady or gentleman of your dreams. Scroll down the page to get started; if you want more, click on the "Archive of Excellence" down there on the right where you'll find even more spankingly useful information, including Cat And Dog Logic Applied To Internet Dating, Understanding Mens' Dating Profiles, and How To Write An Internet Dating Profile.

Do have fun. And if you've got any questions about superweb love, send 'em in.

Internet Dating Does Work

It wasn't internet dating that led me to move from London (England) to Montreal (Canada) in order to be in the loving arms of a self-haircutting French-Canadian veterinary research pathologist; it was my other blog.

But that's another story, and for another day, perhaps when hell freezes over. The point here (if there is one), is that I realised today that eight good friends of mine are in really good 'relationships' (including happily married and/or with children!!!) with someone they met off of the internet (or who I met off of the internet and introduced them to).

In 1905, when I started internet dating, it was still horrifically embarassing, like admitting your ladyparts were malodourous however many fragranced washes you applied, or admitting that you wanted to make sweet love with Jim Davidson or lick raw pork.

Now, however, 87% of Canadian students have had sex online, and people are beginning to realise that it makes more sense to meet someone through internet dating than it does through the traditional means, e.g. in a bar, at the party of someone you think is a cock, or in the office (where, frankly, you would do anything to alleviate the ghastly tedium).

So, do I think internet works? Not that you asked, but I'll give you my opinion anyway: Fuck yeah. And if it doesn't work immediately, just keep going; as my friend Louis says (met through an internet date 6 years ago; now living with another good friend of mine), "you only have to get it right once".

Pip pip!

What Womens' Internet Dating Profile Photographs Actually Mean

One for the gentlemen. Save time and effort by using this beautiful cut-out-and-keep guide to understanding what those ladies' profile photographs really mean. If you're a lady, a simple but perky click here will take you to the mens' version. Don't say I didn't warn you.


With Cat


38. Wants kids. Now.








Hippy Chick

Very pretty. Lovely figure. Beautiful skin. Does yoga 5 times a week. Talks about Chakras a lot, doesn't drink or smoke, very 'spiritual', has windchimes and a spirit guide. Flat full of stuff from year out in India. Works for a charity. Has annoying lispy voice and bats eyelids a lot.






With Friend At Glastonbury


Works in PR in London. Called Charlotte. Pretends she likes music. Thinks she is cool, but still has the pony Daddy gave her when she was 14.










Short Hair, Ruddy Complexion


Gay, but doesn't want to disappoint her mother. Or has ticked the wrong search box.








Self Portrait In Bedroom



Dangerous serial killer. Keeps past dates in the cellar. In a box.






Honest Self Portrait


Likes cake. Has strange things caught in folds.





Partially Clothed


May send you an invoice after date. Lives in council flat in Egham. Collects cuddly toys. Chainsmokes Superkings and drinks Malibu and Coke.





Engaged in Outdoor Pursuits


Doesn't shave. An 'enthusiast'. Churchgoer. Very clean.






Engaged in Urban Outdoor Pursuits


Wiry, like a whippet. Dry skin. Sweaty crotch. Has a difficult relationship with food. Thinks kissing is unhygienic. Slaps men on the back. Never wears skirts.








With Friends


You always scan the picture and hope she's the pretty one. She never is.










Supermodel in Domestic Setting


"I the simple lonely girl. I search good for the man for creation of strong family. I have no harmful habits. I like to prepare. Like to knit and embroider. I also love animals, I love a nature. I love good weather and good people. I like to dream slightly."

Trans: I am Russian, looking for husband.










Makeover shot


Insecure. And scary. And delusional.












Describes self as "bubbly and curvaceous"


Porky, but cheerful.














Describes self as weighing "a few extra pounds"


Really quite fat.






Picture of self somewhere hot, backpacking


From posh suburb taking year out before going to University. Big teeth. Enthusiastic. Doesn't wash much. Dull.












Perky self-portrait taken in parents' house


19, very annoying, probably called Nikki. Training to be a hairdresser. Thinks all firemen are 'fit' and harbours dreams of being a 'glamour model'.








Picture of self looking whacky with gay best friend


Deeply insecure, actually quite pretty. Nervous around straight men. Talks in funny voices the whole time. Drinks too much.






"Late 30s"

Not a day younger than 45. Husband left her for secretary (called Nikki - see above). Has 'needs'. Drinks too much.






With horse


Enjoys 'outdoor pursuits' and has strong thighs.

Internet Dating Translation Tool

I know. Millions of profiles to plough through, and so little time to find the lady or gentleman of your dreams. But what does it all mean? When he says he likes dogs, does he mean he is blind? When she says weighs 'a few extra pounds', does she mean she weighs twenty stone and doesn't get out much?

Help is at hand. This handy guide will help you negotiate the hundreds of profiles that turn up when you press 'search'. First tip: when's the last time you believed someone who kept telling you they were honest? Exactly. With the online, you can't see the whites of their eyes. Still. Chin up!

"I love snowboarding, skydiving, scuba diving, bungee jumping and jumping off high things"
"I am an accountant. My name is Trevor. I live in Milton Keynes."

"I am looking for a woman who is as happy in a little black dress as she is in a pair of Wellington boots."
"My name is Henry, and I live in Gloucestershire. You will have to make room for Labby the Labrador in our marital bed. I love Nanny best."

"I enjoy going out and staying in."
"I will never have anything of any import to say about anything, ever."

"I am looking for a committed relationship."
"I am a commitmentphobe looking for a series of one-night stands with emotionally unstable women"

"I am just a normal guy looking for a normal woman. Looks not important."
"I am clinically insane, and rarely wash."

"Hi i am New to London, looking friends and Good Times!!!"
"I am from Russia, and looking for residency."

"My weight could be most accurately described as: a few extra pounds"
"I weigh at least 250lbs and have to do internet dating because I can't walk anymore. I have strange things caught in folds."

"Blonde"
Really?

"I am a 42 year old woman"
"I am 50, and my husband has just left me for his 37 year old secretary, Patricia. I think they've been at it for years but I can't be sure. But I've pulled myself together, and I'm up and at 'em: no-one's going to stop me being happy."

"I am average looking."
"I fell hard from the ugly tree, hitting every branch on the way down."

"I am attractive"
"I am plain. You wouldn't remember my face if you were introduced to me twice, but I'm not actually ugly."

"I am very attractive"
"I look after myself and in a certain light, am not unattractive."

"I am very good looking."
"'I am a delusional, narcissistic fool."

"I like independent women."
"I refuse to commit, and I will be particularly reluctant to commit if you earn more than me and are funnier/more intelligent than me."

"I live life to the full."
"I do not know what I am saying."

"I am looking for someone to make me better."
"I am me, and I will not change, so don't even try it; just accept me for who I am."

"I often enjoy a round of golf"
"I am a twat."

"I've been concentrating on my career and have just noticed that all my friends are married with kids."
Two options here:
1. "Fuck me, better pay attention and get on with it"; or
2. "I have had to fill my life with work because no-one wants to go out with me."

"I like cuddling up on the sofa with a DVD and a bottle of red wine."
"I am so dull I can't think of anything else to do with the time I have left over from tending my terrapins."

As it goes everyone really likes doing this, but you shouldn't say it out loud. And for the record, you need at least 2 bottles.

"I can't believe I'm doing this!"
"I am a bit embarrassed that I am this desperate." Come on, love, we all are: it's fine.

"I can't believe I've had to resort to this."
"I am angry that someone has gorgeous as I am is like everyone else, really."

"Looks aren't that important to me."
"I care very much how someone looks, but don't think I'm good looking enough to be able to say that."

"I asked my friends how they'd describe me, and they said kind, funny, and generous to a fault."
"I have 3 friends: 2 men called Andy, and a woman called Helen I went out with once. We were all at university together."

Like people who are murdered (who are always described in the most glowing terms - do only the good die young, or was Joel pulling our legs?), friends ONLY ever say 'kind, generous, loving, funny'. And perhaps 'crazy'. Or 'kooky' if they're a girl. If I asked my friends what they thought of me they'd laugh until they couldn't speak.

"My friends can't believe I'm single."
"My friends ply me with consolatory words when I am being drunkenly maudlin."

More like they wish you weren't single, then they wouldn't have to hear you going ON AND ON about it the whole time and looking at them resentfully at couples-only dinner parties.

As it happens my friends can believe I'm single, but not in a bad way.

"I have just come out of a relationship."
"I need someone to make me feel better, for I am very, very lonely and confused."

Avoid. At all costs. Whatever you do. Really. They are not over it, whatever they say. If someone mentions an ex, or the fact that they've just come out of a relationship, it means they are still thinking of the other person, and therefore will not have any room in their head for you. I have said this elsewhere, I know.

"I'm a crazy, kooky girl just looking for love, smiles and cuddles!!!!!!!! :-)"
"I am mentally deficient and like glitter."

Does Internet Dating Work?

It depends on what you want, of course. From a new hobby, to selecting from a range of foreign ladies in search of a Green Card, internet dating will provide all you require. The only conditions? Patience. Oh, and honesty. It generally gets you what's good for you, rather than what you think you want.

I would like to be entertained.

Absolutely guaranteed, my cheeky friends. End of story. Reading profiles, sending emails, meeting strangers for dates; telling all your mates about the bloke with the spit: all immensely entertaining. Particularly now that internet dating is so mainstream that only people who live in boxes and eat insects think it's weird.

I would like to enter into a long distance relationship with someone in Alaska, converse via webcam every night for 8 months, then get married. Then I would like to instal them in my house in a suburb of Glasgow and feed them packet noodles. And we will be happy.

Easier than meeting a single man in London who is over the age of 37 and isn't a cock, to be frank - so yes, the superweb will you this thing if that's what you want.

I would like to find someone with whom to conduct an extra-marital affair.

I think there are sites dedicated to this very thing. However, you should be ashamed of yourself, you bad dog. And when your spouse finds out, may they burn the hair from your head with a cheap lighter.

Has it worked for you?

Yes. And no. I'll do it again when I'm not such a porker though, THAT'S for sure.

Could you give me at least 10 other examples of other people who have met online and are now happily shacked up?

Yes, now piss off. This isn't a competition.

I want casual sex with strangers

Do you? Why's that then? Luckily for you, internet dating is jolly good for this. It is remarkably easy to find a number of people willing to sleep with you with virtually no introduction. And these people can be found on all types of sites: the 'normal' ones and 'specialist' ones.

People on 'specialist' sites tend to be honest about it, whereas 'normal' sites conceal people up for a bit of opportunistic relationship-free shagging. Some people are honest about it in their profile; some aren't.

I want to meet new people and make friends

Again, no problem here. Easy peasy. Just be honest about what you're after (i.e., don't lead people into thinking you're up for a relationship when you're not) and go and meet people. You may like some of them. You may not like others. Either way, there's lots of people out there, most of them probably perfectly nice. And a lot of them are probably like you, even if you only like weasels and cake.

I want to get married

Calm down, for God's sake. You have to go through the 'meeting someone and starting a relationship and sustaining it over a long period of time' bit first. Call me old fashioned. However, if you really just want to get married to any old person, you can probably buy a Thai bride or a Russian husband, both keen to get passports. Your life will be a cavalcade of horror, but that's up to you.

I would like a relationship. Any old one will do. Don't really want commitment.

If you don't want commitment at some point, why do you want a 'relationship'? Sounds like you want someone to sleep with regularly and go to the cinema with when you haven't got anything else to do.

Not particularly fair on the other person, but if you are absolutely honest in your profile, you may find someone else who'll put up with it. But you + the person who'll put up with that = probably both a bit unhappy, so I'd try and see if you can understand that most people want a good relationship because, on the whole, a good relationship makes life a bit more enjoyable. (And there's a reason why people have been getting shacked up and trying to be monogamous since the dawn of humanity, but that's another story.)

I would really like to meet someone and have a relationship that both of us enjoy, see what happens, but approach it with a desire for it to succeed.

Oh, why is it that the 'nicest' things sound vomit-inducingly cheesy? Shame really. Anyway, well, yes, internet dating does work for this. But (oh, but, but, but): as Feargal Sharkey once said, "A good love these days is hard to find."

You probably will find it, but it will take time, a lot of dates, a lot of honesty, a lot of patience and a bit of resilience. And that's without taking into account your own habitual approach to relationships. You may find someone you want to have a relationship with through the internet, but the internet won't guarantee its success. Obviously.

I want a new job.

Um, no, probably not good for that.

I really need a recipe for cake.

No, not good for that either.

I am looking for a timeshare apartment in Malaga

No.

Monkey?

Very possibly.

Your Internet Dating Questions Answered with Datingmonkey

Lawks. There's something in the air. I could barely open the heavily-leaded front door of Datingmonkey Towers this morning because of the enormous amount of correspondence I've received in the last two days from enthusiastic readers. Here's a sample.


Should I take my mother on a date?







Hola Datingmonkey!

How you hangin'? Listen. Here's me and my Mom on holiday in Mexico City. She's my best friend. I love her more than anyone in the world. But a guy's gotta move on, and it's time for me to meet a wife. But how can any woman live up to my beautiful Mommy? Should I take her on my dates and get her to choose? (I'm already making a lot of progress by searching for women who meet pretty much all my Mom's physical attributes, although no WAY could they ever be more beautiful.)

What do you think?

Stan, Ohio

P.S. Dad died when I was five and a half. Mom hasn't got a boyfriend because I said she couldn't.


Dear Stan

2 questions: are your feet swollen? And is your mother's name Jocasta? Yes? You're asking me why? No matter.

Now, before going any further, please read this. If you haven't got the hint, go to the obviously splendid Ohio Psychotherapy Directory, phone up the person with the name that you like the best, and say the following (no moving away from the script, if you please): "Hello my name is Stan. I have an unconscious desire for the exclusive love of my mother, and have murderous thoughts about any man that tries to assume the role of father-figure. Help me."

These simple steps should help. In the meantime, please remove your profile from all internet dating sites immediately.

All the best

DM


There's something wrong with my internet girl

Dear Datingmonkey

I have met a super girl and we've been on about 10 dates. I really feel there's something developing between us that could have long lasting potential. But there's something about her that I can't put my finger on. I'm not sure if it's something about the way she looks, or if it's something else - but it's really standing in the way of me entering into a longer-term commitment. Could you have a quick look at this picture? Can YOU see anything untoward? It's really annoying me now.

Thanks so much.

Reg, Lyme Regis





Dear Reg

Not sure about the earrings, and the hair's a little harsh. Otherwise, fine.

All the best

DM


Cliff Richard's Getting In The Way Of Love

Dear DM

Thanks for all your hard work on behalf of the internet dating community. We all appreciate you more every day.

Here's my problem. I've been emailing a girl I met on Match.com. She seems great. Tomorrow night we're moving on to 'webcam action', but she's asked if I can wear a mask bearing the face of Cliff Richard when we talk. Do you think that's weird?

Thanks DM. And keep up the good work.

Ken, Melbourne


Dear Ken

Yes, if you don't like the work of Sir Cliff. If you do - get her to slip on a Lulu c. 1968. Could be fun.

Best

DM

How To Get A Date With Someone You Meet Online

Think it's going to be easy, do you? Think you just slip into your 'sweat pants'*, crack open a bottle of sweet white wine, flip open your 2001 Dell laptop and find a boyfriend?

If only things were that simple. Luckily, I am here to help.

General Pointers

Avoid annoying punctuation
Multiple exclamation marks and smiley after smiley are really fucking annoying. Don't use them if you want to be asked out on a blind date, unless your correspondent is also a fan, in which case you deserve each other.

You can't hide desperation
The stink of desperation is hard to dispel. If you are desperate, stop online dating immediately and contact your local psychotherapist. No, finding a nice lady or man is not going to make you feel better in a profound or lasting way.

You can't fancy someone you haven't met
You can like the look of them and think they sound good, but you can't fancy someone you haven't met. Fact.

Don't go on holiday to Fantasy Island
You're only meeting someone for a date. Do NOT start idly flicking through Brides magazine before you've seen if they can use a knife and fork or not.

What do I do when I see someone I like the look of online?

Don't panic, don't get overexcited, and don't expect too much. Remember: you haven't met yet, and you are not at the 6th form disco, seeing people of the opposite sex for the first time. Read the object of interest's profile carefully. Write an email that is fairly lighthearted, but indicates that you have read their profile and are interested. (NB: writing an email indicates that you are interested. You don't have to say it too.)

What do I do if they don't reply?

Leave it. Don't write again. Options are:

a) they're not interested
b) their computer has broken
c) they are away
d) they are thinking about what to say if they reply.

If someone's interested, they'll reply. It's as simple as that.

What do I do if they write back and they sound like an idiot?

Give it a few goes. Exchange a few emails. If you still don't like the sound of them, write and say it's been lovely talking to them, but you're not sure you've got that much in common. Or something.

What do I do if they write back and they sound nice?

Durr. Write back. But don't get overexcited.

Should we talk on the phone first?

Er, yes. For all you know he may have a tongue that's too big for his mouth, or sound like George Osbourne (who was at school with my brother and was a twat even then, apparently). If they sound OK on email, and you have an OK conversation on the phone, chances are you'll have a good date (even if it doesn't lead anywhere). I once met someone without talking to him first and he sounded just like a stupid golden labrador would sound if it could talk. Awful.

Is there anything I shouldn't mention before we've met?

Don't whinge, bitch or talk about your ex. (In fact, don't do that generally. It's undignified, boring, and makes you sound like a twat.) Don't mention therapy, your terrible childhood, or your gimp mask (unless you're on certain types of site).

Is there anything I should mention before we meet?

Yes.

a) children
b) ex-wives/husbands
c) prison record
d) number of James Blunt albums owned
e) heroin addiction
f) alcoholism
g) sex addiction
h) bankruptcy.

What do I do if they ask to see pictures of me naked?

That, my friend, is your business, and will in some way be dictated by what kind of site you are on. (If you know what I mean. Hem hem.) Otherwise, I'd tell them to piss off out of it and get their adolescent pervo-kicks elsewhere. Or send you some money via PayPal first.

Should I ask him out?

Internet dating is one of the few places where everyone seems to forget that the ladies can't make the first move. The point of doing it is to meet and possibly have a relationship. Therefore, suggesting that you meet for a drink is fine, if that's what you want to do.

Should I ask her out?

Yeah.

How long should I wait until I suggest we meet?

Don't piss about. If you live within 50 miles of each other and are getting on on email, there's no reason not to do it within a couple of weeks. Remember: you haven't met yet, and it might not work out. And if it doesn't, there are more people to meet.

There's also a little thing about long, long email exchanges turning into a virtual relationship. It is all too easy to start having fanciful notions about someone you haven't met yet - notions that are rarely met when you meet. So don't do it.

Is it OK to meet more than one person in a week?

Fuck, yeah. You're talking online, not going out with each other. (Yet.)

Is it OK to meet more than one person in a day?

If you've got the time, why not?

Is it OK to meet more than two people in a day?

Are you unemployed and gagging for it?

Where should I suggest we meet?

Somewhere informal, where you're not stranded with each other if one of you wants to make a quick escape. Good idea: pub for a drink; gallery (cheesy but true, plus you get to check them out). Bad ideas: dinner; theatre; cinema; London Eye shut in a pod going round and round and round and round; a mountain; your mum's house.

Now what do I do?

Put on some clothes that suit you and that you feel comfortable in. Wash. (Do that bit before you put the clothes on.) If you wear makeup, don't slap it on. Don't get pissed before you meet. Tell one other person where you're going and with whom. Then just go and meet them, and be yourself.

And remember, Wise Datingmonkey Say: It's Only Real Once You've Met.

Bonne chance, my dating friends.

* what, exactly, are 'sweat pants'?

You Can't Do Internet Dating All The Time

The people who become 'addicted' to internet dating are the ones that don't realise you can just walk away from it for months at a time (or years, in my case). It's always there. You're not going to miss someone speshul because you decided you just can't be arsed with it for a bit. It's there for you to use when it suits you. Do it when you're in the mood. When you're feeling perky about yourself and nothing much is worrying you. Or you're very bored. Any of those. They're all good. It's just another way of meeting people.

Internet Dating Is A Seasonal Pursuit

Early Spring (rain), Autumn (wind, rain, leaves, etc) and Winter (rain, snow, hail, freezing Arctic winds, freak Mistrals due to global warming), are the times for internet dating. It's dark, everyone's pissed off, and everyone's wearing slightly too tight jerseys and thick socks. That's when to do it, when you can meet in dark pubs or in galleries on rainy afternoons. Not turn up sweating slightly because you're running late and have had to run from the bus stop.

Summer only lasts 3 weeks anyway, so it's no great loss. So, put down your laptops, put on your most flattering t-shirt and 'shades' (whatever they are), and get outside. Buy someone an ice cream. Offer that pretty girl on the train your spare bottle of water. No-one cares. They're all half-dead from heat exhaustion anyway.

My New Internet Dating Profile

I've had a pop, and I'm liking it. If it gets your dogs barking and you fit the description, get in touch. Please supply photo. I look like my Blogger profile photograph (up on the far right: are you blind? And if so, how can you read this?), so if you like hairy hands in a lady, you're laughing.

"Unemployed, porky (but quite good-looking), bird seeks man who won't fall over if I run at him. I will cook, do some washing, pay for other people to do basic DIY that I have neither the time nor the inclination to do, speak French on French holidays (or in French-speaking countries), type fast and be in a good and reasonable mood 90% of the time. I am a clean homeowner with more than ten friends, a cat I despise who lives on a cardboard box, and a cheerful family. I enjoy watching home improvement television programmes during the day, going to the gymnasium, eating North Staffordshire Oatcakes, and reading books.

Things I like in a gentleman include kind eyes, large hands, thick jerseys in winter and the ability to grow a beard. Thick socks and hair preferable, but I have no objection to a baldy if he's got a way with words. Employment status and bank balance relatively unimportant, but should be able to pay for own bus fare. At least three out of four limbs and pulse preferred. Ability to use apostrophes correctly vital. Must not use any of the following expressions, ever:

- "take a pew"
- "me and my better half"
- "pardon me"
- "moist, thick slices"
- "shall I pop James Blunt on the soundsystem?"
- "Pappy wants a special cuddle"
- "I've always liked fat lasses. More to grab hold of"
- "If I'm honest, I've always wanted to live in the Surrey area. Better class of person"
- "I've made raita for dinner."

Must not be weird, but odd is acceptable. Proof of at least 2 years of Freudian psychotherapy preferred, or written statement confirming sanity from local Justice of the Peace. Must dislike but be able to tolerate mentally deficient, overweight cats that live on cardboard boxes, and be good at kissing. Must not take himself seriously. Should bear in mind that I am 37 in October, so more in the mood for visits to Homebase than smoking crack. I am fond of children, but do not press my face against the window of Mothercare keening into the empty evening.

London area preferable, although will relocate if it goes well for a year or so and we can't think of anything else to do."

I Thought You Had To Be Clever To Read The Guardian

But no, for they feel it necessary to email their members (including past members, e.g. me) with some truly excellent advice, including:

Enhance your profile with a great photograph and we're sure you'll see your success rate increase. A few tips for looking good:

* Choose a clear well-focused photo that has you as the main subject.

Funny, that. I always thought you should post a picture of your cat wearing a fez and smoking a pipe. But thanks to The Guardian, I'll get it right next time.

How Long Should I Wait Before We Meet?

Dear Datingmonkey,

How long should you wait before you actually meet someone you meet online? I've just started and I've been emailing with someone for about a week and he seems like a very nice guy. But I'm afraid if we wait too long to meet and he or I are disappointed, it will be a lot more of a letdown. Plus, Ithink I've already told him too much and it will be awkward meeting him at all.

So what's a good amount of time to wait?

Sincerely,

Ellen


Dearest Ellen

Thank you for your excellent question.

Before you wonder about when you will meet, SPEAK TO HIM ON THE PHONE. Someone who sounds great on email may have a voice like Pee Wee, or a tongue that's too big for his mouth. Neither of these lead to good dates, in my experience. (If he doesn't want to speak on the phone he's either married or insane, so avoid him.)

Anyway, assuming you speak on the phone and you like the sound of him, arrange to meet. (The cunning thing about speaking on the phone is that it usually comes up in conversation, so you don't have to worry about it.)

When? Well, I've met people on the same day and after 3 months of emailing. I suggest within 2 weeks, if you can. That way, as you say, you avoid 'disappointment' (which is in fact just being pissed off that you've spent that amount of time emailing a total idiot with a tongue that's too big for his mouth), and you get it over and done with. Because the longer you leave it, the bigger a deal it becomes.

And finally: it's only a date. In the grand scheme of things, if it goes wrong it doesn't matter. And if it goes wrong? Just get online and find someone nicer to go on a date with. And if it goes right, it means you haven't wasted weeks emailing someone you'd rather be with in person. Result all round, I say.

Oh, and don't worry about having told him too much. What's said in email suddenly seems totally unimportant once you meet. I'm not sure why; it just does.


Good luck!

DM x

How To Make Money From Internet Dating

Genius. If you're strapped for cash and find yourself without true romance after a spell of high-intensity internet dating, just sue the internet dating site. How I wish I'd thought of this myself. I'd be fucking rolling in it.

The monkey hotline tells me of a woman who is suing a site for 'mis-matching' her after she had to 'endure' 8 terrible dates with men that she felt weren't suitable. Very clever. This way, not only does she make a complete arse of herself by bothering to make such a fuss, but she also - somehow - takes no responsibility for the fact that the dates didn't go well. Strange, really, as she's obviously a fuckwit (which would have had no bearing on how the date went, of course).

If that route doesn't suit you, you can follow the example of some people in the Americas who are suing Match.com and Yahoo! Personals for posting fake profiles (to suggest there are more foxes online than there actually are), and intercepting emails. A brief consideration of online dating sites' business models would suggest:

1. They have millions of members
2. Posting fake profiles takes time
3. They probably couldn't be arsed to post fake profiles, as it takes time, and they've got millions of members anyway.

Still, makes for a good reason why you're not shacked up, however unlikely it seems.

Then - and how I laughed - there's another. When you join a dating site, you fill in your search criteria. With the best will in the world, even I - with my limited ability to use a keyboard due to the monkey paws/12" Powerbook keyboard size ratio - can fill in an internet dating site 'search criteria' form without too many mishaps.

Anyroad up, some bird in America is apparently suing a site for not setting her up with a nice Jewish boy. Their argument is that she didn't accurately fill in her search criteria. For a month. Poor love. Still, she reckons they owe her $4,000.

And finally, the married man suing a site for not letting him join because - well, he's married, and theirs is a singles-only site. 'But how can I start my life again?', he bleats from across the ocean. By finishing the relationship you're in before you start another one, would be my tip.

I'm getting on the phone to my solicitor RIGHT NOW. Some 6ft 9 fat bloke I was on a date with once said 'bite my balls, and hard' over a drink of wine and a bowl of peanuts in a fashionable West End drinking venue, and I think I'm still from suffering post-traumatic stress syndrome. And that, obviously, is Match.com's fault.